Augh. It's driving me insane. I swear to God it is.
I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A FUCKING REPLY YET.
ARRRGGGGH.
Like, i KNOW i said in the email that i didn't 'need' a reply
BUT DAMMIT, HE KNOWS THAT WHEN I SAY ONE THING, I ACTUALLY MEAN THE OPPOSITE.
Like, because i haven't gotten a reply, i feel like he hasn't read it.
Or rather, he's read it but doesn't want to talk to me.
T_______________T
EMO TEARS!
-sob-
Like... all this anxiety is starting to mess with my head.
I'm not even joking. He's freaking invading my dreams now.
I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN I WAS DREAMING ABOUT MUSHROOM HOUSES AND FLYING CARPETS.
Because everytime i see him in my dreams now, i'm thinking 'SHIIIT how is he gonna react to my email?!?!'
then he doesn't do anything out of the ordinary and i'm like 'oh yeah, this is a dream.'
GAAHHH i'm going insane...
But...
i have to say, i'm scared about the answer.
For the past few days, i've been panicking. Because what if he doesn't love me anymore??
Like what if he thinks the email is the last push he needs to just end things??
...SCREW HIM, IF ANYONE IS DOING THE BREAKING UP, IT'S GONNA BE ME GODDAMIT.
but
i have a feeling that if he did break up with me
i'd laugh
because
i tried to break up with YOU 3 times and now you're breaking up with ME after telling me to stay all those times?
like wow.
but...
i just really want an answer.
Or rather, i just really want to hear the answer i want.
I'm scared.
But this time he's not here to hold me like he usually does.
Because he's the one making me scared.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Miss Me?
omg... i have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. Like
i read the last few lines of this fanfic and then i burst into tears.
I FINISHED PMS-ING LIKE A DAY AGO. WHY AM I SO EMOTIONAL?!?!
well... here's the fic anyways:
I don't own this fanfic, it belongs to Faelady.
XoXoXoXoXoXo
Title: Between the Lines
Theme: #2; news, letter
AN: This is all Kashu’s fault. She reviewed “Void” asking for Mizuki’s side of the story—how would she react to not getting much communication from Sano. So this can be officially considered a sorta kinda sequel to that story. Oh, and woohoo! Officially over a third of the way done with my 30 kisses.
Disclaimer: Not mine. All rights belong to Hisaya Nakajo and various and sundry other assorted corporations. No profit is being made, etc., etc.
----------------------------------
Mizuki got at least a postcard every week; usually, though, it was a letter, a lengthy one detailing all the goings on at Osaka. Who had gotten into what trouble, how the guys were doing in class, the latest sports results.
You wouldn’t think it, but Nakatsu was an excellent letter writer.
It was a good thing too, because she devoured every inch of those handwritten pages, reading and re-reading news of her friends’ lives. News of Sano.
After all, it wasn’t like Sano wrote her himself. Or called. Or emailed. She’d gotten four letters from him in the six months since she’d left Osaka. FOUR. Along with two phone calls.
It was other things that gave her valuable information about him; things that spoke louder than his almost absent words.
The way “I miss you,” in his last letter was smudged. As if he’d erased it and then re-wrote it again anyway. As if it had been a struggle to write even that, or to stop there. The grueling schedule Nakatsu all-unknowingly described to her.
It was also from Nakatsu that she learned that he didn’t talk as much any more. In fact, he had been in danger of slipping into his old habit of keeping a slight distance from everyone around him. Nakatsu assured her that he and Sekime and Noe had refused to let him do so. Apparently, they made sure that he got dragged into whatever new scheme or mishap they were cooking up; despite the fact that all of them were studying for entrance exams, they still seemed to find time here and there to relax.
Mizuki worried about his silence. How could she not? She wrote to him anyway; long newsy letters much like the ones she got from Nakatsu. She wanted him to feel like she was still there with him somehow.
She still worried.
She worried that he wasn’t doing well, that he was sad, that he wasn’t getting along with his family, that he was sick—any one of a million possible scenarios that prevented him from wanting to talk to her.
What she never worried about was him forgetting about her. She never worried about him loving someone else. Mizuki couldn’t quite even explain it to herself, other than she believed in Sano.
She supposed, in some sort of convolutedly logical way, that his silence meant he missed her too much--missed her beyond bearing. Missed her so much that sometimes it hurt to even think about it.
Missed her the way she missed him.
XoXoXoXoXoXo
i think, the situation my relationship is in right now is starting to get to me.
i read the last few lines of this fanfic and then i burst into tears.
I FINISHED PMS-ING LIKE A DAY AGO. WHY AM I SO EMOTIONAL?!?!
well... here's the fic anyways:
I don't own this fanfic, it belongs to Faelady.
XoXoXoXoXoXo
Title: Between the Lines
Theme: #2; news, letter
AN: This is all Kashu’s fault. She reviewed “Void” asking for Mizuki’s side of the story—how would she react to not getting much communication from Sano. So this can be officially considered a sorta kinda sequel to that story. Oh, and woohoo! Officially over a third of the way done with my 30 kisses.
Disclaimer: Not mine. All rights belong to Hisaya Nakajo and various and sundry other assorted corporations. No profit is being made, etc., etc.
----------------------------------
Mizuki got at least a postcard every week; usually, though, it was a letter, a lengthy one detailing all the goings on at Osaka. Who had gotten into what trouble, how the guys were doing in class, the latest sports results.
You wouldn’t think it, but Nakatsu was an excellent letter writer.
It was a good thing too, because she devoured every inch of those handwritten pages, reading and re-reading news of her friends’ lives. News of Sano.
After all, it wasn’t like Sano wrote her himself. Or called. Or emailed. She’d gotten four letters from him in the six months since she’d left Osaka. FOUR. Along with two phone calls.
It was other things that gave her valuable information about him; things that spoke louder than his almost absent words.
The way “I miss you,” in his last letter was smudged. As if he’d erased it and then re-wrote it again anyway. As if it had been a struggle to write even that, or to stop there. The grueling schedule Nakatsu all-unknowingly described to her.
It was also from Nakatsu that she learned that he didn’t talk as much any more. In fact, he had been in danger of slipping into his old habit of keeping a slight distance from everyone around him. Nakatsu assured her that he and Sekime and Noe had refused to let him do so. Apparently, they made sure that he got dragged into whatever new scheme or mishap they were cooking up; despite the fact that all of them were studying for entrance exams, they still seemed to find time here and there to relax.
Mizuki worried about his silence. How could she not? She wrote to him anyway; long newsy letters much like the ones she got from Nakatsu. She wanted him to feel like she was still there with him somehow.
She still worried.
She worried that he wasn’t doing well, that he was sad, that he wasn’t getting along with his family, that he was sick—any one of a million possible scenarios that prevented him from wanting to talk to her.
What she never worried about was him forgetting about her. She never worried about him loving someone else. Mizuki couldn’t quite even explain it to herself, other than she believed in Sano.
She supposed, in some sort of convolutedly logical way, that his silence meant he missed her too much--missed her beyond bearing. Missed her so much that sometimes it hurt to even think about it.
Missed her the way she missed him.
XoXoXoXoXoXo
i think, the situation my relationship is in right now is starting to get to me.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Ne ne Poi Poi?
Oh wow... hahaha...
i seriously did not realize what day it was today.
Like, i thought it was a normal thursday
nothing special..
but like haha...
it's our anniversary! hahaha... not our yearly one, i mean monthly one.
And... he didn't send email or sign on...
so that means he didn't notice.
HAHA...i feel... abandoned.
...i miss him.
Ne ne poi poi, do you miss your puppy-chan too?
i seriously did not realize what day it was today.
Like, i thought it was a normal thursday
nothing special..
but like haha...
it's our anniversary! hahaha... not our yearly one, i mean monthly one.
And... he didn't send email or sign on...
so that means he didn't notice.
HAHA...i feel... abandoned.
...i miss him.
Ne ne poi poi, do you miss your puppy-chan too?
I'm an Idiot.
so... yesterday i sent him and email... just... telling him everything. HAHA i forgot to send it to you on email shevon, so i'm gonna post it up here since you're the only one allowed to read my blog. LOL i sent it to logan to read before i sent it to kelvin... and i made logan cry LMAO. Yeah. that's how emotional it is. but... i mean every word of it.
Here it is:
NOTE BEFORE YOU READ ANYTHING: all the stuff in the '[]' brackets, are my after thoughts when i read over my email to proof read. YEA I PROOF READ. i make a lot of spelling errors HAHA. Btw, i re-read every paragraph or so... so yea, i could be adding things randomly in the middle of my email.
um...
hi.
i guess... [woow... i'm an ass for being so insensitive right there]
first of all,
this email is PROBABLY about what you think it is. But, at the same time, it's not a bad email. Relax, i'm not pointing a gun to your head okay? just... want to say a few things.
Btw, i suggest you read this to the end or else shevon will make you. (she knows where you live might i add.)
So...
i'm going to say this first:
what i'm going to say,
at best will piss you off. (at least that's what i think)
or it will irritate you incredibly.
But... at the same time, you don't know how i've felt these past two months.
you have no fucking clue at all. (i am so terribly sorry if i start swearing at you, but like i said, i just need to get some stuff off my chest.)
Like...
*sigh*...
Kelvin.
I don't hate you. Or at least i don't want to hate you. I don't want to hate someone that is probably my best friend (best MALE friend. Just so Shevon doesn't kill you) and quite possibly the only person in the world that i wish i could talk to for the rest of my life.
But...
at the same time...
it hurts, you know?
Like...
You probably don't know... but i've started a blog on blogger.com
You might have read it on my space, but i don't know. i don't think you read it anymore. i could be wrong though.
But... most of my blogs...
i'll admit are about you. Or rather, about my feelings towards you.
And i'll tell you now, not all of my blogs are pretty.
Like, there are some blogs... where i'm swearing my ass off and some blogs i'm crying like no tomorrow.
And...
sometimes...
it feels like the hurt will never stop.
It hurts... because we're so close... yet so far apart.
I... don't know how you feel about me anymore... haha.... but... I dunno... i know that i still love you...
It hurts to love you... but i do.
And like... i'd choose staying with you and bearing all that hurt rather than losing you and feeling empty.
Because... all through the summer...
haha... i feel like such an idiot for saying this...
but...
i honestly waited for your emails.
I really did.
i waited until midnight each day, somtimes even till 2am. I still do actually.
Because i wanted to hear from you. and see how you were doing...
Yes, call me a hypocrite.
i never once asked you how you were doing, or how things were.
But i wanted to know.
I know that when you signed on msn... i didn't talk to you much.
Or rather, i sounded like i didn't even want to talk to you. Honestly, i didn't think i did.
Like... it confuses me. When i'm not talking to you, i feel like i'm so lonely and i wished that you were here with me. But when you signed on and stuff... it just... it made me so angry.
Because the emails you sent me... pissed me off so much.
I know you didn't mean to piss me off. If anything, i knew you were sending me those emails because you made me a promise and didn't want to break it because you knew how much it meant to me.
But...sometimes the emails... were so... insensitive you know?
Like... it was dead. When i was reading them. it kinda felt like you thought it was a kind of chore.
Don't get me wrong. the first few emails, i loved, because when i read them, i could see you saying all those things and i could see you enjoying yourself. That made me happy. But... after a while, idunno... it just died.
I'm not accusing you. I'm not trying to make you angry.
But kelvin, just please. if anything, understand that i'm saying these things because i want you to know how i feel okay? Hell, i don't care if you understand or not, i just want you to know.
And...
after the first week or two...
it felt like you didn't even want to keep contact with me. And i think that's where i started to hurt so much.
haha... (i don't even know WHY i'm laughing... since i obviously don't feel happy... must be shevon rubbing off on me.)[i'm going insane. Call the asylum]
you don't know... how much it hurts...
hahahahaha... [i think i AM insane. oh man...]
but then again, you probably know... because i think that you are hurting as well.
I... don't know how you feel at all.
All i know is that my heart hurts every single minute from the moment i wake up, to the moment where i fall asleep. [i've officially dived off the deep end, that sounded so corny but i can't find any other way to say it.]
i want to know how you feel. But at the same time, i know guys don't do these type of things.
Because, 'feeling' talks are in the girl's area. That's our forte.
So... i'm not gonna ask anything of you. But... just keep in mind that i DO want to know more about how you feel and stuff. Hell, i want to know more about you in general.
haha...
Are you mad at me yet? when i was typing that last sentence, i could see you being pissed off. It's funny how scarily accurate i can remember how your face looks like when you're mad. [that sounded gramatically inaccurate]
I probably deserve whatever thoughts are going through your head right now. Because i'll admit, i'm no angel. If anything, i think i'm the one to blame LOL...
I'm selfish. (That was the first thing that went through my head when i thought about what you would think)
I take you for granted. and i think that's where my whole 'miss you when you're not here, but pissed when you sign on msn' thing came from.
I don't know much about you at all.
Lol... i'm ashamed to say that but it's true. i don't know much about you at all. Because all this time, it was about me, me, me. Never about you. I was always the one demanding things; I was always the one demanding that you change because i don't like the way you act or something.
But... no matter how hard i try, i know you can't change. Rather, you shouldn't change. Because i have no right to demand that of you. (haha... i can see you getting pissed at that too...)
I...
To be painfully honest...
i'm scared.
haha.
i'm terrified that at this point, you probably just want to tell me 'it's over'.
I don't know why i'm so scared to let you go.
Is it because i want someone there no matter what?
Is it because i really, REALLY, no-bullshit-involved-total-completely-true love you?
Is it because i don't want to be lonely?
I don't know...
but i do know... that i don't want you to go.
Hate me for that sentence, because i've already tried to break up with you 3 times.
I'll admit... that each time
when i asked you 'do you want me to stay?'
deep inside me, i prayed to god that you would say 'yes'
and i think, god answered my prayers, because you said 'yes' each time.
I really don't want to leave you. But i know that if i do, i could have that chance at being happy without constantly hurting.
Haha... i'm so confusing aren't i?
You know what? i was so pissed at you yesterday... at registration i mean. Because you saw me, yet you just kept walking. Or maybe you didn't see me, i dunno. But your mom definately saw me. You didn't even say hi. I was so mad so i didn't bother going after you. I think i kinda regret that now... i'm immature. But damn man, that pissed me off so fucking bad. Like... i won't even begin... HAHAHA.
i think i'm hysterical. I don't know whether i should continue crying or whether i should laugh at how stupidly insecure i am.
I know you feel like a jerk everytime you see/hear/know that i'm crying... but, just this once, i don't think you should feel guilty. Because, for once, you deserve to be selfish.
