Let Me Introduce You To The Wonderful Game of Bullshit, Otherwise Known As Life.

arrgghh.
likee
seriously.
i'm going insane
i should stop reading those stupid romance/relationship help articles
because it's only filling my head with negative thoughts.
Honestly, it feels like weeks since his last email... but it was actually only last saturday... i think?
i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
could be a good thing
like maybe
i miss him so much that time seems to last forever until i hear from him next?
idk
but
i sure as hell do know that i miss his hugs :(
like...
i miss being safe i guess.
i miss the feeling where i'm living in the moment and nothing can ever hurt me while he's there to hug me.
but....
last saturday...
he signed on msn to talk to me..
and like
i found that i didn't even want to talk to him.
well, not that i didn't want to talk to him, more like i didn't know what to say.
IS IT OKAY TO BE JEALOUS OF YOUR BF?
LOL
because
i think i'm jealous of him
i'm jealous that he gets to go travel every freaking summer while i'm stuck here in edmonton every single day of my fucking life.
but...
at the same time
i know he loves to travel. like, to me, i see him as a free spirit. You can't chain him down to a place because he'll hate you for it. I know he loves to see new things and stuff... but like...
i'm jealous.
and i'm also insecure because whenever he's away from me, i wonder what he's doing.
I think this problem stemmed from the fact that last year when he went to toronto, he openly flirted with several girls and then TOLD me about it. like really, wtf?
and honestly, he sounded PROUD of it.
Now that i think about it, i can see why he'd be proud of it.
Like when i think about it
2 reasons come to mind
a) he likes to see me jealous (he's actually told me before that a part of him likes me jealous because it reminds him that i love him)
b) it goes to show that he is in some way attractive and wants to tell me that he's mine only.
yea i know, part b) doesn't make sense. but that's because i haven't finished telling you everything.
apparently he openly flirted with the girls just to see their reaction when he told them that he was taken.
You know what? i think i'll just humor him. Make this a boost to his ego.
bleah. no use worrying about something that happened a year ago i guess.
but.......
i'm seeing him this saturday.
well, not just him. more like him and chris.
Chris i'm gonna be happy to see because like... besides kelvin and shevon, he's my best friend. and i know i'm one of his closest friends.
Kelvin? i dunno. Like... i'll be happy to see him and all... but a part of me is so scared about how things will be like. Like i remember when we entered grade 10, our relationship was shitty as hell. That's when i tried to break up with him. But apparently he wasn't ready to let go of our relationship yet. so i held on.
Then it got worse. and so i tried breaking up with him again. and once again he told me not to go. and so i held on again. yea, i know, call me an idiot. i AM one and i probably deserve whatever profanities that is going through your head right now.
Then at M.E open house... we got into a big argument that day... same argument as last time i nearly broke up with him... about him moving after high school and how he put an expiry date on our relationship and how i was wasting my time and effort trying to make a 'just for fun' relationship work.
argh.
i don't know how i'm gonna react when i see him.
that damn bastard better give me a hug.
Or else i'm not gonna hug him until he begs me to. >=/
...BAH who am i kidding, i love his hugs, i'll probably ask for a hug before he asks for one.
but...
i've noticed that a lot of the time now... i wonder if all this effort is worth it. Like...
does he even love me? i don't think so anymore...
i think i'm just an accessory to him.
Like, i'm there beside him so that he can say he has a gf.
why am i wasting my time going out with a guy who doesn't even treat me like his gf?
like honestly.
fuck this.
fuck all of this.
argh.
Like... i keep telling him that i'm not going to be here forever.
and he doesn't fucking get it.
or maybe he does get it and doesn't fucking care.
whatever the fuck it is, i don't like it.
today...
i was surfing the net...
and i came upon some quotes...
and there was this one quote that i thought stood out from all the rest.

The couple that fights the most is the one most in love...

it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it.

When you stop fighting,

It means you stopped caring.

Shawna Waltemyer

Single Divorced mother of 2

this quote stood out because it had some truth to it.

But then i read it over and i wondered: but if your significant other truly loves you, wouldn't they know that you're trying to help them and therefore you wouldn't fight?

Actually now that i've typed that out, i kinda get it... because we're all human right...? i guess no matter how humble you are, human beings in general don't like their faults being pointed out... especially not by someone whom you love and want to seem perfect to.

Looking back on the website i read the quote on, there are several other good quotes too...

Don't let someone become your everything,

because when they're gone, you have nothing.

Kenya Mitchell

True... but then if you don't let them become your everything, then having them means nothing and therefore you already have NOTHING. If you at least take the risk of loving someone, you risk losing everything, but you also have the chance of gaining everything.

To me, i'd rather gamble on that. I'd rather risk everything i have just to get that chance to gain even more. I'm human, i'm greedy. I want to be loved.

-sigh-...

sometimes...

he just confuses me.

You know...

sometimes now... when he says 'I love you' or adds a '<3'>

i can't help but think....

Bullshit.

I wonder...

if we'll even make it to the end of high school...

Maybe, when i'm older

and if i'm not dating him anymore,

i'll think back and remember all the times he told me 'I love you',

and I'll say...:

'Bullshit.'