-sigh-
i think today was the first time in a long time that i've actually been upset at him.
Well, long time being about the entire month up until today.
Like... i told him before. I told him that if he has to ditch me, then fine, at least give me a day's worth notice.
Today, he decided to tell me in the morning: 'oh btw, i can't spend lunch with you'
You can't spend lunch with me 3 days of the week and now you're cutting the time down even more?
Jeez.
And he's ditching me on friday to practice his solo again too.
It's not that i don't understand... like i know kelvin has to work on things to make them perfect, but like... it still irks me.
Actually, i'm kinda relieved that it still makes me upset because if i wasn't upset, that would mean that i stopped caring.
I don't want to stop caring.
But
on the bright side
he actually seemed visibly upset and sorry for not telling me ahead of time.
Usually he's just like 'oh yeah, sorry' and then pretends nothing happened.
I fucking HATE it when he does that.
-sigh-
i dunno. am i expecting too much?
i just want to spend time with him. and it doesn't help that he can't spend any time with me outside of school. Like honestly, what kind of relationship is this?
To be honest, everytime i tell someone that i'm dating, they're always like 'oh! so you guys must go on dates a lot since you're still together!' and each time, i always reply 'no, not really. he hasn't taken me out on one single date'
I'm not surprised at the number of shocked reactions that i get.
Amusingly enough, even though in their head they picture a nice guy, after i tell them that he's never taken me on a date, they all suddenly hate him LOL.
well, not really hate him. iunno, they tell me to leave him. does that count as hate?
But... i guess his 'kind poi poi' phase is still going. He seems to care more i guess...
more than i remember? or maybe it was because over the summer i kinda forgot how things felt like and now it seems like such a big change from nothing.
I'm actually kind of surprised...
he laughs more around me now. And frankly, he's taken a liking to playing pranks on me.
English class is hell. He sits behind me and you know what he does all class? he tries to make me scream by poking me. Brin sits in front of me and she's given me weird looks more often than naught because of him.
humm...
i don't know whether to be upset or apathetic about this.
Like, it's not like he hasn't ditched me before, but at the same time, i'm angry that he doesn't seem to mind that we don't spend as much time together.
Like really. He's freaking in high school, let the kid live his own life man. 99% of the kids i know don't even have to ask their parents if they can go somewhere anymore. they just say 'oh hey mom, i'm going to this place blah blah and i'll be back at blah blah, okay bi!'
that works doesn't it?
jeezus christ.
Even i can do that now, and like considering my parents that's a pretty impressive feat.
i really hate it when i reflect upon my relationship. Because it depresses me.
It's depressing how disfunctional it is.
So here i am, dating a guy for 2 and a half years and yet he's never taken me out on a single date. other people on the other hand, go on lots of dates yet hardly any last more than 1 year.
Messed up no?
It's just...
augh i don't know how to explain it.
Like... i'm so confused.
one minute i'm happy, the next i'm mad. It's driving me insane.
and then, there are those times (omfg this drives me crazy every time) where i WANT to be mad at him, and i can't help but be happy.
Sometimes, i wish he didn't know me so well. Maybe then i could stay mad at him instead of him making me laugh.
-sigh-... why DO i love him anyways?
idunno...
like
two days ago, my teacher said something that actually made me kinda scared.
he told us that love was all in our heads. we THINK we love someone because we are attatched to them. when we are physically attatched to someone, we claim to love them even though we don't really. For example, you could kiss someone and think that you love them, but you don't. You just don't want to be alone. No one wants to be alone. Same thing with best friends. Are they really your best friend? what is a best friend? You only call that person your best friend because you hang out with them a lot and you talk a lot. But fact to the matter is, it's probably only because there's no one else to hang out with.
That seemed to strike a chord in me.
Do i love him? or am i just afraid of being alone?
I know i have a phobia of being alone. I've known this since elementary. (don't ask why i did a psycho analysis of myself in elementary. i was just REALLY REALLY depressed)
Do i love kelvin? or am i clinging to him?
Like... i've said this in my old blogs but... what the hell is love supposed to feel like anyways?
because truthfully... i don't know what it is.
i feel nothing towards my family.