You told me before, that i can irritate you to no end, but you would always care about my well-being. (wow, bad grammer much? that sentence sounded so off. idk, maybe it's right. no clue LOL)
I kinda... i admire that quality you know?
because... you are still able to think clearly when you are irritated at me.
Unlike when i'm mad at you, i don't give a shit until after i calm down then i realize that if something had happened to you, then i wouldn't be able to live with myself.
Oh boy. i think i'm rambling. Are you tired of hearing me talk yet?
HAHA i scrolled up... that's one long ass email. i'm sorry. i know you don't like reading my insanely long and boring emails...
*sigh*
You know what Kelvin?
i guess... what i'm trying to say is...
When i see you again at school.
I want to be able to hug you and smile.
I don't want to lose what we have.
Because i'll tell you honestly right now:
if we ever broke up... i don't think i could continue being your friend. You know me, i tend to hold onto things... and i think it would hurt me too much to watch you move on. I'm a coward aren't i? I flee in the face of pain. How pathetic.
Maybe i'm desperate? idk. possibly. HAHA.
*sigh* (here is where i go horrible cheesy, but it's the damn truth. don't blame me, blame all the authors out there who write those mushy books that i just so happen to love oh-so-much)
I told this to shevon... and she understood what i meant... i'm hoping you do too.
But...
haha...
sorry, but like i know this will sound so VERY incredibly cheesy.
hahaha..
okay i'll just spit it out.
But like,
I love you, you know? :)
I love it when you hug me, because that's the only time that i've ever felt so... secure.
I felt loved you know? hahaha
When you hug me, it feels like everything will be okay. It feels like no matter how much downs we have, we'll pull through.
Do you feel the same way? i don't know. I hope you do.
Hoo boy... i feel like such an idiot right now, but the cornyness doesn't stop here [SPEAKING OF CORN, DID YOU KNOW WALMART IS SELLING 6 CORN COBS FOR A BUCK?!?! =P i want to buy some...]
(haha did the stuff in the brackets remind you of something i would normally say? i hope it did... because as of now, i think i feel so much better after getting all that stuff off my chest... BUT THERE'S MORE TO COME. DOOOOOOOOM~~ XD)[Actually... i think i almost feel HAPPY now .__.]
Hey Kelvin... :)
I'm an idiot for loving you. XD (As many ppl have oh-so-kindly pointed that out to me on several occasions)
but damn man,
i WANT to be an idiot HAHAHAHA.
You know what? i don't give a damn that you're moving away after we graduate. [if i ever give you shit about that again, just remind me about this email and i'll shut the hell up.]
because... i think by then, i will love you enough to accept that fact that this is what you want and i am in no position to stop you.
So... i'm gonna ask you this one thing.
You wanna be an idiot with me? :) because i don't think i'm very lovable either... considering i'm so high maintenence. (WOW HOW THE HELL DO YOU SPELL THAT WORD DX)
This email didn't turn out like anything i was planning.
I thought this email would be all DOOM AND GLOOM but like i guess in the end i kinda reverted back to the old me.
But on a more serious note...
I... fuck this, you know what? i'm not going to lie to you, because you don't deserve that.
I won't understand if you decide to dump me.
Or rather, i'll understand, but i won't be understanding. Did that even make any sense? LMAO.
Because, i don't think i'm ready to get over you yet.
Allow me this one moment of selfishness here. (sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry... i'm a hypocrite. sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry...)
I don't want you to leave. (That tiny bit of hope in my heart is wishing that right now you are thinking about what a complete and total idiot i am for even thinking that you were gonna dump me. but i think i have a strong enough grip on reality to know that this isn't some goddamn fairytale)
Do you hurt too? I want to know so i can make that hurt go away.
Do you know... that i have a picture of us on my computer desk?
Well... it's not only us... it's a picture of you, me, ashley, and logan. It was taken on the night where we were gonna go out to that restaraunt by the sea shore (vancouver trip remember?) We took it out in the hallway just outside our room.
I have another pic of just us two but the bottom of the frame says: 'Live Laugh Love' in bold letters on top of the word 'FRIENDS' and if my dad saw me put the pic of just you and me in there i think he'd take a shotgun and march to your house... (i probably don't need to tell you this, but if you see my dad marching to your house with a gun, please run away XD)
shit. i'm rambling again.
Sorry, i'll try and wrap this up.
ANYWAYS.
POINT IS:
I still love you,
so do you still love me? (i would ask the flower, but i don't want to kill the flower garden by plucking all the petals off)[besides, that stupid flower never tells the truth...damn flower... go burn in hell... on second thought, i think i WILL destroy the flower garden... MWAHAHAHA]
I don't know when you'll read this. But i hope you do read it before school starts. Don't worry, i'm not expecting you to reply to this LMAO. but... if you do read this before school starts...
When you see me... can you give me a hug? :) that is... if you're willing to stay with me that is...
i'd rather not have you hug me then say 'it's over'. Cuz that would be killer. Don't be a murderer. It's bad. EBILS.
So yeah... i guess that wraps up my SUPER-DUPER-LONG email. :)
Sorry for taking up about... 5 min of your time? i dunno how long it takes you to read this. Depends on whether you try to understand me along the way or if you just read it to the end without thinking.
Well...
Nighty night Kelvin... :)
i hope you know this but...
i miss you.
Love you lots,
Puppy-chan
So... i don't know how he will react. I think i cried my heart out yesterday rofl... right now i feel so empty... the only emotion i have right now is fear. fear that we have finally reached the end of our road... i'm terrified. but at the same time. i love him. i trust him to make the right decision...
i hope...
Here it is:
NOTE BEFORE YOU READ ANYTHING: all the stuff in the '[]' brackets, are my after thoughts when i read over my email to proof read. YEA I PROOF READ. i make a lot of spelling errors HAHA. Btw, i re-read every paragraph or so... so yea, i could be adding things randomly in the middle of my email.
um...
hi.
i guess... [woow... i'm an ass for being so insensitive right there]
first of all,
this email is PROBABLY about what you think it is. But, at the same time, it's not a bad email. Relax, i'm not pointing a gun to your head okay? just... want to say a few things.
Btw, i suggest you read this to the end or else shevon will make you. (she knows where you live might i add.)
So...
i'm going to say this first:
what i'm going to say,
at best will piss you off. (at least that's what i think)
or it will irritate you incredibly.
But... at the same time, you don't know how i've felt these past two months.
you have no fucking clue at all. (i am so terribly sorry if i start swearing at you, but like i said, i just need to get some stuff off my chest.)
Like...
*sigh*...
Kelvin.
I don't hate you. Or at least i don't want to hate you. I don't want to hate someone that is probably my best friend (best MALE friend. Just so Shevon doesn't kill you) and quite possibly the only person in the world that i wish i could talk to for the rest of my life.
But...
at the same time...
it hurts, you know?
Like...
You probably don't know... but i've started a blog on blogger.com
You might have read it on my space, but i don't know. i don't think you read it anymore. i could be wrong though.
But... most of my blogs...
i'll admit are about you. Or rather, about my feelings towards you.
And i'll tell you now, not all of my blogs are pretty.
Like, there are some blogs... where i'm swearing my ass off and some blogs i'm crying like no tomorrow.
And...
sometimes...
it feels like the hurt will never stop.
It hurts... because we're so close... yet so far apart.
I... don't know how you feel about me anymore... haha.... but... I dunno... i know that i still love you...
It hurts to love you... but i do.
And like... i'd choose staying with you and bearing all that hurt rather than losing you and feeling empty.
Because... all through the summer...
haha... i feel like such an idiot for saying this...
but...
i honestly waited for your emails.
I really did.
i waited until midnight each day, somtimes even till 2am. I still do actually.
Because i wanted to hear from you. and see how you were doing...
Yes, call me a hypocrite.
i never once asked you how you were doing, or how things were.
But i wanted to know.
I know that when you signed on msn... i didn't talk to you much.
Or rather, i sounded like i didn't even want to talk to you. Honestly, i didn't think i did.
Like... it confuses me. When i'm not talking to you, i feel like i'm so lonely and i wished that you were here with me. But when you signed on and stuff... it just... it made me so angry.
Because the emails you sent me... pissed me off so much.
I know you didn't mean to piss me off. If anything, i knew you were sending me those emails because you made me a promise and didn't want to break it because you knew how much it meant to me.
But...sometimes the emails... were so... insensitive you know?
Like... it was dead. When i was reading them. it kinda felt like you thought it was a kind of chore.
Don't get me wrong. the first few emails, i loved, because when i read them, i could see you saying all those things and i could see you enjoying yourself. That made me happy. But... after a while, idunno... it just died.
I'm not accusing you. I'm not trying to make you angry.
But kelvin, just please. if anything, understand that i'm saying these things because i want you to know how i feel okay? Hell, i don't care if you understand or not, i just want you to know.
And...
after the first week or two...
it felt like you didn't even want to keep contact with me. And i think that's where i started to hurt so much.
haha... (i don't even know WHY i'm laughing... since i obviously don't feel happy... must be shevon rubbing off on me.)[i'm going insane. Call the asylum]
you don't know... how much it hurts...
hahahahaha... [i think i AM insane. oh man...]
but then again, you probably know... because i think that you are hurting as well.
I... don't know how you feel at all.
All i know is that my heart hurts every single minute from the moment i wake up, to the moment where i fall asleep. [i've officially dived off the deep end, that sounded so corny but i can't find any other way to say it.]
i want to know how you feel. But at the same time, i know guys don't do these type of things.
Because, 'feeling' talks are in the girl's area. That's our forte.
So... i'm not gonna ask anything of you. But... just keep in mind that i DO want to know more about how you feel and stuff. Hell, i want to know more about you in general.
haha...
Are you mad at me yet? when i was typing that last sentence, i could see you being pissed off. It's funny how scarily accurate i can remember how your face looks like when you're mad. [that sounded gramatically inaccurate]
I probably deserve whatever thoughts are going through your head right now. Because i'll admit, i'm no angel. If anything, i think i'm the one to blame LOL...
I'm selfish. (That was the first thing that went through my head when i thought about what you would think)
I take you for granted. and i think that's where my whole 'miss you when you're not here, but pissed when you sign on msn' thing came from.
I don't know much about you at all.
Lol... i'm ashamed to say that but it's true. i don't know much about you at all. Because all this time, it was about me, me, me. Never about you. I was always the one demanding things; I was always the one demanding that you change because i don't like the way you act or something.
But... no matter how hard i try, i know you can't change. Rather, you shouldn't change. Because i have no right to demand that of you. (haha... i can see you getting pissed at that too...)
I...
To be painfully honest...
i'm scared.
haha.
i'm terrified that at this point, you probably just want to tell me 'it's over'.
I don't know why i'm so scared to let you go.
Is it because i want someone there no matter what?
Is it because i really, REALLY, no-bullshit-involved-total-completely-true love you?
Is it because i don't want to be lonely?
I don't know...
but i do know... that i don't want you to go.
Hate me for that sentence, because i've already tried to break up with you 3 times.
I'll admit... that each time
when i asked you 'do you want me to stay?'
deep inside me, i prayed to god that you would say 'yes'
and i think, god answered my prayers, because you said 'yes' each time.
I really don't want to leave you. But i know that if i do, i could have that chance at being happy without constantly hurting.
Haha... i'm so confusing aren't i?
You know what? i was so pissed at you yesterday... at registration i mean. Because you saw me, yet you just kept walking. Or maybe you didn't see me, i dunno. But your mom definately saw me. You didn't even say hi. I was so mad so i didn't bother going after you. I think i kinda regret that now... i'm immature. But damn man, that pissed me off so fucking bad. Like... i won't even begin... HAHAHA.
i think i'm hysterical. I don't know whether i should continue crying or whether i should laugh at how stupidly insecure i am.
I know you feel like a jerk everytime you see/hear/know that i'm crying... but, just this once, i don't think you should feel guilty. Because, for once, you deserve to be selfish.
You told me before, that i can irritate you to no end, but you would always care about my well-being. (wow, bad grammer much? that sentence sounded so off. idk, maybe it's right. no clue LOL)
I kinda... i admire that quality you know?
because... you are still able to think clearly when you are irritated at me.
Unlike when i'm mad at you, i don't give a shit until after i calm down then i realize that if something had happened to you, then i wouldn't be able to live with myself.
Oh boy. i think i'm rambling. Are you tired of hearing me talk yet?
HAHA i scrolled up... that's one long ass email. i'm sorry. i know you don't like reading my insanely long and boring emails...
*sigh*
You know what Kelvin?
i guess... what i'm trying to say is...
When i see you again at school.
I want to be able to hug you and smile.
I don't want to lose what we have.
Because i'll tell you honestly right now:
if we ever broke up... i don't think i could continue being your friend. You know me, i tend to hold onto things... and i think it would hurt me too much to watch you move on. I'm a coward aren't i? I flee in the face of pain. How pathetic.
Maybe i'm desperate? idk. possibly. HAHA.
*sigh* (here is where i go horrible cheesy, but it's the damn truth. don't blame me, blame all the authors out there who write those mushy books that i just so happen to love oh-so-much)
I told this to shevon... and she understood what i meant... i'm hoping you do too.
But...
haha...
sorry, but like i know this will sound so VERY incredibly cheesy.
hahaha..
okay i'll just spit it out.
But like,
I love you, you know? :)
I love it when you hug me, because that's the only time that i've ever felt so... secure.
I felt loved you know? hahaha
When you hug me, it feels like everything will be okay. It feels like no matter how much downs we have, we'll pull through.
Do you feel the same way? i don't know. I hope you do.
Hoo boy... i feel like such an idiot right now, but the cornyness doesn't stop here [SPEAKING OF CORN, DID YOU KNOW WALMART IS SELLING 6 CORN COBS FOR A BUCK?!?! =P i want to buy some...]
(haha did the stuff in the brackets remind you of something i would normally say? i hope it did... because as of now, i think i feel so much better after getting all that stuff off my chest... BUT THERE'S MORE TO COME. DOOOOOOOOM~~ XD)[Actually... i think i almost feel HAPPY now .__.]
Hey Kelvin... :)
I'm an idiot for loving you. XD (As many ppl have oh-so-kindly pointed that out to me on several occasions)
but damn man,
i WANT to be an idiot HAHAHAHA.
You know what? i don't give a damn that you're moving away after we graduate. [if i ever give you shit about that again, just remind me about this email and i'll shut the hell up.]
because... i think by then, i will love you enough to accept that fact that this is what you want and i am in no position to stop you.
So... i'm gonna ask you this one thing.
