I am old, but i am young. What am i?

I've actually been pondering this quesiton for quite a while now...
its strange because it keeps going it loops.
I believe that i am still considered immature, however, can i not also be considered mature for admitting that i am still immature? (LOLL did that make sense?)
its like, i'm mature for admitting that i'm immature. Or am i immature for thinking i'm mature?
But then again, it could be both. It could be that i'm still immature, but i'm mature enough to the point where i know that i am still immature in this world.
Then that makes me think. Even some adults are immature in this world. And there are some children who are more mature than they should be.
I was told by my therapist, my boy friend, and even my own mother that when i'm not being childish, i am way too mature for my own age.
When i heard it, it kinda made me laugh bitterly inside.
Whose fault was it that i became like this?
I grew up in a household where hostility hung in the air constantly. I grew up as a tool that was used to make the other parent suffer.
Looking back on my childhood, it made me think. Why did my parents constantly argue in front of me? As a parent i believe that you should love your child with all your heart. When you love someone, you wouldn't want to put them in pain. Yet my parents fought in front of my eyes almost all the time...and it hurt. It honestly hurt a lot.
It kinda makes me laugh at how blissfully ignorant i was back then. Every night i would stand up on my bed and look out the window and make a wish on the very first star i saw. I think subconsciously, i still do wish every night when i lay there waiting for sleep to come.

Star light, Star bright.

First star i see tonight.

I wish i may; I wish i might,

Have the wish i wish tonight?

Everynight i would wish for the same thing. And goddamit, it took freaking 13 years for my wish to come true. It took 13 fucking years for me to have a normal family, and now that family is breaking apart again.

I remember my dad used to take me out to visit his uncle or something and in the car he would talk to me about his life and his problems. It makes me laugh now that i think about it. My dad talking to a 7 year old kid about his problems? lol much? he used to always say 'but i'm glad that you're still young, because it doesn't make sense to you right now. I know it hurts you to see us fighting but i can't explain it to you at this age. You'll understand when you get older'.

Understand when i get older?

don't underestimate me. I'm smarter than you think. i understand perfectly well what's happening. Its not like he's the only one who releases steam on me. My mom does it too. She tells me all the horrible stuff my dad has done to her and what my grandma (on my dad's side) does to manipulate her and shit. And honestly, i would always have 3 thoughts going through my head during those times.

1) manipulate you? i'm sorry, but could you stop hallucinating? you only THINK they were trying to do that because things did not go they way YOU wanted it to. Therefore you blame others for your misfortunes. I know because i've seen you do it so many times in the 15 years i've been alive.

2) It's not fair that you have to suffer so much. I know how you grew up. You never had a home and you would always move around so friends came and went. Not to mention you were the second oldest in the family and a lot of the household responsibilites fell on your shoulders. If anything, i think that you deserve so much more in life, and i'm sorry that i'm such a horrible daughter.

3) Despite everything though. this is my fucking life. If something bad happened to you, DON'T DRAG ME INTO IT. i'm just a fucking kid dammit. Don't try to make me hate my relatives just because you want to cause them pain. I'm not a tool. i'm your fucking daughter. Let me love my relatives the way they love me.

My mom usually yells at me everyday because she says i never do anything around the house. She always asks me why should she have to suffer and clean and cook everyday while everyone else never helps.

I'll admit that i should be helping around the house more. I'll admit that we should be more grateful to have her around. I'll admit that we take her for granted. and I'll admit, that she's gotta be one of the strongest woman alive to have been able to hold on for so goddamn long.

But sometimes it makes me so mad.