Like... even though if i think of them dying, i will cry but when i cry... i feel nothing. i feel empty.
It's like my brain does what the normal reaction would be yet i don't feel the same way.
But... at the same time, i know that i wouldn't want my family to die.
It's strange... i always feel so empty.
Even when i'm laughing and smiling... i feel... kinda empty.
The only emotion that i think i've ever felt strongly is probably hate and anger.
I don't know...
i'm a different person around ppl than i am when i'm alone.
Around people i put up a facade... maybe that's why i don't feel anything.
Sometimes i'm laughing on the outside and yet inside i feel so alone.
You know that feeling when you're all alone in the dark?
not the pleasant feeling mind you, the bad feeling.
It's kinda like that.
except it feels like i've been swallowed into a void and everything is dead.
i... don't feel anything.
is that an issue?
Like... i guess it's the same thing with kelvin.
Just imagining him die or leave me... i cry just by even thinking about it. Yet... even though tears are falling, i don't feel anything. Sadness maybe, but is that sadness from losing someone i love? or is it sadness for being all alone again?
Human beings are selfish people. In the end, all we care about is ourselves. We are only kind to other people because we need company to survive. We aren't kind to them because we want to be. We are kind to them because we don't want to be alone or because we want to seem kind to others.
I'm different than what i act like. i'm not a kind person at all.
Truth be told, i'm mean. I criticize others because i can't stand someone being better. I like company only because i fear being singled out and picked on. I prefer to sit alone in the dark rather than go outside and live my life.
I like solitude when i'm away from others.
When there's no one around me. i like being alone.
because when i'm alone, i can be me. and no one will hate me for me.
They say our desires reflect the kind of person we are.
What are my desires?
it quite simply really. Simple, yet impossible.
I wish i had wings.
I wish that i could fly away from it all when i want to.
I wish that i could fly and go see the beautiful sceneries of the world.
I desire freedom.
a life with nothing and no one to tie me down.
a life of solitude where there is only me and nature.
Where man has not messed up the balance of the world.
hmmm...
this has nothing to do with the current topic but i feel like writing a bit about it.
Maybe because at this point i don't really care what anyone thinks anymore.
i've told my mom and dad that they are bad parents before.
I was really upset that day and that was the day where we decided that i needed to go see a psychiatrist/counselor whatever you want to call it.
Do you know why i said that to them?
not because i was angry and i said that just to hurt them.
But because up until then, i actually truly did feel that way.
I hated my parents for making my life miserable.
If you look in my diary, you can see that i've actually written multiple entires that go on for a few pages about how much i hate them.
I hateed how they always argued. I hated it even more that they would always argue in front of me. they didn't even bother to hide it. and quite honestly, it felt like they were arguing in front of me purposely just to try to win me over to their side, because each time, my mom would always go on and on about how bad my dad treated her and how hard she has to work for the family and blah blah blah.
Like really?
I couldn't say anything then. But now is different.
Back then, all i could do was cry.
Now i don't cry anymore.
instead, i tell them to shut up.
parents are supposed to raise their children to be good people.
parents are supposed to love their children.
If trying to use your child as a tool is your way of showing love. then i don't fucking want it.
maybe that's why i feel so empty?
Like...
even now
the nicer part of me is saying that even though they did all that stuff, they still love me, they care for me and want the best for me. yet the selfish part of me still hates them for what they did.
You know what?
i actually kind of find this amusing now that i think about it.
When i was little, i knew my parents weren't fighting because of me, yet everytime i would always run up into my room after and then just scream into my pillow. I kept apologizing to God over and over saying that it's all my fault. Now THAT is amusing to me right now.
I guess it's amusing because i prayed to God of all people.
Like really, to me, i don't think there is a god.
if there was a god, then he sure ain't all that merciful.
now that i think about it...
i...actually kind of hate myself.
I hate the kind of person i am.
hm.
interesting.
i guess i should stop this blog here today.
i guess i have a lot to think about tonight.
Did you learn something new about me?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Differences of Forever.