You wanna be an idiot with me? :) because i don't think i'm very lovable either... considering i'm so high maintenence. (WOW HOW THE HELL DO YOU SPELL THAT WORD DX)
This email didn't turn out like anything i was planning.
I thought this email would be all DOOM AND GLOOM but like i guess in the end i kinda reverted back to the old me.
But on a more serious note...
I... fuck this, you know what? i'm not going to lie to you, because you don't deserve that.
I won't understand if you decide to dump me.
Or rather, i'll understand, but i won't be understanding. Did that even make any sense? LMAO.
Because, i don't think i'm ready to get over you yet.
Allow me this one moment of selfishness here. (sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry... i'm a hypocrite. sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry...)
I don't want you to leave. (That tiny bit of hope in my heart is wishing that right now you are thinking about what a complete and total idiot i am for even thinking that you were gonna dump me. but i think i have a strong enough grip on reality to know that this isn't some goddamn fairytale)
Do you hurt too? I want to know so i can make that hurt go away.
Do you know... that i have a picture of us on my computer desk?
Well... it's not only us... it's a picture of you, me, ashley, and logan. It was taken on the night where we were gonna go out to that restaraunt by the sea shore (vancouver trip remember?) We took it out in the hallway just outside our room.
I have another pic of just us two but the bottom of the frame says: 'Live Laugh Love' in bold letters on top of the word 'FRIENDS' and if my dad saw me put the pic of just you and me in there i think he'd take a shotgun and march to your house... (i probably don't need to tell you this, but if you see my dad marching to your house with a gun, please run away XD)
shit. i'm rambling again.
Sorry, i'll try and wrap this up.
ANYWAYS.
POINT IS:
I still love you,
so do you still love me? (i would ask the flower, but i don't want to kill the flower garden by plucking all the petals off)[besides, that stupid flower never tells the truth...damn flower... go burn in hell... on second thought, i think i WILL destroy the flower garden... MWAHAHAHA]
I don't know when you'll read this. But i hope you do read it before school starts. Don't worry, i'm not expecting you to reply to this LMAO. but... if you do read this before school starts...
When you see me... can you give me a hug? :) that is... if you're willing to stay with me that is...
i'd rather not have you hug me then say 'it's over'. Cuz that would be killer. Don't be a murderer. It's bad. EBILS.
So yeah... i guess that wraps up my SUPER-DUPER-LONG email. :)
Sorry for taking up about... 5 min of your time? i dunno how long it takes you to read this. Depends on whether you try to understand me along the way or if you just read it to the end without thinking.
Well...
Nighty night Kelvin... :)
i hope you know this but...
i miss you.
Love you lots,
Puppy-chan
So... i don't know how he will react. I think i cried my heart out yesterday rofl... right now i feel so empty... the only emotion i have right now is fear. fear that we have finally reached the end of our road... i'm terrified. but at the same time. i love him. i trust him to make the right decision...
i hope...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Bah.
so.
the reunion thing was canceled.
and the only reason i happened to know that was because once i GOT there, i called alvina and she said it was canceled last minute.
so i'm thinking wtf.
she said that she told natalie to tell me but then natalie said she didn't have my number.
which was another wtf.
because natalie created something on fb
and it's like 'natalie needs numbers' and i gave her my cell.
so by now, i'm like 'w/e, i don't give a fuck.'
thank god my parents were there and they were planning to go out for dinner too.
the good news is that i didn't spend any money...
although my dad asked me to loan him $30.
ugh. so now i only have $15 on me and i'm planning to buy a SPC tmrw...
and i gotta buy a cake for wednesday's bbq at kacey's house.
OOHH
today
i went to T&T with parents after dinner
and i saw the awesomest thing ever
i saw....
A HAMBURGER CAKE
a cake made to look like a hamburger.
pretty awesome eh?
i was like
'COOL~~ I WANT IT!'
i think, that was their intention. To make a cake look so cool that you just have to buy it...
unfortunately for them, i had more self resrtaint than that lol.
i ended up gushing for like 15 seconds and then just walking away.
anyways...
i'm gonna go back to waiting to see if kelvin'll send me an email today. i highly doubt it. I hope he signs on though, because i'm gonna ask if he still cares. that way it'll save me lots of time and effort instead of having to wonder if he still loves me or not.
the reunion thing was canceled.
and the only reason i happened to know that was because once i GOT there, i called alvina and she said it was canceled last minute.
so i'm thinking wtf.
she said that she told natalie to tell me but then natalie said she didn't have my number.
which was another wtf.
because natalie created something on fb
and it's like 'natalie needs numbers' and i gave her my cell.
so by now, i'm like 'w/e, i don't give a fuck.'
thank god my parents were there and they were planning to go out for dinner too.
the good news is that i didn't spend any money...
although my dad asked me to loan him $30.
ugh. so now i only have $15 on me and i'm planning to buy a SPC tmrw...
and i gotta buy a cake for wednesday's bbq at kacey's house.
OOHH
today
i went to T&T with parents after dinner
and i saw the awesomest thing ever
i saw....
A HAMBURGER CAKE
a cake made to look like a hamburger.
pretty awesome eh?
i was like
'COOL~~ I WANT IT!'
i think, that was their intention. To make a cake look so cool that you just have to buy it...
unfortunately for them, i had more self resrtaint than that lol.
i ended up gushing for like 15 seconds and then just walking away.
anyways...
i'm gonna go back to waiting to see if kelvin'll send me an email today. i highly doubt it. I hope he signs on though, because i'm gonna ask if he still cares. that way it'll save me lots of time and effort instead of having to wonder if he still loves me or not.
Memories That I Hold Dear.
So...
apparently the reunion thing is today.
and quite honestly i'm kinda scared.
Like...
-sigh- this is gonna be really awkward to say...
but like
in elementary...
like a LONG (emphasis on that word) time ago...
me and raymond used to like each other.
YEAH YEAH i know
you're probably going 'WTFF'
but like
we did.
we honestly did.
and like
i think
he was the first person that i actually really really liked (sorry kelvin)
and i really mean that.
Because...
i remember that when i was still in grade 6
i had this one nightmare
that i can't even forget now.
and like, in that nightmare, he died.
and i remember waking up crying.
Even when i dreamt that kelvin died i didn't cry. (well, in my dream i did but i didn't wake up crying)
Well, i honestly don't like him now...
but, i've always kinda thought of his as like a little brother (HAHA yea, our birthdays are 2 days apart. mine on the 22, his on the 24)
and yea...
so he's going to the reunion too
because Alvina is making him XD rofl
hahaa
like, cindy and leanne are going too
and like i talk to them occasionally so it's gonna be fine with them and stuff. and like i talk to alvina more than the others so that's all good.
But damn
it's gonna be awkard talking to raymond you know?
we haven't talked since the 7th grade. and like...
i don't know how things ended up the way they did.
Like... in 7th grade, we all just stopped talking to each other.
Like, jimmy and i didn't talk that much but we still talked occasionally.
but me and raymond just... stopped talking.
and at first it was really weird.
because, i was so used to having him around and stuff.
And it didn't help that in grade 8 i started to date kelvin.
-sigh-
also
bobby and tyler are going too i think...
i'm kinda nervous meeting them again...
because...
well, first of all
i talked to bobby on msn last night and like...
he's changed. so much.
he's not the cute happy-go-lucky boy anymore. Like, he isn't as open as he was before.
Before he could and would laugh with anyone.
now... it's like he's a completely different person.
He's much more...reserved. Like, when i was talking to him, it was very formal. like, his words has pretty much no emotion. he got right down to business and didn't say anything more than was required to get his msg across.
To me, a reunion is something that i welcome. like, i WANT to see everyone again. and i would think that the others have the same feelings. but bobby said that he wasn't going to go if he was the only guy.
Like wtf? dammit, don't you remember all the times we've spent together??
like... even though we're not a part of your life anymore, don't you want to go back to the happy, carefree childhood life for just one more day?
well... i guess that's why i'm nervous to see bobby... because i don't know HOW he's gonna be like.
and tyler?
eeerrr...
very awkward.
very VERY awkward.
Like...
gaahh.
in grade 5... i think?
yea grade 5, or sometime around then...
-sigh- i had a 'phase' where i liked him... and i had a feeling the he liked me too.
bah. but, that phase quickly passed and shit.
like, i honestly liked raymond from grade 4-6.
and also
like, tyler has changed too.
Bobby and tyler are best friends.
they have been best friends since as long as i've known them (KINDERGARTEN)
and like... they're still best friends now.
so since Bobby has changed, who's to say that Tyler hasn't?
But... they are very precious people to me...
because, they helped create all the happy memories that i have cherished since my childhood.
But like...
yeah...
i'm so nervous.
But, i'm gonna be so happy to see natalie :)
she was my best friend in elementary.
Like, we were inseparateable.
good times honestly... even now, when i have bf troubles, she's the first one i go to talk to because she gives the best damn advice out of everyone i know.
but at the same time, the only reason she can do that is because she has been through a lot of heartache.
So yeah, i'm very excited to see Natalie. i want to talk to her a lot. Catch up and stuff. And get some advice on Kelvin because even though my last blog stated that i will stick with him no matter what, he is still being an ass.
Also...
i want to see the others too.
but...
there's one girl i DEFINATELY don't want to see...
Elizabeth.
ugh.
like. just ugh.
she's pissed at me.
and i can understand why she's pissed at me.
but like honestly? get over it.
jeezus christ, just because she's mad that i took her place in the spotlight.
Like... maybe if you had been a BETTER FRIEND than they wouldn't have ditched you.
becuase quite honestly.
like... in grade 6... *sigh*
k, we had the chinese speech contest thingy...
and like...
in the class, everyone does their thing, and then we vote on the best 3 people to compete.
and so...
when we were voting...
elizabeth went around the class telling everyone not to vote for me because i've already been chosen like 3 times before that.
and so, one of my other best friends told me what she was doing...
and like i was so upset.
because i worked hard on it. and like, let the people choose who they want because the whole point of the voting is for the best in the class to represent everyone. and like, they can choose whoever the hell they want. don't influence their voting.
and so
like i was so upset and i told the teacher.
and then the teacher phoned her parents...
and that is how she became pissed at me.
but seriously, she brought this upon herself.
and i think she still carries that grudge to today...
Honestly, it doesn't help that her family is close to William's family either.
Like...
grade 6 (I KNOW THIS IS CONFUSING TO YOU, lots of things happened in grade 6)
me and william became best friends.
like... we honestly did. i think, i was his first real friend because he was kinda the 'class bully' and like he was making fun of me one day and like i totally went off on him and he felt really bad...
and when he apologized to me like i couldn't help but feel so bad for him.
and yeah, that's how we became friends...
(raymond got pissed that i spent more time with william than with him >.>)
and like... yeah. he's one of my close friends and yet her family is close with his -_-
but... we're not that close anymore... haven't seen him in so long. and honestly, he's one of those (i don't want to be mean but) 'brand-name whores'
everything he wears is brand name. >.>
but... he's still a really nice person deep down.
and i'll admit... that in the summer before i went to jr. high... i liked william.
because we exchanged emails all summer long. and like
he went to malaysia during that time
and like apparently something was going on then (it was on the news i don't remember anymore)
but like they stopped all flights in and out. so he couldn't come back when schedualed and so he would be late for school.
i remember him telling me all of this and like i was honestly so worried about him.
i was terrified that he was going to be stuck there and that i'd never ever see him again.
haha but the dummy insisted he'd be fine and he did end up coming back... although he was late for the beginning of school.
but... the thing that i remember the most...
is in one of his emails
he said
'i miss you'
and like...coming from him, it made me feel... like, it was one of those moments you know? its not a total 'awe' but it's not a total 'HAPPY' either.
its like a really calm happy. like the feeling you get when everything will be okay and stuff.
i think the fact that he said it before i said anything made it even better.
haha when i replied my email, i said 'i miss you too' and i think that kinda embarassed him because he never said it again. XD
but...
you know
after all these years
that dummy still manages to have a special spot in my heart.
LOL did you know the he and kelvin know each other? same TKD class. hahaha
but yeah...
and like, i just need to get this out of my system:
if things with kelvin don't work out, i honestly think that if he was willing, i'd rather go with william.
because... during the time that we were best friends...
i felt so happy.
he was the only other person who made me feel like i belong.
but... i still love my poi poi :) <3
hahahaha.
GAHHHHH THE REUNION IS IN 80 MINUTES.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~
panic mode T_________T
but...
ultimately,
i think i have mixed feelings about this reunion.
Hopefully it'll go well.
apparently the reunion thing is today.
and quite honestly i'm kinda scared.
Like...
-sigh- this is gonna be really awkward to say...
but like
in elementary...
like a LONG (emphasis on that word) time ago...
me and raymond used to like each other.
YEAH YEAH i know
you're probably going 'WTFF'
but like
we did.
we honestly did.
and like
i think
he was the first person that i actually really really liked (sorry kelvin)
and i really mean that.
Because...
i remember that when i was still in grade 6
i had this one nightmare
that i can't even forget now.
and like, in that nightmare, he died.
and i remember waking up crying.
Even when i dreamt that kelvin died i didn't cry. (well, in my dream i did but i didn't wake up crying)
Well, i honestly don't like him now...
but, i've always kinda thought of his as like a little brother (HAHA yea, our birthdays are 2 days apart. mine on the 22, his on the 24)
and yea...
so he's going to the reunion too
because Alvina is making him XD rofl
hahaa
like, cindy and leanne are going too
and like i talk to them occasionally so it's gonna be fine with them and stuff. and like i talk to alvina more than the others so that's all good.
But damn
it's gonna be awkard talking to raymond you know?
we haven't talked since the 7th grade. and like...
i don't know how things ended up the way they did.
Like... in 7th grade, we all just stopped talking to each other.
Like, jimmy and i didn't talk that much but we still talked occasionally.
but me and raymond just... stopped talking.
and at first it was really weird.
because, i was so used to having him around and stuff.
And it didn't help that in grade 8 i started to date kelvin.
-sigh-
also
bobby and tyler are going too i think...
i'm kinda nervous meeting them again...
because...
well, first of all
i talked to bobby on msn last night and like...
he's changed. so much.
he's not the cute happy-go-lucky boy anymore. Like, he isn't as open as he was before.
Before he could and would laugh with anyone.
now... it's like he's a completely different person.
He's much more...reserved. Like, when i was talking to him, it was very formal. like, his words has pretty much no emotion. he got right down to business and didn't say anything more than was required to get his msg across.
To me, a reunion is something that i welcome. like, i WANT to see everyone again. and i would think that the others have the same feelings. but bobby said that he wasn't going to go if he was the only guy.