Even though i don't do as much as my mom does, i still help out. I go grocery shopping with her every time because her body is too weak to carry lots of heavy stuff. I help fold the laundry and occasionally even wash the clothes. I vaccum when she asks me to and i wash dishes when she tells me to. I do most things she asks me to and yet i still get yelled at because 'i don't do anything for the house'.

like HELL i don't do anything for the house. what about my brother? all he ever does is go to work and then go hang out somewhere with his friends. He freaking goes out and wastes money on shit. Honestly, who needs jeans that cost like $200? who needs a sweater that costs $100? and then when i tell HIM to go with my mom grocery shopping, he bitches like it's the end of the world. he won't even fold his own fucking clothes!! who does it? I HAVE TO.

WHY.THE.FUCK.SHOULD.I.HAVE.TO.FOLD.HIS.FUCKING.CLOTHES?

HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER TO GO PICK OUT HIS CLOTHES.

he buys what he wants on his own time. and when my mom goes out to buy him clothes, i usually end up picking most of it because my bro hates my mom's fashion sense.

like seriously. fml.

But still...

i love my mom very much. I don't know what i'd do without her. I know i'm not the best daughter in the world, but i can't imagine what life would be like without her. Even thinking about it makes me tear up. She's not the best mom in the world, but i admire her. Though she has experienced pain and suffering that no one should have to go through, she still manages to smile and laugh everyday. And even though she complains that we never help out around the house and threatens to just up and leave one day, she always sticks around and makes sure that we have food to eat and clean clothes to wear.

I really should be a more grateful daughter.

I guess that's one thing i can work towards.

I really admire my dad too. He's the one who taught me that you shouldn't hold on to every single bad thing that has happened to you. Now, when i look at my dad, i can truly see that he lives with a constant pain. He knows how much fighting with my mom has hurt me and my brother and he truly feels terrible for it. i guess thats why he always tries to be a big part of our lives? I think he feels like he's the reason that we live the life we do.

And yet, he's always there too.

I won't deny. Even though i know my mom exaggerates about how much my dad has hurt her in the past, she has rubbed off on me. I treat my dad like dirt without realizing it. He comes home and says hi to me and all i do is grunt and ignore him. (but i'm proud to say i'm trying to fix that. i at least make an effort to say hi back now)

My dad constantly takes the blame for everything that goes wrong in the household because he feels like if he shoulders the burden, then things will pass much easier. In a sense it does. But i get mad when i think about it. he takes the blame for something even when he had nothing to do with it. I get so upset because i think: why aren't you standing up for yourself? why are you letting people blame you for something you didn't do?

My dad gives really good advice. His looks are deceiving. He looks so carefree but when you REALLY look at him, you can tell everything is starting to take it's toll on him.

I think my dad knew that i wanted to ask him those questions cause sometimes out of the blue he'd say: 'it doesn't matter whose fault it is. and it doesn't matter who you blame. Don't remember every little thing that has ever gone wrong in your life. Just forgive and forget. If you hold onto the bad memories, your life will be miserable no matter what you do. but if you let it go, you will find that life will be much happier. Regardless, whatever i do is always considered wrong by your mom in some way. You do, you damn; you don't, you damn. So what can i do? Just forgive and forget. Despite what it seems, i still love her very much.'

I always stay quiet after he says something like that. i think he misunderstands my silence and thinks i don't understand. but it's quite the opposite. i understand, and i just don't know what to say back. How can i apologize? no amount of apology could make up for all the years of silent pain he went through as we were growing up. Now that i think about it, my dad is a very strong man.

I guess he and my mom kinda do match. He's a strong man, and she's a strong woman.

It kinda terrifies me though.

I don't want to become like either my mom OR my dad.

They have their good points but i don't want to be like either of them. i want to be ME.

Thinking about my relationship with kelvin, it scares me to think that we could have the potential to be like my parents. (or his parents... >.<)

Like even now, me and kelvin have very explosive arguments where both of us end up saying things we don't really mean. But we always make up in the end. What if we stop making up? what if it's just argument after argument after argument? If by that time we're still together (assuming i don't just get up and leave) what will happen? i swore to myself when i was little that i would never make my children go through what i did in my childhood. But what if they do? it would be my fault.