So...
yesterday i went with some university friends to watch '9'
It was a crap movie. Well, not really crap. But like, it was mainly explosions and crap.
the plot sucked ass and honestly, the movie reminded me of a rip off of 'Matrix' and 'Digimon The Movie'
Because a) in digimon the movie, Cocomon can only say 'Go back to the beginning'
and in '9' number '6' only says 'Find the source'
b) 'the source' reminds me of the Matrix with the old dude and everything and the source of the matrix.
NUMBER 7 IS COOLL :D
7 IS KICKASS. the only good fighter there is. AND 7 IS A GIRL. :)
Yeah... usually i would enjoy a movie like this because there was basically explosions every 5 min but like... my L.A teacher ruined it.
In class he's always talking about how movies are only good if they got a good plot and like all those stupid literary devices and shit.... and so i unconsciously started thinking about that stuff while watching the movie...
OH. the movie (in my opinion) should not be suitable for children. Honestly, i was a bit freaked because like 5 of those mini people die.
and their deaths aren't very... nice to watch. Getting your soul sucked out by a giant machine isn't very...nice.
-sigh-
anywayz.
onto the topic that i started this blog for.
So.
i went with my uni friends.
Like,
Amelia, VJ, Damian and EJ
and like
Damian and EJ are supposedly dating? I DON'T KNOW. they dated, then i heard they broke up, but they still act couple-ish!
and like...
to be frank... i admire them HAHA
because...
like, when we're all hanging out and stuff, they're like normal friends and stuff (CONVERSATION WISE)
but like...
you can just tell.
you can tell he loves her so much.
Like...
when EJ's standing there with her sister (VJ if you haven't figured it out yet)
Damian automatically moves to stand beside her and stuff
and you can tell that he wants to be close to her... and like protect her.
But... it's very subtle.
They're not crazy close, yet they're closer than anyone i know.
and honestly, i admire them and yet i'm *very slightly* jealous at the same time.
Like...
i'm not going to lie
i think EJ is probably one of the prettiest girls i've ever seen.
and like considering i don't say stuff like that often, it says a lot.
Like... even though she's tomboyish (with the short hair and everything)
she... has her own beauty.
and i think damian knows that.
Because we were standing outside the theatre after the movie
and like they were waiting with me for my ride since they all went home together.
and like, i'm talking to them.
and it's just me, VJ and Ameel talking and i'm wondering 'why are VJ and Damian so quiet?'
i look over
and i had a total 'awe' yet '-sigh-' moment.
because i saw damian nuzzling Ej's hair/ear.
well, either that or he was whispering something to her.
But...
you could tell.
just in that moment
that ONE moment that lasted for like a second.
you could tell that if he could make it possible, he would love her forever and more.
and...like you get how it's 'awe'
but it... made me a bit sad
because
they have the potential of forever
but i don't.
it reminded me of my situation.
And even to begin with, if you were to compare my relationship with kelvin to their relationship, i think their bond is stronger.
Ours doesn't even compare.
It gave me a really... depressed feeling. But... at the same time i was happy for them.
Because... i know Damian isn't an ass so he's okay for EJ XD
I wish... that we could have a love that strong.
Strong like theirs, where we can be standing on opposite sides of the room yet feel so close. Where we can simply just stand beside each other and be content. Where just by being together, others can FEEL the love.
Heh... but i guess that's impossible for me.
Are you able to love me like he loves her?
yesterday i went with some university friends to watch '9'
It was a crap movie. Well, not really crap. But like, it was mainly explosions and crap.
the plot sucked ass and honestly, the movie reminded me of a rip off of 'Matrix' and 'Digimon The Movie'
Because a) in digimon the movie, Cocomon can only say 'Go back to the beginning'
and in '9' number '6' only says 'Find the source'
b) 'the source' reminds me of the Matrix with the old dude and everything and the source of the matrix.
NUMBER 7 IS COOLL :D
7 IS KICKASS. the only good fighter there is. AND 7 IS A GIRL. :)
Yeah... usually i would enjoy a movie like this because there was basically explosions every 5 min but like... my L.A teacher ruined it.
In class he's always talking about how movies are only good if they got a good plot and like all those stupid literary devices and shit.... and so i unconsciously started thinking about that stuff while watching the movie...