Like wtf? dammit, don't you remember all the times we've spent together??
like... even though we're not a part of your life anymore, don't you want to go back to the happy, carefree childhood life for just one more day?
well... i guess that's why i'm nervous to see bobby... because i don't know HOW he's gonna be like.
and tyler?
eeerrr...
very awkward.
very VERY awkward.
Like...
gaahh.
in grade 5... i think?
yea grade 5, or sometime around then...
-sigh- i had a 'phase' where i liked him... and i had a feeling the he liked me too.
bah. but, that phase quickly passed and shit.
like, i honestly liked raymond from grade 4-6.
and also
like, tyler has changed too.
Bobby and tyler are best friends.
they have been best friends since as long as i've known them (KINDERGARTEN)
and like... they're still best friends now.
so since Bobby has changed, who's to say that Tyler hasn't?
But... they are very precious people to me...
because, they helped create all the happy memories that i have cherished since my childhood.
But like...
yeah...
i'm so nervous.
But, i'm gonna be so happy to see natalie :)
she was my best friend in elementary.
Like, we were inseparateable.
good times honestly... even now, when i have bf troubles, she's the first one i go to talk to because she gives the best damn advice out of everyone i know.
but at the same time, the only reason she can do that is because she has been through a lot of heartache.
So yeah, i'm very excited to see Natalie. i want to talk to her a lot. Catch up and stuff. And get some advice on Kelvin because even though my last blog stated that i will stick with him no matter what, he is still being an ass.
Also...
i want to see the others too.
but...
there's one girl i DEFINATELY don't want to see...
Elizabeth.
ugh.
like. just ugh.
she's pissed at me.
and i can understand why she's pissed at me.
but like honestly? get over it.
jeezus christ, just because she's mad that i took her place in the spotlight.
Like... maybe if you had been a BETTER FRIEND than they wouldn't have ditched you.
becuase quite honestly.
like... in grade 6... *sigh*
k, we had the chinese speech contest thingy...
and like...
in the class, everyone does their thing, and then we vote on the best 3 people to compete.
and so...
when we were voting...
elizabeth went around the class telling everyone not to vote for me because i've already been chosen like 3 times before that.
and so, one of my other best friends told me what she was doing...
and like i was so upset.
because i worked hard on it. and like, let the people choose who they want because the whole point of the voting is for the best in the class to represent everyone. and like, they can choose whoever the hell they want. don't influence their voting.
and so
like i was so upset and i told the teacher.
and then the teacher phoned her parents...
and that is how she became pissed at me.
but seriously, she brought this upon herself.
and i think she still carries that grudge to today...
Honestly, it doesn't help that her family is close to William's family either.
Like...
grade 6 (I KNOW THIS IS CONFUSING TO YOU, lots of things happened in grade 6)
me and william became best friends.
like... we honestly did. i think, i was his first real friend because he was kinda the 'class bully' and like he was making fun of me one day and like i totally went off on him and he felt really bad...
and when he apologized to me like i couldn't help but feel so bad for him.
and yeah, that's how we became friends...
(raymond got pissed that i spent more time with william than with him >.>)
and like... yeah. he's one of my close friends and yet her family is close with his -_-
but... we're not that close anymore... haven't seen him in so long. and honestly, he's one of those (i don't want to be mean but) 'brand-name whores'
everything he wears is brand name. >.>
but... he's still a really nice person deep down.
and i'll admit... that in the summer before i went to jr. high... i liked william.
because we exchanged emails all summer long. and like
he went to malaysia during that time
and like apparently something was going on then (it was on the news i don't remember anymore)
but like they stopped all flights in and out. so he couldn't come back when schedualed and so he would be late for school.
i remember him telling me all of this and like i was honestly so worried about him.
i was terrified that he was going to be stuck there and that i'd never ever see him again.
haha but the dummy insisted he'd be fine and he did end up coming back... although he was late for the beginning of school.
but... the thing that i remember the most...
is in one of his emails
he said
'i miss you'
and like...coming from him, it made me feel... like, it was one of those moments you know? its not a total 'awe' but it's not a total 'HAPPY' either.
its like a really calm happy. like the feeling you get when everything will be okay and stuff.
i think the fact that he said it before i said anything made it even better.
haha when i replied my email, i said 'i miss you too' and i think that kinda embarassed him because he never said it again. XD
but...
you know
after all these years
that dummy still manages to have a special spot in my heart.
LOL did you know the he and kelvin know each other? same TKD class. hahaha
but yeah...
and like, i just need to get this out of my system:
if things with kelvin don't work out, i honestly think that if he was willing, i'd rather go with william.
because... during the time that we were best friends...
i felt so happy.
he was the only other person who made me feel like i belong.
but... i still love my poi poi :) <3
hahahaha.
GAHHHHH THE REUNION IS IN 80 MINUTES.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~
panic mode T_________T
but...
ultimately,
i think i have mixed feelings about this reunion.
Hopefully it'll go well.
His Smile.
idk...
like...
today i was thinking about my relationship and stuff...
and i guess...
like, i SHOULD be mad after all that i've gone through, like i'm no saint, honestly.
i AM mad.
but...
at the same time
when i think about all those times we've spent together
and like
damn
if i think about his smile
or rather
the way he smiles at me when i do something he finds absolutely ADORABLE
it just...
i feel like i will always give him another chance.
because honestly...
Truth to the matter is...
i love him way too much for my own good.
its not that i can't let him go and i'm clingy
like
i can let him go
if i wanted to.
i'm prepared for it.
but...
i don't want to.
because
even though it hurts
and even though i suffer everyday that we are together...
i just...
i love him.
i honestly do.
with ever fibre in my body.
i truly and honestly do love him.
Because...
today
i realized
that he means the world to me.
but, at the same time
i haven't lost my grip on reality
i'm not stupid.
there is no forever.
but
there is a now.
and now is where choices are made.
and i choose
to love him, regardless of all the good and bad i have to go through.
because
when he looks at me
and lets down all his barriers
and gives me that smile that i adore so much...
i can feel how much he loves me.
i feel like i belong.
and though it's true that i'd rather hate him if this is what it's like to love him...
it doesn't change the fact that i love him, not hate him.
Right now i am blogging this at home...
but i am not truly home.
My home is where my happiness is
and that is with his smile.
like...
today i was thinking about my relationship and stuff...
and i guess...
like, i SHOULD be mad after all that i've gone through, like i'm no saint, honestly.
i AM mad.
but...
at the same time
when i think about all those times we've spent together
and like
damn
if i think about his smile
or rather
the way he smiles at me when i do something he finds absolutely ADORABLE
it just...
i feel like i will always give him another chance.
because honestly...
Truth to the matter is...
i love him way too much for my own good.
its not that i can't let him go and i'm clingy
like
i can let him go
if i wanted to.
i'm prepared for it.
but...
i don't want to.
because
even though it hurts
and even though i suffer everyday that we are together...
i just...
i love him.
i honestly do.
with ever fibre in my body.
i truly and honestly do love him.
Because...
today
i realized
that he means the world to me.
but, at the same time
i haven't lost my grip on reality
i'm not stupid.
there is no forever.
but
there is a now.
and now is where choices are made.
and i choose
to love him, regardless of all the good and bad i have to go through.
because
when he looks at me
and lets down all his barriers
and gives me that smile that i adore so much...
i can feel how much he loves me.
i feel like i belong.
and though it's true that i'd rather hate him if this is what it's like to love him...
it doesn't change the fact that i love him, not hate him.
Right now i am blogging this at home...
but i am not truly home.
My home is where my happiness is
and that is with his smile.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I'd Rather.
So...
i'm wondering...
if i should even go on with this bullshit.
Honestly,
i don't even think i care anymore.
Like... this is the most apathetic i've felt from the 2 years we've been dating.
First of all,
he didn't show up on saturday. and that was my only chance to see him this summer.
Second of all,
he broke his promise. he didn't send me an email this week. But then again, i'm not even sure i want to read any of his emails because they're so fucking insensitive and like... i might as well be someone he hates because that's what it sounds like.
Right about now
i really want to talk to him.
Like
down to earth talk.
Like, 'THE TALK'.
'THE TALK' where i tell him about how apathetic i feel right now and how i feel like ending our relationship. Where i tell him how much i've been hurting and how it feels like he doesn't give a shit anymore. How everytime he says 'sorry' it feels like he's just saying it to apease me.
He isn't putting in any effort into keeping our relationship alive. So why should i?
like...
i've said this before
and i'll say it again.
If this is what it's like to love you,
i'd rather hate you.
i'm wondering...
if i should even go on with this bullshit.
Honestly,
i don't even think i care anymore.
Like... this is the most apathetic i've felt from the 2 years we've been dating.
First of all,
he didn't show up on saturday. and that was my only chance to see him this summer.
Second of all,
he broke his promise. he didn't send me an email this week. But then again, i'm not even sure i want to read any of his emails because they're so fucking insensitive and like... i might as well be someone he hates because that's what it sounds like.
Right about now
i really want to talk to him.
Like
down to earth talk.
Like, 'THE TALK'.
'THE TALK' where i tell him about how apathetic i feel right now and how i feel like ending our relationship. Where i tell him how much i've been hurting and how it feels like he doesn't give a shit anymore. How everytime he says 'sorry' it feels like he's just saying it to apease me.
He isn't putting in any effort into keeping our relationship alive. So why should i?
like...
i've said this before
and i'll say it again.
If this is what it's like to love you,
i'd rather hate you.
:)
i will go tomorrow... and support Shevon on her piano exam :)
I AM GOING BECAUSE...
YOU ARE MY FRIEND
I WILL CHEER YOU UP
I WILL SUPPORT YOU
AND I'M ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEED ME. :)
...did that at least cheer your day up? XD
I AM GOING BECAUSE...
YOU ARE MY FRIEND
I WILL CHEER YOU UP
I WILL SUPPORT YOU
AND I'M ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEED ME. :)
...did that at least cheer your day up? XD
LOLOL
So...
right now i'm volunteering at the fringe and i'm on my break... hahaha
and
i'm at this 'Free internet cafe' which just so happens to be conveniently placed just outside of the 'Kids Fringe'
XDD
so yea, i'm blogging right in the middle of the Fringe Theatre Festival...
i have no money so i can't exactly buy anything. But then again i don't want to spend T__T
no money to spend. DX
Maybe i'll blog again after my shift is done but for now, i'm gonna go wander around and check out everything. Or maybe i'll go to the Volunteeer HQ to eat some stuff...
oh well,
i blog later.
right now i'm volunteering at the fringe and i'm on my break... hahaha
and
i'm at this 'Free internet cafe' which just so happens to be conveniently placed just outside of the 'Kids Fringe'
XDD
so yea, i'm blogging right in the middle of the Fringe Theatre Festival...
i have no money so i can't exactly buy anything. But then again i don't want to spend T__T
no money to spend. DX
Maybe i'll blog again after my shift is done but for now, i'm gonna go wander around and check out everything. Or maybe i'll go to the Volunteeer HQ to eat some stuff...
oh well,
i blog later.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Love in it's purest form.
I have volunteer tmrw...by myself.
T_________T
but...
i like working with the kids
haha.
Yeah, i'm volunteering at the Fringe Theatre Festival.
And yes, i'm working at the Kids Fringe XD
like
when i volunteered yesterday...
i had so much fun.
Because, i was at the arts and crafts station at first, like from 9-11:30 to 12ish
and so
i'm sitting there and like helping kids get set up and stuff
so then comes along this really tiny little guy (not racist, but he's black)
and
HE WAS SO ADORABLE!!
i was like 'do you wanna make something?'
i swear to god he had the cutest voice hahahaa
he was so shy at first and he just nodded and stuff
and like
he was so short he couldn't climb on the bench
so i had to lift him up.
OMG HE WAS SO LIGHT.
like, i'm used to lifting kids that are like 70 pounds and stuff (cuz my cousins are that heavy)
and like
i just prepare to pick him up
and like, i was so shocked at how easily i picked him up
if i didn't stop myself, i probably would've threw him LOLLL
but like, yea, i was so shocked
then i sat him down
and i gave him this glue stick
and like i was giving him stuff to choose from
and soon he started laughing and like picking all these different things
His mom was so happy to see her son smiling :) you could honestly see it in her eyes and facial expression.
i felt so proud. Like... i was making him happy... and i made his mother happy at the same time.
Then i was like thinking
about how a mother's joy would feel like.
Like when i think about a mother's joy, i think about like those lazy sunday afternoons where the mom is playing with their kid in the backyard and like they have cupcakes and play tag and everything.
but like
a mother's love
is love in it's purest form no?
and
happiness stems so easily from it
Like, a mother feels happy just by seeing their child smile or laugh.
Such a simple action can make the biggest difference in a mother's day.
I felt so proud :)
but...
he had to go after a bit :(
i swear to god if i didn't have any self restraint, i would have kidnapped him
lol
BWAHAHAHA ALL MINE!!!
XDD
but, the team leaders would've killed me. XP
around 11:30 to 12ish, the Kids Fringe supervisor came and told me to take a 15 min break before going to the Art project station.
The Art Project station was so cool!!
likee
they give you a big piece of white paper
with like different banners/words around the edges
and you can draw w/e in the middle
but like you gotta use crayons
and so
after you finish
you bring it up to the front desk and they paint over everything with diluted clothing dye.
and like, once it dries. it's amazing.
Because, the paint makes the crayon stand out like a LOT
and it's absolutely gorgeous.
Like, there were these two sisters (so cute, both had blonde hair and like big eyes and chubby cheeks X3) who basically just drew big loops and like... it was basically what we call 'doodling'.
just a bunch of random loops and stuff.
and like...
it wasn't a pretty picture at first or w/e
but once they put the paint on
the colors stood out so much
like
it was the prettiest thing i'd seen all day.
like, i'd look at that over something in the art gallery anyday.
haha...
i guess...
i'm looking forward to tmrw :D
Honestly, i felt so good on Friday... like... to see the parents so happy... i felt the love you know? LOLL
It was so obvious, you could see how much all the kids were loved by their parents.
Makes me so nostalgic... remember the days where i was as young as them :) not a care in the world
haha...
wish i could go back to those days.
T_________T
but...
i like working with the kids
haha.
Yeah, i'm volunteering at the Fringe Theatre Festival.
And yes, i'm working at the Kids Fringe XD
like
when i volunteered yesterday...
i had so much fun.