I guess, even though the thought kinda terrifies me, i wish that we would become like HIS parents.

Sure, they argue sometimes too, but you can plainly see the love there is. or rather, the companionship. They're not completely dependant on each other. They each live separate lives, but when it boils down to it, they're the support that keeps each other going. (well, at least that's what my take on their relationship is anyways from what i've seen.)

-sigh- what a depressing blog. i guess the stress from the last few days are getting to me. Everything was going fine and then my parents kinda got into a silent disagreement about how to build the deck (such a stupid reason) and they haven't talked to each other since. I guess it kinda reminded me of my childhood and all the bitter feelings resurfaced. But, now that it's all out of my system, i can bottle up those feelings and shove them into the dark recesses of my mind once again :)

but i guess the overall thing that still remains a fact and will always be a fact is...

despite everything that has happened to us, i love my family more than anything in the world... (excluding poi poi XD i love him just as much)

Moral of the story?

You can say how much you hate your family all you want, but when you actually get to the bottom of all those feelings, you realize that there will always be a part of your heart that loves them with every fiber of your body.

LOLOLOL FAIIILL

LMAO LMAO LMAO
I FAILED THE LEARNERS TEST LOLOLOLLL
XD
its okay, it was only my first time taking it XP
my bro failed 2 times now rofl rofl
when we got home, my dad was like 'so how'd it go?'
i laughed and told him my bro failed.
he started laughing so hard lmaoooo
he was like 'you'd better not fail tmrw or else you'll break the family record!'
i was like 'family record? what family record LOL'
lololololol i think i'm hysterical lmao
i can't help it. i swear to god its so funny.
i don't know why failing the learners test is funny to me.
LOL i think its cuz i only fail the stuff that i can take infinitely XD
i take test tmrw too~~ hopefully i pass XD
ROFL I LAUGH IF MY BRO FAILS AGAIN LOLOLOLL

Reality Check.

I don't get it (i think i start a lot of my blogs stating that i don't understand something LOL)
Like...
just listening to people talk and how they think and shit.
I seriously don't understand whats up with people and being so fake.
Why would you even WANT to be fake?
If it were me, i would want someone to become friends with me because they like who i truly am, not because they like who i pretend to be. If you pretend to be someone, you'll never have any best friends at all, because by putting up a facade, you put everybody at arms length.
Wouldn't you rather have a small group of close friends rather than a large group of friends who you can't go to if you're crying?
I want people to like me for who i am. So i don't understand why everybody is so freaking concerned about how many friends they have.
Everyone's always like 'ohh i'm such a loner... i don't have that many friends' and blah blah blah.
WHAT AM I? CHOPPED LIVER?
I'M your fucking friend GODDAMIT, i count for something.
I don't care if you were the world's ugliest person. i don't give a shit how you look, all i care about is who you are. If you're a nice person and have a good personality that i can get along with, then yea, i want to become your friend. but if you're pretty on the outside but like ugly as hell on the inside, then fuck off. I don't need someone who tries to be beautiful on the outside only to hide how ugly they truly are on the inside.
I'll be honest, before, i never thought this way.
In junior high, i was so concerned about having friends and being socially accepted that i always pretended to be someone who i wasn't. To be honest, it hurt doing that every day. Then i started dating Kelvin and almost everything changed. Yes, he was in AC and yes, he was considered a fucking nerd. Needless to say any social life i had before that went right down the drain after i started dating him. and you know what? at first i was so upset and i cried about it every night. then i realized: i don't fucking care.
I love him. He loves me. Most of my friends then didn't love me the way he loved me. Most of them didn't treat me the same he treated me. Not because i was his girl friend, but because he liked me for who i truly was. He didn't judge me, and when i let down my barriers and allowed him to see who i truly was, he didn't leave me. he didn't say 'oh, you're different than what i thought, i guess i don't like you anymore'. No, he didn't say any of that, instead, he loved me even more for it because he knew that i needed someone to stand by my side, and he wanted to fill that role.
Its true, we all need people in our lives to survive. We all need relationships. I'm not saying that as long as you have one person who'll be there that you don't need anyone else. I'm just saying consider who those people are. Who are the people you can truly count on for being there when you need them the most. Who are the people who you can trust with your life and know that they'll never let you down.
Those are the people you should stick with and hold close to you.
Sure, its nice to have other friends, i'm not saying you shouldn't. but it shouldn't bother you if you don't.
I'm perfectly content with the amount of friends i have now. I know lots of them love me for who i am. And if some of them are fakers then i guess that maybe i had a lapse in judgement. I don't really care.
And, just to be frank.
If everyone in the world was a faker...
i'd rather stand alone.
So here's a shout out to everyone.
If you're willing to stop faking and be who you truly are...
i think you would be much happier.
To be honest, i think the world would be a better place.