OH. the movie (in my opinion) should not be suitable for children. Honestly, i was a bit freaked because like 5 of those mini people die.
and their deaths aren't very... nice to watch. Getting your soul sucked out by a giant machine isn't very...nice.
-sigh-
anywayz.
onto the topic that i started this blog for.
So.
i went with my uni friends.
Like,
Amelia, VJ, Damian and EJ
and like
Damian and EJ are supposedly dating? I DON'T KNOW. they dated, then i heard they broke up, but they still act couple-ish!
and like...
to be frank... i admire them HAHA
because...
like, when we're all hanging out and stuff, they're like normal friends and stuff (CONVERSATION WISE)
but like...
you can just tell.
you can tell he loves her so much.
Like...
when EJ's standing there with her sister (VJ if you haven't figured it out yet)
Damian automatically moves to stand beside her and stuff
and you can tell that he wants to be close to her... and like protect her.
But... it's very subtle.
They're not crazy close, yet they're closer than anyone i know.
and honestly, i admire them and yet i'm *very slightly* jealous at the same time.
Like...
i'm not going to lie
i think EJ is probably one of the prettiest girls i've ever seen.
and like considering i don't say stuff like that often, it says a lot.
Like... even though she's tomboyish (with the short hair and everything)
she... has her own beauty.
and i think damian knows that.
Because we were standing outside the theatre after the movie
and like they were waiting with me for my ride since they all went home together.
and like, i'm talking to them.
and it's just me, VJ and Ameel talking and i'm wondering 'why are VJ and Damian so quiet?'
i look over
and i had a total 'awe' yet '-sigh-' moment.
because i saw damian nuzzling Ej's hair/ear.
well, either that or he was whispering something to her.
But...
you could tell.
just in that moment
that ONE moment that lasted for like a second.
you could tell that if he could make it possible, he would love her forever and more.
and...like you get how it's 'awe'
but it... made me a bit sad
because
they have the potential of forever
but i don't.
it reminded me of my situation.
And even to begin with, if you were to compare my relationship with kelvin to their relationship, i think their bond is stronger.
Ours doesn't even compare.
It gave me a really... depressed feeling. But... at the same time i was happy for them.
Because... i know Damian isn't an ass so he's okay for EJ XD
I wish... that we could have a love that strong.
Strong like theirs, where we can be standing on opposite sides of the room yet feel so close. Where we can simply just stand beside each other and be content. Where just by being together, others can FEEL the love.
Heh... but i guess that's impossible for me.
Are you able to love me like he loves her?
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
You Belong With Me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HryFrdGkqHU&feature=channel
he is a beautiful pianist. He is one of the few people in the world who plays music instead of notes.
he is a beautiful pianist. He is one of the few people in the world who plays music instead of notes.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Wow, i'm stealing so many things from you shevon.
1. Have you ever had lunch together with Shevon Lam?
of course!
2. What song could be Kelvin Tran's theme song?
uhh... idk, some song about not being tied down?
3. What was your first impression of Logan Smith?
Nerd... XD
4. Who's Mike Tymms dating?
no one atm.
5. Linda Ng just got vaporized in a freak accident. Now what?
i make you make her come back or else the world will pay =_=
6. What would Chris Robinson not be caught dead in?
idunno... a tutu?
7. What is Ashley Schneider's favorite TV show or movie?
LOL TWILIGHT.
8. If Sandra On played in a movie, what kind of character would they play?
the girl who is intelligent but at the same time a ditz. also the person out for world domination.
9. Have you ever been in Pamela Martinez's house?
she refused to let me in because she thought i would blow something up :(
10. How would Christina Ho insult Shevon Lam?
calling her a shorty? then again that's how everyone insults her...
of course!
2. What song could be Kelvin Tran's theme song?
uhh... idk, some song about not being tied down?
3. What was your first impression of Logan Smith?
Nerd... XD
4. Who's Mike Tymms dating?
no one atm.
5. Linda Ng just got vaporized in a freak accident. Now what?
i make you make her come back or else the world will pay =_=
6. What would Chris Robinson not be caught dead in?
idunno... a tutu?