Because, i was at the arts and crafts station at first, like from 9-11:30 to 12ish
and so
i'm sitting there and like helping kids get set up and stuff
so then comes along this really tiny little guy (not racist, but he's black)
and
HE WAS SO ADORABLE!!
i was like 'do you wanna make something?'
i swear to god he had the cutest voice hahahaa
he was so shy at first and he just nodded and stuff
and like
he was so short he couldn't climb on the bench
so i had to lift him up.
OMG HE WAS SO LIGHT.
like, i'm used to lifting kids that are like 70 pounds and stuff (cuz my cousins are that heavy)
and like
i just prepare to pick him up
and like, i was so shocked at how easily i picked him up
if i didn't stop myself, i probably would've threw him LOLLL
but like, yea, i was so shocked
then i sat him down
and i gave him this glue stick
and like i was giving him stuff to choose from
and soon he started laughing and like picking all these different things
His mom was so happy to see her son smiling :) you could honestly see it in her eyes and facial expression.
i felt so proud. Like... i was making him happy... and i made his mother happy at the same time.
Then i was like thinking
about how a mother's joy would feel like.
Like when i think about a mother's joy, i think about like those lazy sunday afternoons where the mom is playing with their kid in the backyard and like they have cupcakes and play tag and everything.
but like
a mother's love
is love in it's purest form no?
and
happiness stems so easily from it
Like, a mother feels happy just by seeing their child smile or laugh.
Such a simple action can make the biggest difference in a mother's day.
I felt so proud :)
but...
he had to go after a bit :(
i swear to god if i didn't have any self restraint, i would have kidnapped him
lol
BWAHAHAHA ALL MINE!!!
XDD
but, the team leaders would've killed me. XP
around 11:30 to 12ish, the Kids Fringe supervisor came and told me to take a 15 min break before going to the Art project station.
The Art Project station was so cool!!
likee
they give you a big piece of white paper
with like different banners/words around the edges
and you can draw w/e in the middle
but like you gotta use crayons
and so
after you finish
you bring it up to the front desk and they paint over everything with diluted clothing dye.
and like, once it dries. it's amazing.
Because, the paint makes the crayon stand out like a LOT
and it's absolutely gorgeous.
Like, there were these two sisters (so cute, both had blonde hair and like big eyes and chubby cheeks X3) who basically just drew big loops and like... it was basically what we call 'doodling'.
just a bunch of random loops and stuff.
and like...
it wasn't a pretty picture at first or w/e
but once they put the paint on
the colors stood out so much
like
it was the prettiest thing i'd seen all day.
like, i'd look at that over something in the art gallery anyday.
haha...
i guess...
i'm looking forward to tmrw :D
Honestly, i felt so good on Friday... like... to see the parents so happy... i felt the love you know? LOLL
It was so obvious, you could see how much all the kids were loved by their parents.
Makes me so nostalgic... remember the days where i was as young as them :) not a care in the world
haha...
wish i could go back to those days.
SNAP LOL
wow... not only did i eat the oranges in the wrong order, i also forgot to switch directions when bowing at the end...
-SIGH- i'm such a noob compared to EJ... T__T
I WISH I COULD BE AS PRO AS HER!! T____________________________T
-SIGH- i'm such a noob compared to EJ... T__T
I WISH I COULD BE AS PRO AS HER!! T____________________________T
LOL...
so i'm watching my lion dance performance (the one i did at city centre...also the one where i ate the oranges in the wrong order LOL) and i'm like
-sigh- need more move variety DX
MUST IMPROVE!!
-sigh- need more move variety DX
MUST IMPROVE!!
"Now it's too late for you and your white horse... to catch me now."
White Horse - Taylor Swift
Say you're sorry,
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should've known, I should've known
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake I didnt know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings;
Now I know
I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry
Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse,
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.
Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.
Change my mind, maybe this song suits the state of our relationship better.
Say you're sorry,
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holdin' on,
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should've known, I should've known
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
Maybe I was naïve,
Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake I didnt know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings;
Now I know
I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.
And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry
Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror,
Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse,
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.
Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.
Change my mind, maybe this song suits the state of our relationship better.
That is TRUE talent.
oh wow...
likee
she's so talented
o.O
right now
i'm on youtube
and watching connie talbot vids.
Like honestly
when she sang 'Over the Rainbow' at BGT (Britain's Got Talent)
she made me cry.
but she's older now (no idea how old)
but...
listening to all of her songs
at like diff ages
i still cry.
SO beautiful!!
likee
she's so talented
o.O
right now
i'm on youtube
and watching connie talbot vids.
Like honestly
when she sang 'Over the Rainbow' at BGT (Britain's Got Talent)
she made me cry.
but she's older now (no idea how old)
but...
listening to all of her songs
at like diff ages
i still cry.
SO beautiful!!
She is the Sunlight - Trading Yesterday
If all the flowers faded away
And if all the storm clouds decided to stay
Then you would find me each hour the same
She is tomorrow and I am today
And if right is leaving I'd rather be wrong
She is the sunlight and the sun is gone
If loving her is a heartache for me
And if holding her means that I have to bleed
Then I am the martyr and love is to blame
She is the healing and I am the pain
She lives in a daydream where I don't belong
She is the sunlight and the sun is gone
And it will take this life of regret
For my heart to learn to forget
Tomorrow will be as it always has been
And I will fall to her again
For I know I've come too close
Cause if right is leaving I'd rather be wrong
She is the sunlight and the sun is gone
She is the sunlight and the sun is gone
Beautiful song :) and it really reminds me of my relationship.
And if all the storm clouds decided to stay
Then you would find me each hour the same
She is tomorrow and I am today
And if right is leaving I'd rather be wrong
She is the sunlight and the sun is gone
If loving her is a heartache for me
And if holding her means that I have to bleed
Then I am the martyr and love is to blame
She is the healing and I am the pain
She lives in a daydream where I don't belong
She is the sunlight and the sun is gone
And it will take this life of regret
For my heart to learn to forget
Tomorrow will be as it always has been
And I will fall to her again
For I know I've come too close
Cause if right is leaving I'd rather be wrong
She is the sunlight and the sun is gone
She is the sunlight and the sun is gone
Beautiful song :) and it really reminds me of my relationship.
Today, Good Day.
So...
he didn't show up.
and surprisingly
i wasn't that upset
you know?
cuz like...
i realized
chris is sorta like one of the closest friends i have...
he's there for me when kelvin never is, and i'm there for him when there's nobody left.
In a way i guess he's kinda my support and i'm his support.
Like...
i was there for him when his dad died... and like... there wasn't anyone he could talk to really. I remember feeling so bad for him... like honestly, he lost his mom as a kid and now his dad is gone too? i can't even imagine what it must be like for him. I guess i kinda decided then that i wasn't ever going to leave him (like die i mean). Cuz it occured to me:
Chris has been hurt so many times. His heart is full of hurt and there's nothing i can do about it. He's been picked on and stuff and yet he still finds the courage to face each day head on.
Iunno...
like
i think... Chris will be someone that i will be friends with for a long time to come.
Even today
i hung out with just him
because Kelvin didn't show up.
and like...
i had a good time.
But... i think we gave off the wrong impression though. Lots of people were staring at us LOL especially when we went to marble slab to get ice cream. The dude was at the cash register and like he looked at Chris and was like "paying together?" almost like he expected him to pay for me too LOLLL XD
I think i can be more at ease when i hang with Chris though. Like i'll admit it started out awkward and stuff because i was like 'snaap. it's just me and him. ALMOST LIKE A DATE?!?!?!'
but then i kinda got used to it and yeah... i had lots of fun :)
The movie was awesome too. XD
I was honestly surprised though, like... i wasn't upset at all when kelvin didn't come. instead, i kinda felt like: 'well, that idiot isn't gonna show up... but i'm gonna have fun even without him.'
and i did :)
we went to BP's first and like we ordered our food. Like, i honestly think that i talk more with chris than i do with kelvin. cuz kelvin doesn't even try to keep the conversation going while chris and me can talk endlessly.
I found that we laughed a lot when we were talking :) i was very happy because i was so worried that he'd still be upset about his father's death. Like... i know losing a parent isn't easy... and like it's only been like 2 weeks or so... but i was so honestly scared that i would never see him smile again.
To me, my friends' smiles are something i never want to lose. And that goes for everyone.
So... i was very very happy when i saw chris smile and laugh.
After we finished eating, we walked to the theater and like were looking for movies to watch, since the timing wasn't that great, there was only like 3 options and so we ended up choosing 'The Perfect Getaway' which is like a horror/thriller/action (not really) kinda thing.
Like when we were choosing the movies, i wasn't sure what he wanted to watch so i asked him and he was like 'whatever you choose is fine with me' and like to me, it felt like he was saying 'i think you wanna watch the romantic comedy so this is my way of telling you that i'm okay with it'
but... i guess the thriller movie was better so we chose that instead XD
I'll admit, the movie was a bit awkward... because...
I NEVER REALIZED THE SEATS WERE THAT CLOSE!!
likee
we would comment and then
the first time i wanted to say something
like
i turned my head
and nearly freaked
because
his face was like so close
and i was like 'SNAP WHY ARE THE SEATS SO FREAKING CLOSE TO EACH OTHER'
and likee
i could pretty much feel his body heat.
and
STUPID CHRIS TOOK THE ARM REST >=(
for the entire movie too >=[
but
I ATE MORE M&M'S THAN HIM >=]
hahahaha
but but but
after that
i got used to it again
and like the movie was crazyyy~~
UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS
lots of attempted stabbing/shooting though XD
a bit bloody but otherwise AWESOMMEE
we were like 'that annoying girl is gonna die first'
AND TURNS OUT
THAT GIRL WAS THE KILLER'S ACCOMPLICE =O
lol we were so shocked XD yea...
and then afterwards we just hung out... went to marble slab... EB games... and then his mom came to pick him up so he could go pick John up so they could hang at his house.
Yea...
all in all, i guess a pretty good day??
but now,
i'm kinda upset at kelvin
because
he didn't even bother to call me to tell me that he wouldn't show for sure. Like, he only sent me that one email saying that he 'might not show up'.
Like wtf
just give me a straight answer dammit.
You know what just occured to me?
i've spent time alone (outside of school) with almost everyone that is like close to me EXCEPT FOR MY OWN BF.
how fucked up is that?
man...
i think i should seriously consider breaking up with Kelvin.
he didn't show up.
and surprisingly
i wasn't that upset
you know?
cuz like...
i realized
chris is sorta like one of the closest friends i have...
he's there for me when kelvin never is, and i'm there for him when there's nobody left.
In a way i guess he's kinda my support and i'm his support.
Like...
i was there for him when his dad died... and like... there wasn't anyone he could talk to really. I remember feeling so bad for him... like honestly, he lost his mom as a kid and now his dad is gone too? i can't even imagine what it must be like for him. I guess i kinda decided then that i wasn't ever going to leave him (like die i mean). Cuz it occured to me:
Chris has been hurt so many times. His heart is full of hurt and there's nothing i can do about it. He's been picked on and stuff and yet he still finds the courage to face each day head on.
Iunno...
like
i think... Chris will be someone that i will be friends with for a long time to come.
Even today
i hung out with just him
because Kelvin didn't show up.
and like...
i had a good time.
But... i think we gave off the wrong impression though. Lots of people were staring at us LOL especially when we went to marble slab to get ice cream. The dude was at the cash register and like he looked at Chris and was like "paying together?" almost like he expected him to pay for me too LOLLL XD
I think i can be more at ease when i hang with Chris though. Like i'll admit it started out awkward and stuff because i was like 'snaap. it's just me and him. ALMOST LIKE A DATE?!?!?!'
but then i kinda got used to it and yeah... i had lots of fun :)
The movie was awesome too. XD
I was honestly surprised though, like... i wasn't upset at all when kelvin didn't come. instead, i kinda felt like: 'well, that idiot isn't gonna show up... but i'm gonna have fun even without him.'
and i did :)
we went to BP's first and like we ordered our food. Like, i honestly think that i talk more with chris than i do with kelvin. cuz kelvin doesn't even try to keep the conversation going while chris and me can talk endlessly.
I found that we laughed a lot when we were talking :) i was very happy because i was so worried that he'd still be upset about his father's death. Like... i know losing a parent isn't easy... and like it's only been like 2 weeks or so... but i was so honestly scared that i would never see him smile again.
To me, my friends' smiles are something i never want to lose. And that goes for everyone.
So... i was very very happy when i saw chris smile and laugh.
After we finished eating, we walked to the theater and like were looking for movies to watch, since the timing wasn't that great, there was only like 3 options and so we ended up choosing 'The Perfect Getaway' which is like a horror/thriller/action (not really) kinda thing.
Like when we were choosing the movies, i wasn't sure what he wanted to watch so i asked him and he was like 'whatever you choose is fine with me' and like to me, it felt like he was saying 'i think you wanna watch the romantic comedy so this is my way of telling you that i'm okay with it'
but... i guess the thriller movie was better so we chose that instead XD
I'll admit, the movie was a bit awkward... because...
I NEVER REALIZED THE SEATS WERE THAT CLOSE!!
likee
we would comment and then
the first time i wanted to say something
like
i turned my head
and nearly freaked
because
his face was like so close
and i was like 'SNAP WHY ARE THE SEATS SO FREAKING CLOSE TO EACH OTHER'
and likee
i could pretty much feel his body heat.
and
STUPID CHRIS TOOK THE ARM REST >=(
for the entire movie too >=[
but
I ATE MORE M&M'S THAN HIM >=]
hahahaha
but but but
after that
i got used to it again
and like the movie was crazyyy~~
UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS
lots of attempted stabbing/shooting though XD
a bit bloody but otherwise AWESOMMEE
we were like 'that annoying girl is gonna die first'
AND TURNS OUT
THAT GIRL WAS THE KILLER'S ACCOMPLICE =O
lol we were so shocked XD yea...
and then afterwards we just hung out... went to marble slab... EB games... and then his mom came to pick him up so he could go pick John up so they could hang at his house.
Yea...
all in all, i guess a pretty good day??
but now,
i'm kinda upset at kelvin
because
he didn't even bother to call me to tell me that he wouldn't show for sure. Like, he only sent me that one email saying that he 'might not show up'.
Like wtf
just give me a straight answer dammit.
You know what just occured to me?
i've spent time alone (outside of school) with almost everyone that is like close to me EXCEPT FOR MY OWN BF.
how fucked up is that?
man...
i think i should seriously consider breaking up with Kelvin.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
3,2,1 KABLOOEY!
okay.
i think
i kinda spazzed a bit on my last posts...
i was at the end of my wits
and like really upset.
but
i realized that i over reacted
because
as soon as i left the house for work
i calmed down
and i found that it didn't really bother me
which kinda set off alarms in my head
because i'm thinking:
when did i stop caring?
but then
i did a double take
and thought:
well, so what if he missed this one? he's missed so many others that i'm used to not seeing him at all over summer holidays.