Number Nightmare

omfg.
i just got back from work...
and like shit man.
my neck, is like forever cramped from looking down for like 4 hours straight
my back is stiff and slouched.
and i'm so tired of looking at numbers.
numbers, numbers, numbers for 4 freaking hours. omfg.
but
i feel strangely happy
because i can say i helped a child learn today (make that several children).
OMG, but near the end
i got so pissed off at this one kid - he wasn't there, i just got pissed off marking his work.
like honestly
EVERYTHING WAS FAUCKING WRONG.
he always got the first question right, then he'd just go up by one like 13, 14, 15, 16...
and he honestly didn't give a shit. i hate kids who write random numbers. Its like, i take the time to mark your work, why don't you take the time to do it freaking correctly? wait... it was a girl, change all that to 'she'.
and the work was like, easy as hell.
its was like 1+4 and like 6+7
HOW HARD CAN IT BE?!?!
i had to mark 2 weeks worth of her work.
halfway through, my pen ran out of ink. and i swear to god, MY PEN HAD ENOUGH INK TO LAST 2 DAYS.
i think that says something.
blargh...
but i guess, i like my job... its very sulf fulfilling and i'm always so proud of all the students. and plus i'm always sitting in a cushiony chair so that is a bonus XD
hmmm
i should really think of pursuing a teaching career when i grow up...

Even though you're not here, i can take solace in the fact that we're under the same night sky.

I really miss him...
i would've thought that by now i would've gotten used to not seeing him.
pft. i guess not.
I don't even know if he's left for his vacation yet. last email i got from him on saturday said that he was leaving 'next week'. Is this considered next week? is he in toronto already? damn bastard didn't even say goodbye. fuck him.
... okay, i take that back. it was harsh and rude. and i certainly did not mean it. Argh, i'm just so... i just really miss him. :(
Even though i'm at home, it doesn't feel like i'm truly there. I kinda wish he was here to hug me... i miss him a lot actually. I've found that he's in almost every single one of my dreams lately. Its quite funny really, since my dreams are always so messed up. i do believe that there was this one dream i had where we all lived in mushroom houses and since his house got squashed, he had to live in my house. Cept my the staircase in my house was all wobbly and everytime you took a step on it, the entire house would shake because of the weight (mushrooms aren't stable). lol. After i told him about my dream, he told me to lay off the shrooms for a while >.>
Its funny really. I have pictures of him stuck on my computer so i see him everyday when i wake up. i should scan this one picture... its my absolute favourite. It was taken while we were on the bus in vancouver. I think it's my favourite because its one of those times where his facade is completely dissolved and you can truly see how happy he is. He never did like being in pictures so in most pics he usually looks like he's grimacing or like he's forcing a smile... i guess that's what makes this picture so special? because it reminds me of how he usually looks at me. But then again, maybe he looks like that in the picture because he's hugging me from behind...

-sigh- i would kill for a hug right now. i think during the year i'd gotten so used to hugging him every day in the morning and hugging him every day after school. My brain is going crazy right now because i haven't smelled his scent for like... a freaking month. Its weird how in my dreams i can remember how he smells so vividly. LOL. i must be going insane.