7. What is Ashley Schneider's favorite TV show or movie?
LOL TWILIGHT.
8. If Sandra On played in a movie, what kind of character would they play?
the girl who is intelligent but at the same time a ditz. also the person out for world domination.
9. Have you ever been in Pamela Martinez's house?
she refused to let me in because she thought i would blow something up :(
10. How would Christina Ho insult Shevon Lam?
calling her a shorty? then again that's how everyone insults her...
Shevon :) i stole this from you
5 guys quiz.
1. Kelvin
2. Chris
3. Patrick
4. Daniel B.
5. Logan
DON'T LOOK AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED UP THE TOP!
1. How did you meet # 3?
LOLOL HE'S MY BROTHER? XD
2. What would you do if 2 and 5 were going out?
omg... poor ashley... o.o
3. How long did you know #2?
ummm... since grade 8
4. How do you know 5?
Band :)
5. What would you do if 4 told you they loved you?
awwee, i love him too :)
6. A fact about number 1:
I LOVE HIM <3
7. Who is 2 going out with?
no one atm
8. What does 5 do for a living?
erm, he's still in school.
9. Would you live with 3?
i DO live with him, sadly enough.
10. What's your relationship status with 5?
close friends =]
11. What do you like about number 1?
he can make me feel like everything is okay just by smiling
12. What would you do if number 2 died?
cry like no tmrw, take my trusty knife and chop off the limbs of the person who killed him and then behead the murderer. Point is: kill chris and die.
13. Do you miss number 1?
:( yes
14. How do you feel about number 3 ?
he's my brother... >.> person who plays with me?
15. Would you ever go out with number 5?
...i don't think ashley would take that very well.
16. Where can you always find number 5?
out with ashley >.>
17. Ever get really pissed off at number 4?
i could never get mad at Dan, he's too sweet.
18. Have you ever slept over at 1's house?
LOLOLOLOL sorry, i don't want to die yet.
20. What do you like about number 5 ?
he's a sensitive guy XD you know how hard it is to find a sensitive guy now a days?!
22. Have you ever seen number 2 naked?
i've seen him in only swim trunks. i kinda don't want to see him naked... >.> i don't really want to see ANY guy naked...
23. What's number 3s favorite drink?
Strawberry juice slush with sago and lychee (LOL i had to ask him just now...)
24. Have you ever danced with number 1?
yeah XD
25. Where did you meet number 4?
Language Arts 10-IB Mr. Sisk's class.
26. Have you ever gotten drunk with number 4?
not yet XD
28. Have you ever seen 5 in a swimsuit?
yes
29. Do you like number 1?
i love him <3
30. Have you ever met 4's Family?
nope
32. Have you ever eaten anything in front of 3?
psh, i eat in front of him everyday.
33. Do you trust number 2?
well he's number 2 for a reason you know.
34. Have you ever fought with number 1?
almost every few months
35. When’s the last time you talked to 3 in person?
about a minute ago
36. Are any of your 5 family?
#3
38. Have you ever slept in the same bed with any of the 5 ?
hmm... i think i remember once when i was 3, i had a nightmare and my brother was the only one who let me sleep with him
39. Do you think 1 and 4 would make a good couple?
NO, HE'S MINE >=[
40. Would 3 do anything for you?
if i pull the right strings LMAO
41. Has 2 ever helped you out?
he's always there when i need help :)
42. Have you ever slept in number 4's bed?
no.
43. Which have you known the longest?
my brother LMAO
44. Who have you known the shortest?
Daniel
46. Have you ever done anything illegal with number 4?
LOLOLOL NOT YET jk
47. Will 1 - 5 repost this?
nope, none of them will even read this.
1. Kelvin
2. Chris
3. Patrick
4. Daniel B.
5. Logan
DON'T LOOK AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED UP THE TOP!
1. How did you meet # 3?
LOLOL HE'S MY BROTHER? XD
2. What would you do if 2 and 5 were going out?
omg... poor ashley... o.o
3. How long did you know #2?
ummm... since grade 8
4. How do you know 5?
Band :)
5. What would you do if 4 told you they loved you?
awwee, i love him too :)
6. A fact about number 1:
I LOVE HIM <3
7. Who is 2 going out with?
no one atm
8. What does 5 do for a living?
erm, he's still in school.