So
i guess
i'm not as upset anymore
but i'm still not happy with his email.
So right now
i'm kinda 50/50, 50% angry, 50% apathetic.
i think
i kinda spazzed a bit on my last posts...
i was at the end of my wits
and like really upset.
but
i realized that i over reacted
because
as soon as i left the house for work
i calmed down
and i found that it didn't really bother me
which kinda set off alarms in my head
because i'm thinking:
when did i stop caring?
but then
i did a double take
and thought:
well, so what if he missed this one? he's missed so many others that i'm used to not seeing him at all over summer holidays.
So
i guess
i'm not as upset anymore
but i'm still not happy with his email.
So right now
i'm kinda 50/50, 50% angry, 50% apathetic.
Shevoon~~
I'll be online tonight when you get back from your SU meeting. Just letting you know i'll be there if you need to talk :)
FML
Honestly
you know what?
if this is what it's like to love you
i'd rather hate you.
If this is what i have to go through every single day of my life until you have to leave
I'd rather leave you now.
Like seriously.
I planned this fucking get together for TWO FUCKING MONTHS NOW.
and like 2 days before it actually happens
you DARE send me an email saying
'oh, i might not make it, so if i don't show up, you know why.'
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
no sorry?
no apology?
no nothing?
to me, it sounds like you don't even FUCKING CARE
you know what?
i don't even think I fucking care anymore.
Really now,
what do you expect me to do?
just stand around there waiting for you like a love-sick puppy?
i'm not waiting for you anymore
seriously
go fuck yourself.
i'm so mad at you right now i dont even GIVE a fucking crap if you read this.
You have no idea how much i hurt every single fucking day.
You have no idea how much i want this to work out.
You don't know what it's like to go through every day with the knowledge that one day you'll just get up and leave without caring that i'm left behind to pick up the pieces.
If this is what it's like to love you...
i'd rather hate you.
you know what?
if this is what it's like to love you
i'd rather hate you.
If this is what i have to go through every single day of my life until you have to leave
I'd rather leave you now.
Like seriously.
I planned this fucking get together for TWO FUCKING MONTHS NOW.
and like 2 days before it actually happens
you DARE send me an email saying
'oh, i might not make it, so if i don't show up, you know why.'
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.
no sorry?
no apology?
no nothing?
to me, it sounds like you don't even FUCKING CARE
you know what?
i don't even think I fucking care anymore.
Really now,
what do you expect me to do?
just stand around there waiting for you like a love-sick puppy?
i'm not waiting for you anymore
seriously
go fuck yourself.
i'm so mad at you right now i dont even GIVE a fucking crap if you read this.
You have no idea how much i hurt every single fucking day.
You have no idea how much i want this to work out.
You don't know what it's like to go through every day with the knowledge that one day you'll just get up and leave without caring that i'm left behind to pick up the pieces.
If this is what it's like to love you...
i'd rather hate you.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Let Me Introduce You To The Wonderful Game of Bullshit, Otherwise Known As Life.
arrgghh.
likee
seriously.
i'm going insane
i should stop reading those stupid romance/relationship help articles
because it's only filling my head with negative thoughts.
Honestly, it feels like weeks since his last email... but it was actually only last saturday... i think?
i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
could be a good thing
like maybe
i miss him so much that time seems to last forever until i hear from him next?
idk
but
i sure as hell do know that i miss his hugs :(
like...
i miss being safe i guess.
i miss the feeling where i'm living in the moment and nothing can ever hurt me while he's there to hug me.
but....
last saturday...
he signed on msn to talk to me..
and like
i found that i didn't even want to talk to him.
well, not that i didn't want to talk to him, more like i didn't know what to say.
IS IT OKAY TO BE JEALOUS OF YOUR BF?
LOL
because
i think i'm jealous of him
i'm jealous that he gets to go travel every freaking summer while i'm stuck here in edmonton every single day of my fucking life.
but...
at the same time
i know he loves to travel. like, to me, i see him as a free spirit. You can't chain him down to a place because he'll hate you for it. I know he loves to see new things and stuff... but like...
i'm jealous.
and i'm also insecure because whenever he's away from me, i wonder what he's doing.
I think this problem stemmed from the fact that last year when he went to toronto, he openly flirted with several girls and then TOLD me about it. like really, wtf?
and honestly, he sounded PROUD of it.
Now that i think about it, i can see why he'd be proud of it.
Like when i think about it
2 reasons come to mind
a) he likes to see me jealous (he's actually told me before that a part of him likes me jealous because it reminds him that i love him)
b) it goes to show that he is in some way attractive and wants to tell me that he's mine only.
yea i know, part b) doesn't make sense. but that's because i haven't finished telling you everything.
apparently he openly flirted with the girls just to see their reaction when he told them that he was taken.
You know what? i think i'll just humor him. Make this a boost to his ego.
bleah. no use worrying about something that happened a year ago i guess.
but.......
i'm seeing him this saturday.
well, not just him. more like him and chris.
Chris i'm gonna be happy to see because like... besides kelvin and shevon, he's my best friend. and i know i'm one of his closest friends.
Kelvin? i dunno. Like... i'll be happy to see him and all... but a part of me is so scared about how things will be like. Like i remember when we entered grade 10, our relationship was shitty as hell. That's when i tried to break up with him. But apparently he wasn't ready to let go of our relationship yet. so i held on.
Then it got worse. and so i tried breaking up with him again. and once again he told me not to go. and so i held on again. yea, i know, call me an idiot. i AM one and i probably deserve whatever profanities that is going through your head right now.
Then at M.E open house... we got into a big argument that day... same argument as last time i nearly broke up with him... about him moving after high school and how he put an expiry date on our relationship and how i was wasting my time and effort trying to make a 'just for fun' relationship work.
argh.
i don't know how i'm gonna react when i see him.
that damn bastard better give me a hug.
Or else i'm not gonna hug him until he begs me to. >=/
...BAH who am i kidding, i love his hugs, i'll probably ask for a hug before he asks for one.
but...
i've noticed that a lot of the time now... i wonder if all this effort is worth it. Like...
does he even love me? i don't think so anymore...
i think i'm just an accessory to him.
Like, i'm there beside him so that he can say he has a gf.
why am i wasting my time going out with a guy who doesn't even treat me like his gf?
like honestly.
fuck this.
fuck all of this.
argh.
Like... i keep telling him that i'm not going to be here forever.
and he doesn't fucking get it.
or maybe he does get it and doesn't fucking care.
whatever the fuck it is, i don't like it.
today...
i was surfing the net...
and i came upon some quotes...
and there was this one quote that i thought stood out from all the rest.
likee
seriously.
i'm going insane
i should stop reading those stupid romance/relationship help articles
because it's only filling my head with negative thoughts.
Honestly, it feels like weeks since his last email... but it was actually only last saturday... i think?
i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
could be a good thing
like maybe
i miss him so much that time seems to last forever until i hear from him next?
idk
but
i sure as hell do know that i miss his hugs :(
like...
i miss being safe i guess.
i miss the feeling where i'm living in the moment and nothing can ever hurt me while he's there to hug me.
but....
last saturday...
he signed on msn to talk to me..
and like
i found that i didn't even want to talk to him.
well, not that i didn't want to talk to him, more like i didn't know what to say.
IS IT OKAY TO BE JEALOUS OF YOUR BF?
LOL
because
i think i'm jealous of him
i'm jealous that he gets to go travel every freaking summer while i'm stuck here in edmonton every single day of my fucking life.
but...
at the same time
i know he loves to travel. like, to me, i see him as a free spirit. You can't chain him down to a place because he'll hate you for it. I know he loves to see new things and stuff... but like...
i'm jealous.
and i'm also insecure because whenever he's away from me, i wonder what he's doing.
I think this problem stemmed from the fact that last year when he went to toronto, he openly flirted with several girls and then TOLD me about it. like really, wtf?
and honestly, he sounded PROUD of it.
Now that i think about it, i can see why he'd be proud of it.
Like when i think about it
2 reasons come to mind
a) he likes to see me jealous (he's actually told me before that a part of him likes me jealous because it reminds him that i love him)
b) it goes to show that he is in some way attractive and wants to tell me that he's mine only.
yea i know, part b) doesn't make sense. but that's because i haven't finished telling you everything.
apparently he openly flirted with the girls just to see their reaction when he told them that he was taken.
You know what? i think i'll just humor him. Make this a boost to his ego.
bleah. no use worrying about something that happened a year ago i guess.
but.......
i'm seeing him this saturday.
well, not just him. more like him and chris.
Chris i'm gonna be happy to see because like... besides kelvin and shevon, he's my best friend. and i know i'm one of his closest friends.
Kelvin? i dunno. Like... i'll be happy to see him and all... but a part of me is so scared about how things will be like. Like i remember when we entered grade 10, our relationship was shitty as hell. That's when i tried to break up with him. But apparently he wasn't ready to let go of our relationship yet. so i held on.
Then it got worse. and so i tried breaking up with him again. and once again he told me not to go. and so i held on again. yea, i know, call me an idiot. i AM one and i probably deserve whatever profanities that is going through your head right now.
Then at M.E open house... we got into a big argument that day... same argument as last time i nearly broke up with him... about him moving after high school and how he put an expiry date on our relationship and how i was wasting my time and effort trying to make a 'just for fun' relationship work.
argh.
i don't know how i'm gonna react when i see him.
that damn bastard better give me a hug.
Or else i'm not gonna hug him until he begs me to. >=/
...BAH who am i kidding, i love his hugs, i'll probably ask for a hug before he asks for one.
but...
i've noticed that a lot of the time now... i wonder if all this effort is worth it. Like...
does he even love me? i don't think so anymore...
i think i'm just an accessory to him.
Like, i'm there beside him so that he can say he has a gf.
why am i wasting my time going out with a guy who doesn't even treat me like his gf?
like honestly.
fuck this.
fuck all of this.
argh.
Like... i keep telling him that i'm not going to be here forever.
and he doesn't fucking get it.
or maybe he does get it and doesn't fucking care.
whatever the fuck it is, i don't like it.
today...
i was surfing the net...
and i came upon some quotes...
and there was this one quote that i thought stood out from all the rest.
The couple that fights the most is the one most in love...
it shows they care enough to notice the other one screwed up and care enough to mention it to the person so they can fix it.
When you stop fighting,
It means you stopped caring.
Shawna Waltemyer
Single Divorced mother of 2
this quote stood out because it had some truth to it.
But then i read it over and i wondered: but if your significant other truly loves you, wouldn't they know that you're trying to help them and therefore you wouldn't fight?
Actually now that i've typed that out, i kinda get it... because we're all human right...? i guess no matter how humble you are, human beings in general don't like their faults being pointed out... especially not by someone whom you love and want to seem perfect to.
Looking back on the website i read the quote on, there are several other good quotes too...
Don't let someone become your everything,
because when they're gone, you have nothing.
Kenya Mitchell
True... but then if you don't let them become your everything, then having them means nothing and therefore you already have NOTHING. If you at least take the risk of loving someone, you risk losing everything, but you also have the chance of gaining everything.
To me, i'd rather gamble on that. I'd rather risk everything i have just to get that chance to gain even more. I'm human, i'm greedy. I want to be loved.
-sigh-...
sometimes...
he just confuses me.
You know...
sometimes now... when he says 'I love you' or adds a '<3'>i can't help but think....
Bullshit.
I wonder...
if we'll even make it to the end of high school...
Maybe, when i'm older
and if i'm not dating him anymore,
i'll think back and remember all the times he told me 'I love you',
and I'll say...:
'Bullshit.'
Sunday, August 9, 2009
blaargghh
i had the weirdest dream...
omfg...
i think
maybe i should lay off the sonic obsession for a while... >.>
what a messed up dream -_-"
omfg...
i think
maybe i should lay off the sonic obsession for a while... >.>
what a messed up dream -_-"
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Same diff~
okay, so apparently in ep 52, he didn't say 'aishiteru' instead he said 'daisuke' which basically means the same thing... cept 'daisuke' can be translated to 'i like you a lot' or 'i love you' but we all get the msg.
so instead of saying "aishiteru amy" he actually said (after quite some extensive research -_-) "Emi Rozu...Daisuke"
yea i realize that i didn't spell it as "Amy Rose" but that's jap for you.
so instead of saying "aishiteru amy" he actually said (after quite some extensive research -_-) "Emi Rozu...Daisuke"
yea i realize that i didn't spell it as "Amy Rose" but that's jap for you.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I am SO sorry about my fangirling right now.
FWWEEEEE~~
ANOTHER SONICXAMY MOMENTT :)
this one was very sweet of sonic. although it could never beat episode 52 LOLL
Another piece of evidence that Sonic cares for Amy ;)
Sonic can't swim. In fact, he hates water. If he could will it, he would get rid of all the water in the universe. But when Amy falls into the water after hitting Eggman, Sonic doesn't even think about it and jumps in after her... forgetting about the fact that he can't swim XD (i'll admit he was a bit stupid there)
Andd...
he knew how much that bracelet meant to Amy... and especially the time she put in to make it... so he decided to repair it and keep it after the stupid machine broke it (which was why Amy was so mad and crying).
HERES THE LINKK:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4xN4TMLHkg
ANOTHER SONICXAMY MOMENTT :)
this one was very sweet of sonic. although it could never beat episode 52 LOLL
Another piece of evidence that Sonic cares for Amy ;)
Sonic can't swim. In fact, he hates water. If he could will it, he would get rid of all the water in the universe. But when Amy falls into the water after hitting Eggman, Sonic doesn't even think about it and jumps in after her... forgetting about the fact that he can't swim XD (i'll admit he was a bit stupid there)
Andd...
he knew how much that bracelet meant to Amy... and especially the time she put in to make it... so he decided to repair it and keep it after the stupid machine broke it (which was why Amy was so mad and crying).
HERES THE LINKK:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4xN4TMLHkg
SQUEEE~~
i had to post it. i love it soo much. This was the total 'awe' moment in Sonic X episode 52 XDD LMAOO i'm such a kid...
the jap version is 1000000000000000000000000X better than the english version. In the jap version though, when sonic's lips are moving and there's no sound, he's actually saying 'aishiteru amy' which means 'i love you amy' :)
LOL i'm not sure if it's official, but apparently it's all over the net that sonic said that even though no one can tell for sure... but still XD WE ALL LOVE SONICXAMY :) :)
HERE'S THE LINK:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C97DuK9RW00
ITS A MUST WATCHHH
since i'm such a mush lover i cry almost every time i watch it XD but that's partially because i watched what lead up to it...