But i worry about him... if he's in toronto, is he taking care of himself? are his ankles acting up again? if they are did he bring his ankle brace? i distinctly remember telling him to bring it. He knows i get really mad when he doesn't. He's always in so much pain when his ankle shifts. He can't even walk without a limp if his ankle acts up. i sound like a freaking house wife. omg. but i can't help it. i'm a freaking worry wart. i guess maybe because i love him too much for my own good?
i know he's a 'big boy' and he can 'take care of himself' but goddammit, how many times have i saved him from being freaking road kill? he freaking DIES when he gets sick. what if he got a fever? augh!! how many times has he gone outside in freaking cold weather without a jacket when i'm not there to tell him to wear one? he probably wouldn't even notice if he got stabbed...
hmm
i think my worrying is valid.
no?
-sigh-... i miss you poi poi... :'(
Anyways, i'm taking my learners tomorrow. I hope i pass, because if i don't, my mom won't pay for the next time i take the test XD. plus, if i DO pass, i still gotta pay like $60 for the ID and i don't got that kinda money.

OMGGG MONEY.
ITS THE END OF THE MONTH. I GET PAID NEXT WEEK!
SO. FAUCKING. HAPPY.
MONEY MONEY MONEY!!
i worked a lot this month too so i should get a relatively big check! not to mention i saw next month's work schedual and i work every freaking day that the place is open. So my check should be a big one. and i'll have enough money to buy my bus pass.

oohh i got my package from school a few days ago with the newsletter and the pink sheet listing all the fees and shit. when do we get our time table though? how do we know what class to go to on the first day? is there a list somewhere? do we get it when we go take our ID pics?? i'm confusedd. Somebody please tell me >.< my brother makes no sense at all.

-SIGH- nothing else to talk about i guess... what a short blog.
blargh.
whatever...
...
...
...
...i wanna hug...
...
...
...
...come home soon poi poi...

Do you remember?

It's strange.
Today is one of those days where the sky is the bluest you've ever seen. There's a nice breeze blowing and it just feels great to stand outside and stretch your arms to the sky. It's days like this where i want to just embrace the world. But at the same time it gives me a weird nostalgic feeling. Sometimes, when i look at the sky, it feels like dejavu. Its not really the sight that makes it feel like dejavu. I'd say it's more of the feeling. When i look at the sky and feel the breeze, i imagine being free.
I imagine flying and i imagine the exhilerating feeling of happiness that you get from freedom.
And that feeling seems so familiar to me.
Sometimes it's the same when i'm listening to a song.
Sometimes it's just a song and it doesn't remind me of anything.
Other times it reminds me of when i was a little girl in my Dad's car. Just all the sights flowing by. As much as i love the big open fields and the beautiful, natural nature setting. I'm also kind of a city girl. I love the big buildings, and how the light reflects off of all those glass windows. The bustle of the street is strangely calming to me. I loved it the most when my dad used to drive me and my brother to my aunt's house (not blood relative, more like family friend). She lived on the southside so it'd usually be an hour drive. Summer was always my favourite time to go. Because then we would open the windows and the air would blow into the car. The rush of air to me was sort of like a rush of emotion.
I think this is why one of my greatest wishes is to be able to fly. I can't describe that rush of emotion i get; like i said before, it's sort of nostalgic even though i can't even remember what it reminds me of.
Sometimes i think nature makes the best music. The rustling of the leaves in a tree makes me want to close my eyes and just melt into the background. I love nature (but i hate bugs XD).
I hope that when i die, i will be able to become part of nature. If i could have that one wish, i think i would be able to pass on happily.

Irony is a bitch.

I just realized:
Almost all the most memorable things that he has said to me that i keep locked away in my heart, he doesn't even remember saying them.
...
somehow i think that made me die a little on the inside.
i think that thinking is bad for my emotional well-being.