9. Would you live with 3?
i DO live with him, sadly enough.
10. What's your relationship status with 5?
close friends =]
11. What do you like about number 1?
he can make me feel like everything is okay just by smiling
12. What would you do if number 2 died?
cry like no tmrw, take my trusty knife and chop off the limbs of the person who killed him and then behead the murderer. Point is: kill chris and die.
13. Do you miss number 1?
:( yes
14. How do you feel about number 3 ?
he's my brother... >.> person who plays with me?
15. Would you ever go out with number 5?
...i don't think ashley would take that very well.
16. Where can you always find number 5?
out with ashley >.>
17. Ever get really pissed off at number 4?
i could never get mad at Dan, he's too sweet.
18. Have you ever slept over at 1's house?
LOLOLOLOL sorry, i don't want to die yet.
20. What do you like about number 5 ?
he's a sensitive guy XD you know how hard it is to find a sensitive guy now a days?!
22. Have you ever seen number 2 naked?
i've seen him in only swim trunks. i kinda don't want to see him naked... >.> i don't really want to see ANY guy naked...
23. What's number 3s favorite drink?
Strawberry juice slush with sago and lychee (LOL i had to ask him just now...)
24. Have you ever danced with number 1?
yeah XD
25. Where did you meet number 4?
Language Arts 10-IB Mr. Sisk's class.
26. Have you ever gotten drunk with number 4?
not yet XD
28. Have you ever seen 5 in a swimsuit?
yes
29. Do you like number 1?
i love him <3
30. Have you ever met 4's Family?
nope
32. Have you ever eaten anything in front of 3?
psh, i eat in front of him everyday.
33. Do you trust number 2?
well he's number 2 for a reason you know.
34. Have you ever fought with number 1?
almost every few months
35. When’s the last time you talked to 3 in person?
about a minute ago
36. Are any of your 5 family?
#3
38. Have you ever slept in the same bed with any of the 5 ?
hmm... i think i remember once when i was 3, i had a nightmare and my brother was the only one who let me sleep with him
39. Do you think 1 and 4 would make a good couple?
NO, HE'S MINE >=[
40. Would 3 do anything for you?
if i pull the right strings LMAO
41. Has 2 ever helped you out?
he's always there when i need help :)
42. Have you ever slept in number 4's bed?
no.
43. Which have you known the longest?
my brother LMAO
44. Who have you known the shortest?
Daniel
46. Have you ever done anything illegal with number 4?
LOLOLOL NOT YET jk
47. Will 1 - 5 repost this?
nope, none of them will even read this.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Romio&Juliet<3
Today... was another good day i suppose :)
He was 'gentle kelvin' today again. i wonder how long this will last?
not to be pessimistic or anything.
I...feel really weird.
Like, i'm so close to him, yet at the same time he's keeping me at arm's length.
It's like, i don't know much about him, and he's not willing to tell me. Yet i know so much more about him than anyone else, it's like i know his soul rather than his mind.
I can judge what he likes and dislikes, but i don't know specifics. I can judge what would make him happy and sad, but i don't know exactly what. Like... i don't know his material likes and dislikes, but i know his personality likes and dislikes.
It's so weird.
I know him, yet i don't.
He's the complete opposite LOL.
he knows everything i hate and love material wise. He knows all the facts about me inside and out. He knows my personality...a bit i guess.
Like, he knows how i react and stuff and like my moods but he can never tell what i would enjoy or what i would dislike (as in activities and non-material things).
But... i guess that's all the more reason to stay together.
Because we are still strangers to each other.
I want to know about him. Because that way i can make him happy.
To me, seeing him happy means everything :)
LOL
'you know you're in love when...' XD
man.
i REALLY do love him don't i?
Like... to the point where i'm starting to think i'm in the 'blinded' stage.
Maybe it's a phase?
i don't care.
i love him :) that's all i know <3
But... today he was very nice again.