Even though in Sonic Adventures Sonic goes out with Sally... Amy will always be the better match for Sonic ;) i mean, first thing he does when he returns to his planet is go to Amy's house. Even though he just turned back from being Super Sonic (which takes a lot out of him), he still decided that the first person he should see was amy. That says something i think even though he always complains that amy is too clingy (i'll admit i hate that aspect of her). Not to mention, he waited there for Amy until sunrise. Just goes to prove that he does care after all ;)
omgggg
anddd
I ALSO FINISHED WATCHING SONIC X!!
78 episodes later i am DONEE ;)
epic ending man. epic ending. Loved every minute of it. Buttt i cried at the end T__T
so sad.
but still...
Sonic is DEFINATELY one of my fav anime/game of all time. ;)
the jap version is 1000000000000000000000000X better than the english version. In the jap version though, when sonic's lips are moving and there's no sound, he's actually saying 'aishiteru amy' which means 'i love you amy' :)
LOL i'm not sure if it's official, but apparently it's all over the net that sonic said that even though no one can tell for sure... but still XD WE ALL LOVE SONICXAMY :) :)
HERE'S THE LINK:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C97DuK9RW00
ITS A MUST WATCHHH
since i'm such a mush lover i cry almost every time i watch it XD but that's partially because i watched what lead up to it...
Even though in Sonic Adventures Sonic goes out with Sally... Amy will always be the better match for Sonic ;) i mean, first thing he does when he returns to his planet is go to Amy's house. Even though he just turned back from being Super Sonic (which takes a lot out of him), he still decided that the first person he should see was amy. That says something i think even though he always complains that amy is too clingy (i'll admit i hate that aspect of her). Not to mention, he waited there for Amy until sunrise. Just goes to prove that he does care after all ;)
omgggg
anddd
I ALSO FINISHED WATCHING SONIC X!!
78 episodes later i am DONEE ;)
epic ending man. epic ending. Loved every minute of it. Buttt i cried at the end T__T
so sad.
but still...
Sonic is DEFINATELY one of my fav anime/game of all time. ;)
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOOOVVEE ITT
OMFGGGGGGGG
I LOVE ITT
TOTAL 'AWE' MOMENTTT
BEST EPISODE EEVVVEEERRR
lol you probably wonder what i'm watching?
okay, i'll tell you...
i'm watching...
...
...
...watching...
...
...
XD Sonic X
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
i know
i'm so immature
watching a kid's show
but
i'm just a total sonicxamy fan
and ep 52 was TOTAL 'AWEE'
KYAAA~~
but but but
even though i'm a total sonicxamy fan...
NEJIXTENTEN WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAV~~~
I LOVE ITT
TOTAL 'AWE' MOMENTTT
BEST EPISODE EEVVVEEERRR
lol you probably wonder what i'm watching?
okay, i'll tell you...
i'm watching...
...
...
...watching...
...
...
XD Sonic X
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
i know
i'm so immature
watching a kid's show
but
i'm just a total sonicxamy fan
and ep 52 was TOTAL 'AWEE'
KYAAA~~
but but but
even though i'm a total sonicxamy fan...
NEJIXTENTEN WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAV~~~
wheww~~
thank god...
lol k, apparently there's like another 20 some eps so its not the ending
THANK ALL THAT IS HOLY.
and pluss
i couldn't help it, so i googled episode summaries and read what happens in the next ep...
LOLOLOLL
andd
i guess the ending is....
...OKAY FOR NOW.
still
what a twist to put on the ending
if they intended to give someone a heart attack...
...then they got that heart attack
i nearly died for a second there
i was like
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *grabs computer and shakes it like crazy*
but anywayz...
ON WITH WATCHING!
lol k, apparently there's like another 20 some eps so its not the ending
THANK ALL THAT IS HOLY.
and pluss
i couldn't help it, so i googled episode summaries and read what happens in the next ep...
LOLOLOLL
andd
i guess the ending is....
...OKAY FOR NOW.
still
what a twist to put on the ending
if they intended to give someone a heart attack...
...then they got that heart attack
i nearly died for a second there
i was like
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *grabs computer and shakes it like crazy*
but anywayz...
ON WITH WATCHING!
OMFFFGGG
OMFGG
WTFFFFFF
WHAT KIND OF ENDING IS THIS?!?!?!?!! (actually i still have one ep left...)
GAAHHH
WHAAATT
HORRIBLEEEEE
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I HATE THIS ENDINGGGGG
NONONONONONONONNOO
FAAUUCCKK
NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WTFFFFFF
WHAT KIND OF ENDING IS THIS?!?!?!?!! (actually i still have one ep left...)
GAAHHH
WHAAATT
HORRIBLEEEEE
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I HATE THIS ENDINGGGGG
NONONONONONONONNOO
FAAUUCCKK
NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Confuzzled.
-sigh-
soo...
he signed on at around 7...
i thought i'd be happy to talk to him...
turns out i didn't even WANT to talk to him...
but...
idk...
its just...
i'm still mad at him i guess..
well
not really mad, more like apathetic. i don't feel anything right now.
argh.
i just.... its just so frustrating.
i don't know HOW i should fucking feel right now.
should i feel happy?
should i feel angry?
like. after all those emails that get freaking shorter and shorter
i'm sorta at the end of my fuse
but the thing is, instead of a bomb at the end of that fuse, there's just a giant nothing.
Its like i don't even know how to feel anymore, not after everything that's happened.
Like seriously
AAAUUGHH
FUUCCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKK
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP*
-sigh-.....
i'm just so confused...
soo...
he signed on at around 7...
i thought i'd be happy to talk to him...
turns out i didn't even WANT to talk to him...
but...
idk...
its just...
i'm still mad at him i guess..
well
not really mad, more like apathetic. i don't feel anything right now.
argh.
i just.... its just so frustrating.
i don't know HOW i should fucking feel right now.
should i feel happy?
should i feel angry?
like. after all those emails that get freaking shorter and shorter
i'm sorta at the end of my fuse
but the thing is, instead of a bomb at the end of that fuse, there's just a giant nothing.
Its like i don't even know how to feel anymore, not after everything that's happened.
Like seriously
AAAUUGHH
FUUCCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKK
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP*
-sigh-.....
i'm just so confused...
That fine line between never giving up and chasing a dream.
so...
a conversation i just had with my friend kinda inspired (LOL i don't think that would be the correct word) me to write this blog. i was gonna write one tonight but i think i will take a long time so i started now.
anyways...
When i was talking to my friend, i felt like such a hypocrite.
i told her not to give up and that she should get up when the going got tough...
yet i'm always complaining about how kelvin acts.
But then again
i've held on for so long.
Where's that fine line that separates having the courage to stand up and simply chasing a dream that was never meant to be?
Is there a time limit on how long you should keep trying until you give up?
if there was a time limit, i think i'm long overdue.
Like,,
the first summer that me and kelvin went through right after we started dating...
omg it was horrible... but then again, at the same time, it wasn't.
(SLam listen to me when i say this and hopefully it'll make sense)
i'll be honest and say that at that time, i didn't love kelvin. i only liked him a lot. or as kelvin put it 'had a really, REALLY big crush on you'.
but like... it was obvious we both dreaded the summer because we couldn't see each other.
So we settled for talking on msn everyday for a minimum of 2 hours.
And... it was nice to hear how much he missed me a shit... but like now that i think about it, it was kinda just words you know? for all i know he could be just saying that and thinking some whole different thing. but i trusted him not to lie to me.
and so it felt like we grew more and more distant... but the feeling was still there.
To me, summer vacation is the worst thing that could happen to a couple (or it could be the best thing if your parents aren't freaking over protective and hate your gf/bf's guts.)
The reason is because in the summer, everyone's got their own different lives to deal with, you know what i mean? in school, you see each other everyday and if something happens, both of you know about it and like can talk about it. Or like you can both talk about how your teacher likes to bullshit or w/e. In school, there's just so much in common to talk about. But outside of school it's all different. Remember how you were before you met him or her. You lived your own life right? things happened and stuff. Same thing when summer rolls around. Like maybe something happened to one of you but the other doesn't know about it.
Its almost like someone telling you a joke, and it was really funny, so you told your friends about it and they didn't get why you thought the joke was so funny.
Something in the communication there got lost no? Or rather, something didn't get through.
I know that's not the best example but like you kinda get what i mean??
Telling about a moment is different that living one.
And so when you're living different lives, things aren't as...smooth as they usually are.
Its kinda like 'oh yea this thing happened and blah blah blah' while the other person is like 'uhh.. okay...'
and then after a while it's like everything's different and crap and it becomes 'oh well, this is awkward...'
But the feeling is still there. Its just the closeness that's gone because you're not really that close anymore.
But its times like these where you have to realize that sure you may not be as close anymore but once you get over this down, there's gonna be an upside.
That's at least my take on things... i don't know if that's the case or no... but oh wells.
okay lol i thought this was gonna be a long blog but i have to cut it short XD my comp is lagging too much cuz i'm downloading a shit load of things at the same time.
maybe i blog later if i have anything else to blog about.
a conversation i just had with my friend kinda inspired (LOL i don't think that would be the correct word) me to write this blog. i was gonna write one tonight but i think i will take a long time so i started now.
anyways...
When i was talking to my friend, i felt like such a hypocrite.
i told her not to give up and that she should get up when the going got tough...
yet i'm always complaining about how kelvin acts.
But then again
i've held on for so long.
Where's that fine line that separates having the courage to stand up and simply chasing a dream that was never meant to be?
Is there a time limit on how long you should keep trying until you give up?
if there was a time limit, i think i'm long overdue.
Like,,
the first summer that me and kelvin went through right after we started dating...
omg it was horrible... but then again, at the same time, it wasn't.
(SLam listen to me when i say this and hopefully it'll make sense)
i'll be honest and say that at that time, i didn't love kelvin. i only liked him a lot. or as kelvin put it 'had a really, REALLY big crush on you'.
but like... it was obvious we both dreaded the summer because we couldn't see each other.
So we settled for talking on msn everyday for a minimum of 2 hours.
And... it was nice to hear how much he missed me a shit... but like now that i think about it, it was kinda just words you know? for all i know he could be just saying that and thinking some whole different thing. but i trusted him not to lie to me.
and so it felt like we grew more and more distant... but the feeling was still there.
To me, summer vacation is the worst thing that could happen to a couple (or it could be the best thing if your parents aren't freaking over protective and hate your gf/bf's guts.)
The reason is because in the summer, everyone's got their own different lives to deal with, you know what i mean? in school, you see each other everyday and if something happens, both of you know about it and like can talk about it. Or like you can both talk about how your teacher likes to bullshit or w/e. In school, there's just so much in common to talk about. But outside of school it's all different. Remember how you were before you met him or her. You lived your own life right? things happened and stuff. Same thing when summer rolls around. Like maybe something happened to one of you but the other doesn't know about it.
Its almost like someone telling you a joke, and it was really funny, so you told your friends about it and they didn't get why you thought the joke was so funny.
Something in the communication there got lost no? Or rather, something didn't get through.
I know that's not the best example but like you kinda get what i mean??
Telling about a moment is different that living one.
And so when you're living different lives, things aren't as...smooth as they usually are.
Its kinda like 'oh yea this thing happened and blah blah blah' while the other person is like 'uhh.. okay...'
and then after a while it's like everything's different and crap and it becomes 'oh well, this is awkward...'
But the feeling is still there. Its just the closeness that's gone because you're not really that close anymore.
But its times like these where you have to realize that sure you may not be as close anymore but once you get over this down, there's gonna be an upside.
That's at least my take on things... i don't know if that's the case or no... but oh wells.
okay lol i thought this was gonna be a long blog but i have to cut it short XD my comp is lagging too much cuz i'm downloading a shit load of things at the same time.
maybe i blog later if i have anything else to blog about.
Up and roarin' to go :)
YAAAYYY~~
i'm currreeeddd XD
no more sniffles.
no more snuffles.
no more sneezing or stuffy noses
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
okayy better start on my next blog because this time it's gonna be LOOOOOOOOOOOONGG
all for you shevon XD
i'm currreeeddd XD
no more sniffles.
no more snuffles.
no more sneezing or stuffy noses
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
okayy better start on my next blog because this time it's gonna be LOOOOOOOOOOOONGG
all for you shevon XD
Sunday, August 2, 2009
sniffles. snuffles.
i'm sick :(
very very very sick :(
sick to the point where i think if i sniffle anymore my nose is gonna explode or something.
i don't think that i'll be blogging much until i get rid of my cold
because
my computer is on the main floor
and
the main floor, is where my stuffy nose gets the worse.
Like, in the basement i can breathe perfectly fine.
Upstairs i can breathe okay, like it doesn't bother me much
but
main floor
UUGGHH
Today i had to go grocery shopping with parents
and
i almost blacked out for a few seconds
i had a horrible headache
and i couldn't even focus.
So yea...
i can't make any quick movements or else i get dizzy and my temperature is going haywire. Like one minute i'll be sweating, and the next i'll be freezing.
so yea...
oh well, i gotta go play games with bro now :)
i blog tmrw if i feel well enough.
very very very sick :(
sick to the point where i think if i sniffle anymore my nose is gonna explode or something.
i don't think that i'll be blogging much until i get rid of my cold
because
my computer is on the main floor
and
the main floor, is where my stuffy nose gets the worse.
Like, in the basement i can breathe perfectly fine.
Upstairs i can breathe okay, like it doesn't bother me much
but
main floor
UUGGHH
Today i had to go grocery shopping with parents
and
i almost blacked out for a few seconds
i had a horrible headache
and i couldn't even focus.
So yea...
i can't make any quick movements or else i get dizzy and my temperature is going haywire. Like one minute i'll be sweating, and the next i'll be freezing.
so yea...
oh well, i gotta go play games with bro now :)
i blog tmrw if i feel well enough.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
The future? give me a crystal ball please.
So...
Today, when i was practicing my flute. i started thinking randomly (my mind does that in the middle of songs LOL it just wanders off...) and i started thinking about the future.
Not like 10 years down the road or anything, more like half a year to a year in the future?
Because, i remember my dad asked me what i wanted to do for my 16th birthday and that i had better tell him now so he could plan and shit for me.
It shocked me to say in the least. Like, my parents had never cared to organize any sort of birthday party for me ever (except for the few times that my mom brought cake to my elementary class on my birthday XD).