He's my bf. No really, he's my Best Friend AND my Boy Friend.

I don't know.
This came to me after i re-read my last blog and i kinda tossed the idea around while i was exercising.
To someone who doesn't know me too well, from reading my previous blog, they would have assumed that the feelings i have towards him are more of that of a best friend.
Could it be?
I won't deny. I admit that he is my best friend. He is my closest friend. Yet, he is also my boy friend.
I realize now that i kinda lied in the last blog. Its not true that i don't feel any kinda of outstanding emotion. I do feel happiness. And if i really think about it, i do feel happy knowing that he loves me. But the thing is, it's a dulled happiness. its kinda like: been there, done that. It's a fact. Don't get me wrong. i AM genuinely happy he loves me. i think it's just, either a) after knowing that for the past 2 years it's starting to dull down a bit or b) i still dont quite believe it.
I'd say it's a combo of both. I mean, if YOU were a girl and had low self esteem and felt like you had to put up a facade so that people would like you, wouldn't you find it disbelieving that another human being (a guy no less) loved you for who you were?
actually, now that i put it that way, it does kinda seem unbelieveable....
Something my female best friend told me really made me think. She told me that her piano teacher thought of her husband as a best friend too.
That made me wonder: is it so bad that my feelings for him might be more of those of a best friend?
like, if you think about it, wouldn't you rather marry someone you feel like is your best friend rather than marry someone you love but you can't really be at ease with them like you can with a best friend?
But then again, i still think my feelings for him go beyond that of a best friend.
If he died, i would probably die too.
That isn't a complete lie. nor am i exagerating (sp?) either.
I admit, i would be too cowardly to just straight forward suicide. I am human, i fear pain, what do you expect? but then again, if he died, it would be like my soul died. I would be an empty shell and i don't doubt that i would eventually waste away. I would be alive physically, but at the same time i would be dead. So either way, in the end, i do end up dead.
But then i worry, maybe his feelings have changed over the past year?
the quote i put in my last blog was something that he told me a year ago, before we entered high school.
When we entered high school, everything changed. I don't know. I think it was that summer transition that put a gap between us. He went to toronto to visit and when he came back he changed. I could tell from the emails that he was different. He began talking about how he loved it there and how he was going there for university after he graduated and how he already had a house and was going to live there.
Needless to say, it broke my heart. I don't know if he knows it. i've tried explaining to him, but he doesn't seem to understand.
He doesn't understand that it kills me to just listen to him talk about leaving me so casually without really giving it a second thought. It made me feel like i meant nothing to him and that i'm just some chick he keeps around for benefits.
And so i asked him what our relationship was a few months ago. When i explained how upset i was that he was leaving, he told me something that i can't seem to forget even to this day.
I asked him if our relationship meant and i asked him if he thought that it was for fun.
He responded with:
"Well yeah, what else would it be?"
That broke my heart.
and it was all downhill from there.
We eventually got mad at each other and started arguing. He told me that he didn't want to waste his life doing nothing and that he wanted to make something of himself.
Now when i think back on it, i admit i did not approach the topic like i should have.
It is only now, 3 months after our 2 year anniversary that i realize this: i was upset because he was leaving me. He put a time limit on our relationship and after that time limit expired, he would throw me away casually like i meant nothing to him. He claimed that he wouldn't do that but i was bitter. Even now, i have a hard time admitting this one fact: all i wanted was for him to take me with him. I don't want to be alone.
Lately though, things have gotten better. We don't fight as much and its almost like when we first started dating again.
I am still resentful at him though. i wish i wasn't. i hate myself for being mad at him. i resent the fact that he is going to leave me. I even asked him to take me with him. he never did give me an answer to that question.
Sometimes i wonder how i've held on for so long. Everyone tells me to dump him. How can i do that? I love him and he's my best friend. i don't want to lose that friendship, nor do i want to lose his love. (that is IF he even loves me)
In the 2 years and 3 months that we've been dating, never once has he taken me out on a date. We never see each other in the summer unless its a friend gathering and even still, he rarely attends any get togethers that i plan. He doesn't sign on msn to talk to me because he says it's too hot in his room for him to actually sit there long enough for even a 10 min convo on msn. This year i made him promise to send me an email every week. The first week, he made an effort to send me a long email. but then it started to dwindle down to nothing. Now his emails are merely 5 sentences or less.
I don't know. am i wrong to be upset?
And i being stupid by holding onto something that obviously is not working out?
am i wrong for loving him?
I can't understand. I don't understand.
...I wish i understood...