So i told him that i wanted to go to the WEM waterpark with my friends and he offered to get the tickets and like rent the place for a birthday party (not like the entire waterpark, just like, you know get a spot to the side where u can have cake and shit). and yea he was like 'yea i can do that for you blah blah i get the tickets now blah blah' and i told him that i'd tell him when i had everything thought out.
but then when i was playing my flute, i wondered if it would be better if i could just have like 2 or 3 friends for my 16th birthday. First people who come to mind would be Kelvin, Chris and Shevon. But then i started thinking again. No doubt that me and Shevon will still be friends by then, Chris will always be my friend no matter what so i don't worry about him either. But what about kelvin? Like... his emails are freaking 2 lines now. Its just that we're drifting farther and farther apart and its almost like i'm the only one trying to hold onto his hand to prevent him from drifting away in the current. I've always been the one who had to go the extra mile to make our relationship work and i'm getting tired of it. What if we're not dating by my 16th birthday?
Even though he can be an asshole at time, i still love him. i want him to be there for that special day. I want him to be there every year, hell, i want him to be there for my 18th birthday (that's impossible because he's moving after high school). But like seriously.
What if we don't make it that far?
I don't know why i'm the only one having these insecurities. Like, i don't even know if kelvin gives a shit or not. He doesn't seem fazed by the fact that we're drifting apart. Hell, i asked him once if it felt like we were and he was like 'nope'. Maybe i'm being too sensitive? He never seems to notice when we start to get more and more distant. I'm starting to wonder if he even cares...
Like, am i even special to him?
I don't want to be the only one putting in an effort to save our relationship.
If i didn't love him so goddamn much, i would have put effort into listening to my friends advice to dump him rather than to keep trying to hold onto a relationship that has a freaking expiration date on it.
He says that he sees me different from other people. He tells me that i AM special to him. but i wonder what 'special' means to him.
Like sometimes its obvious he treats me different. and sometimes it's not even in a good way. Like, i'll see him around his friends and he'll be laughing and smiling, but he doesn't laugh or smile as much when he's with me. Is it my fault? and he'll be having fun with his friends and whatever and he'll talk to them without any restraints. but with me its like he's always holding back or something. if this is his definition of 'special', i wish i wasn't so goddamn 'special'.
All i want sometimes is for him to treat me like he would treat any of this other friends. He won't even open up to me. I'll ask about his life and he'll be like 'meh' and won't tell me much. Hell, if i don't ask he doesn't tell me anything at all.
There was this incident in the year where i got really upset. Apparently his class was supposed to go to the theatre to see a play put on by the drama class and he had to miss band. that would've been fine by me if he freaking told me. That day i was late in the morning so i didn't see him. that was fine. In the band room, he wasn't there during the break from block 1-2. That was fine, i thought maybe he was running late. He didn't show up for band. that wasn't fine. i didn't know where the hell he was so i got worried. Mr. whaley didn't know so the first thing he did was automatically ask ME where Kelvin was. I told him i didn't know. Then EUPHEMIA spoke up and said that he was at the theatre watching this drama thing. That made me really upset. why did SHE know and i NOT know? I'm closer to him as a FRIEND dammit (forget me being his gf for a moment here), he claims that he hates her guts and yet she knows but i don't? what is this, some kinda fucked up joke?
That made me so upset. Even now i don't even think Kelvin understands just how close i was to just getting up and leaving.
Like... (Shevon you'll know exactly how i feel in the next paragraph)
Why should i be the only one to put in the effort to keep this relationship going?
This is a fucking 2 man job dammit. I'm only ONE woman. like seriously.
If you don't put in the effort to keep me around, then i won't stick around.
I've already been more tolerant than 99% of the girls out there and you still fucking complain that i'm high matenence? i'm sorry, but i think you are GRAVELY MISTAKEN.
Don't get me wrong though, i'll admit that in some areas, i'm just as bad(if not worse) than other girls. yes, i'm very emotional. yes, i cry a lot. yes, i cry easily. yes, i say a lot of things i don't mean. and yes, i say a lot of mean things without thinking.
But...just...
make me feel like i'm your actual girlfriend dammit...
I don't give a shit that you don't take me on dates.
I don't care that you don't phone me every night.
I don't care that you don't tell me that you love me that often.
I just want to feel special.
Instead of me telling you 'i love you', why don't you say it first for once?
Instead of me asking you whats going on in your life, why don't you tell me before i tell you whats going on in mine?
Instead of me grabbing your hand, why don't you grab mine? because before you know it, that hand will no longer be yours to grab.
I think that the song 'Fallen' by Sarah McLachlan really suits my mood right now. Its a beautiful song with a even more beautiful melody. The lyrics are absolutely amazing too, and sometimes when i listen to this song, i can't help but just sit and think.
Today, when i was practicing my flute. i started thinking randomly (my mind does that in the middle of songs LOL it just wanders off...) and i started thinking about the future.
Not like 10 years down the road or anything, more like half a year to a year in the future?
Because, i remember my dad asked me what i wanted to do for my 16th birthday and that i had better tell him now so he could plan and shit for me.
It shocked me to say in the least. Like, my parents had never cared to organize any sort of birthday party for me ever (except for the few times that my mom brought cake to my elementary class on my birthday XD).
So i told him that i wanted to go to the WEM waterpark with my friends and he offered to get the tickets and like rent the place for a birthday party (not like the entire waterpark, just like, you know get a spot to the side where u can have cake and shit). and yea he was like 'yea i can do that for you blah blah i get the tickets now blah blah' and i told him that i'd tell him when i had everything thought out.
but then when i was playing my flute, i wondered if it would be better if i could just have like 2 or 3 friends for my 16th birthday. First people who come to mind would be Kelvin, Chris and Shevon. But then i started thinking again. No doubt that me and Shevon will still be friends by then, Chris will always be my friend no matter what so i don't worry about him either. But what about kelvin? Like... his emails are freaking 2 lines now. Its just that we're drifting farther and farther apart and its almost like i'm the only one trying to hold onto his hand to prevent him from drifting away in the current. I've always been the one who had to go the extra mile to make our relationship work and i'm getting tired of it. What if we're not dating by my 16th birthday?
Even though he can be an asshole at time, i still love him. i want him to be there for that special day. I want him to be there every year, hell, i want him to be there for my 18th birthday (that's impossible because he's moving after high school). But like seriously.
What if we don't make it that far?
I don't know why i'm the only one having these insecurities. Like, i don't even know if kelvin gives a shit or not. He doesn't seem fazed by the fact that we're drifting apart. Hell, i asked him once if it felt like we were and he was like 'nope'. Maybe i'm being too sensitive? He never seems to notice when we start to get more and more distant. I'm starting to wonder if he even cares...
Like, am i even special to him?
I don't want to be the only one putting in an effort to save our relationship.
If i didn't love him so goddamn much, i would have put effort into listening to my friends advice to dump him rather than to keep trying to hold onto a relationship that has a freaking expiration date on it.
He says that he sees me different from other people. He tells me that i AM special to him. but i wonder what 'special' means to him.
Like sometimes its obvious he treats me different. and sometimes it's not even in a good way. Like, i'll see him around his friends and he'll be laughing and smiling, but he doesn't laugh or smile as much when he's with me. Is it my fault? and he'll be having fun with his friends and whatever and he'll talk to them without any restraints. but with me its like he's always holding back or something. if this is his definition of 'special', i wish i wasn't so goddamn 'special'.
All i want sometimes is for him to treat me like he would treat any of this other friends. He won't even open up to me. I'll ask about his life and he'll be like 'meh' and won't tell me much. Hell, if i don't ask he doesn't tell me anything at all.
There was this incident in the year where i got really upset. Apparently his class was supposed to go to the theatre to see a play put on by the drama class and he had to miss band. that would've been fine by me if he freaking told me. That day i was late in the morning so i didn't see him. that was fine. In the band room, he wasn't there during the break from block 1-2. That was fine, i thought maybe he was running late. He didn't show up for band. that wasn't fine. i didn't know where the hell he was so i got worried. Mr. whaley didn't know so the first thing he did was automatically ask ME where Kelvin was. I told him i didn't know. Then EUPHEMIA spoke up and said that he was at the theatre watching this drama thing. That made me really upset. why did SHE know and i NOT know? I'm closer to him as a FRIEND dammit (forget me being his gf for a moment here), he claims that he hates her guts and yet she knows but i don't? what is this, some kinda fucked up joke?
That made me so upset. Even now i don't even think Kelvin understands just how close i was to just getting up and leaving.
Like... (Shevon you'll know exactly how i feel in the next paragraph)
Why should i be the only one to put in the effort to keep this relationship going?
This is a fucking 2 man job dammit. I'm only ONE woman. like seriously.
If you don't put in the effort to keep me around, then i won't stick around.
I've already been more tolerant than 99% of the girls out there and you still fucking complain that i'm high matenence? i'm sorry, but i think you are GRAVELY MISTAKEN.
Don't get me wrong though, i'll admit that in some areas, i'm just as bad(if not worse) than other girls. yes, i'm very emotional. yes, i cry a lot. yes, i cry easily. yes, i say a lot of things i don't mean. and yes, i say a lot of mean things without thinking.
But...just...
make me feel like i'm your actual girlfriend dammit...
I don't give a shit that you don't take me on dates.
I don't care that you don't phone me every night.
I don't care that you don't tell me that you love me that often.
I just want to feel special.
Instead of me telling you 'i love you', why don't you say it first for once?
Instead of me asking you whats going on in your life, why don't you tell me before i tell you whats going on in mine?
Instead of me grabbing your hand, why don't you grab mine? because before you know it, that hand will no longer be yours to grab.
I think that the song 'Fallen' by Sarah McLachlan really suits my mood right now. Its a beautiful song with a even more beautiful melody. The lyrics are absolutely amazing too, and sometimes when i listen to this song, i can't help but just sit and think.
Heaven bent to take my hand,
and lead me through the fire.
Be the long awaited answer,
through a long and painful fight.
Truth be told i tried my best,
but somewhere along the way...
i got caught up in all their was to offer...
and the cost was so much more than i could bear...
Though i've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low.
I messed up
Better i should know.
So don't come round here
and tell me i told you so.
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
we believed that we could change ourselves
the past could be undone.
But we carry on our backs the burden
time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal.
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That i've held so dear.
I've fallen,
i have sunk so low
I messed up
Better i should know
So don't come around here,
and tell me i told you so...
Heavent bent to take my hand,
nowhere left to turn.
I'm lost to those i thought were friends
To everyone i know.
Oh they turn their heads embarassed,
pretend that they don't see.
But it's one missed step
one slip before you know it.
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.
Though i've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low.
I messed up
Better i should know.
So don't come round here
and tell me i told you so...
[X2]
To me, the lyrics couldn't be more accurate.
'But it's one missed step, one slip before you know it. And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed'
Yes, that's right. There's only so much that i can take. I can't keep going back to him. Sorry just isn't enough anymore. To me, sorry has just become a word that no longer has meaning. Once you've lost something, it's gone forever. there's no rewinding time and no second chances.
-sigh- sometimes i wonder, has he already resigned to his fate? Since he's moving away in two years, has he already given up any future our relationship might have?
I don't think i will give up. I don't think i will ever give up. Because i believe that if i fight hard enough, i can change that fate. I can change anything i want in this world as long as i don't give up. But... if he's already given up, doesn't that mean that to some extent, he doesn't want our relationship to have a future? i won't pursue something that he doesn't want. because in the end, it will only end up hurting both of us.
I know i'm stupid to hold onto a relationship that's going no where but i can't help it. Right now, i think the only thing that stops me from just walking away is the fact that i love him and that i hope after we graduate, that the 4 years we've been dating will at least mean something to him.
I had this conversation with him once. and i told him what i was hoping. He told me that the 4 years would mean something to him if we made it that far. But honestly, i thought that was a lie. Our relationship is 'just for fun', what makes him think that i'll believe that after 4 years of dating, it'll affect him in any way? Its like you have a toy, but after a while you just get bored and you don't care if you ever see it again.
To be honest, i've tried breaking up with him 3 times already. Each time i failed because i kept coming back to him after he asked me to.
Why did i go back to him? i don't even know.
Like, right now, he's doing the bare minimum to keep me around.
I've had this thought for a while now...
Is it love or lust?
I've noticed that everytime he wants to like makeout or something, he pays more attention to me and treats me the way that i wish he would treat me all the time. But other times, its just like he'll put in as much effort as needed to make sure i don't just dump him.
We had this one argument this one time after jazz band...
i forgot how it even started, but i think that we both had a bad day that day and we were angry at each other... eventually i started crying. He hugged me and kept apologizing because that was the most upset he'd ever seen me ever. i told him how i felt about our relationship, i told him about how it hurt me. and he kept apologizing. i don't remember much about that day (my mind automatically blocks out unplesant memories, i find that it's something i developed to prevent myself from having random emotional breakdowns, although i CAN still remember if i tried to). But the one thing that i did remember was that at one point, he told me he loved me. Speaking truthfully, instead of making me feel better, it hurt me even more. Hell, i wouldn't even let him finish saying it before i cut him off and told him not to say it. I think that at that moment i seemed like such a hypocrite. Cause i'm always complaining about how i want him to say it more, yet at that moment i didn't want to hear it because if heard it, the pieces of my heart would turn to dust. i at least want to be able to have pieces of a heart to put back together rather than small piles of dust.
Lol... sometimes i think that my heart isn't even a heart anymore. there's only so much patching up i can do with glue and duct tape. I bet that if i could see it, it'd be more tape and glue than a heart.
You know...
I think i'll change my wish from today on.
Instead of wishing for forever,
I'm going to wish that he understands me.
Wish that he understands how much i hurt.
Wish that he understands what i want.
Wish that he understands how i feel.
and wish that he will be able to love me as much as i love him.
...
...
but then again, since when did wishes come true?
my last wish took 13 years to happen.
I don't have that kind of time.
Because the day that he put an expiration date on our relationship...
he put an expiration date on my happiness.
Thank you to all that is holy.
YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY~~~
I PASSED! I PASSED~~~~~~~~~
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~
i'm so happy i passed my learners. 100% too!! :D :D :D
well, techinically its not because since there are 30 questions, you only have to get 25 right before they automatically end your test because that's the passing mark. and i got 25 right without getting anything wrong :) YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
*does happy dance* TEEHEEE
I PASSED! I PASSED~~~~~~~~~
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~~~
i'm so happy i passed my learners. 100% too!! :D :D :D
well, techinically its not because since there are 30 questions, you only have to get 25 right before they automatically end your test because that's the passing mark. and i got 25 right without getting anything wrong :) YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
*does happy dance* TEEHEEE
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