First Blog

Hum...
i guess i decided to start a blog because lately there's been so much on my mind to the point where i've been having trouble sleeping at night.
Mostof the things on my mind aren't very important though. i find that i'm usually more bothered by the small details rather than the large, more significant things.
Surprisingly, for my first blog, i want to get the biggest thing off my chest first.
I've realised that i've been bouncing this question around in my head for the past year and a half and still i have no answer.
What is love?
yes, laugh all you want. i don't really give a shit what you think.
But seriously. How do you know you're in love? what does it feel like?
i know that it sounds ridiculous coming from me, especially since i always claim to love my bf more than anything in the world. But it's strange.
I've asked my bf what love was before (well, maybe i didn't exactly phrase it that way but it's close enough), and he told me this:
'I don't know what it is. But i DO know that whenever i see you, i get this really warm feeling and it spreads to every part of my body. When i see you, it's like there's only you and me and nothing else. When i see you sad, it breaks my heart and i quite literally feel a sharp pain in my chest. The very thought of you being hurt is enough to cause me pain.'
And that made me wonder (panic would be a more accurate word).
I want to be able to say that i love him. I truly believe that i do.
But... i don't get that feeling that he describes. When i see him, there's no outstanding emotion.
There's no intense joy whatsoever. I don't know. In that moment i guess i'm too distracted. I'm too caught up in the moment. Now that i think back on it, when i remember him finally arriving or something, i can't remember anything other than him. It's like my whole being was focused on him simply coming through the door. Yet there was no outstanding emotion. But still it was like my whole world stopped just for him.
I don't feel a constant warmth in my chest. I don't get a feeling of joy from the simple fact of remembering he loves me.
But still, i think i am able to say i do love him.
When i see him in pain, i do feel a deep pain in my heart and i want to cry for him. I can't even think about him in pain without tearing up. I can't even imagine what my life would be like if he wasn't there to show me support and give me the courage to face every day head on. He makes me happy and when i see him i wonder how i was lucky enough to have found him. Seeing him smile for me and only me gives me a feeling of happiness that rivals no other feeling. Even though it's a cliche, i think i must say it because the words ring so true: he completes me. When he hugs me it feels like i'm in the one place where the world can't touch me; it feels like i'm safe; it feels like home.
I want him in my life. I need him in my life.
But what if it's not love? i realized that before i met him i was actually very lonely. I had lots of friends but still, i was so empty and sad. It was about sometime then that i became depressed (and it took me about 6 months after i started dating him that he convinced me to go to see a therapist >.>). But then he came into my life. I was so happy. To think that someone loved me for who i really was. He broke down my defenses and he was the first person to truly get a glimpse at who i really am. He knew how much i was hurting and he was the first person to offer their support and love. He let me know that i shouldn't be afraid of who i really am.
What if i only think i love him when really he's just my one lifeline to sanity? Is our relationship based off of love or is it just a habit? Do i really love him or am i just keeping him around because i can't bear the thought of being alone?
I don't know. I don't know the answers to any of these questions. All i know is that i want to believe that i love him.
But life has proved time and time again that it doesn't care what i want.
So i can only hope.
Hope that i'm worrying for no reason.
Hope that he loves me as much as i think he does.
Hope that i love him as much as i think i do.
Hope that we'll make it to forever.