I know he doesn't like to hold my hand because it makes his cramp up (SORRY MY HANDS ARE SO FREAKING SMALL >=[) but now, he actually makes the effort to at least hold my hand firmly when i slip my hand in his.
Usually he doesn't move, like i'm the only one holding his hand. and like, quite frankly i'm used to it.
But he actually HOLDS my hand now... i feel kinda bad because i usually hold his right hand and i don't want to cramp his writing hand up...
LOLOLOL i have to say something...
and what i am about to say
will not be repeated to ANYONE.
...
...
he gained weight XD
or at least i THINK he did LMAO.
because
His body is tone.
Like, i know because i can feel it when he hugs me. there's not a inch of fat ANYWHERE (cept for his tummy, but that's understandable)
and
when he was sitting down in band class (yesterday), i hit his thigh because he was teasing me and then it felt softer than usual LOL.
like, you know how when you hit your thigh and like it jiggles a little? like jiggles once? (NOT LIKE THOSE FAT PPL WHO NEVER STOP JIGGLING)
it was very brief, but i saw it jiggle XD
I'm actually kinda happy he gained weight. He's too skinny. he never eats enough.
I think, before, he was UNDERWEIGHT. Maybe now he's the ideal weight...
OMG
DID I TELL YOU
I LOST WEIGHT AGAIN :) HAHAHA
causee
usually when i check in afternoon, my weight is between 149-152
but, today i checked, and i was 148 :)
I USUALLY ONLY WEIGHT 148 WHEN I WAKE UP. AND THAT'S WHEN MY TUMMY IS EMPTY. :)
but... i ate a bit more than usual today... because i had LD practice and i was hungry after i got home even though i ate supper already...
BUT
MY GOAL
IS TO GO DOWN TO AT LEAST 145 BY THE END OF THIS YEAR :D
and then, by the time we finish grade 11, i want to be 140.
i think, the reason i gained so much weight last year was because i went to the mall at lunch to get second cup, then right after i would have foods and like we would bake so much stuff. So like tons of cals right there and in class we sit for so long.
This year, i want to lose weight.
I'M SO FUCKING JEALOUS >=[
Kelvin can look like a freaking denim model when he's shirtless.
GRRR.
Not fair >.< in this relationship, the guy looks hotter than the girl. WAAHHH~ T__T
Then again, maybe that's just my opinion? i think he's cute because i love him XD
okay. i'll admit. i like a shirtless kelvin LMAO
pft. i have proof that he likes it when i wear my swimsuit. (shevon, can you guess or are you too innocent? XD)
hahaha.
You know, i find it so amazing. Sometimes i think to myself:
why does he even like me? i'm not that like-able. I'm selfish, egotistic, arrogant and bitchy. He must be crazy to love me.
I know kelvin used to think something like that. He told me that when we first started dating, he couldn't believe that i chose him out of everyone else since he was the 'nerd/nobody' and didn't have any outstanding characteristics at all.
Actually... i don't know why i love him.
I guess... i just do. Like, i've said this before and i'll say it again.
When he smiles at me, i know that i love him, and he loves me.
I think...
when you love someone, you don't need a reason.
Sure, you love lots of things about that person, but they aren't the reason you love them.
Like... you love a person for who they are.
I love kelvin because he is kelvin.
I think... that if kelvin wasn't kelvin, i wouldn't love him.
Almost like... i'll still love him if he changes, because i'll be there for the change and i can adapt. But if kelvin had a double who was completely different, i wouldn't love him.
Because he's not Kelvin.
You can't choose who to love.
Love chooses whom it wants.
It is irrational with no logical reasoning at all.
But i guess that's what makes love so exciting :)
You know i want to do before i graduate from high school?
i want to be able to fall asleep in his arms :) IN AN ACTUAL BED, NOT ON THE STUPID BUS.
Like, no perverted things, but just... fall asleep.
I think... i would feel very safe...and warm XD
HAHA OMG
TODAY
IN WORLD LIT CLASS
we were talking about romio and juliet
and like the teach was going on and on and on
and he was like
'well back then they married at like 13 you know! and like juliet's parents didn't want her to marry romio because they thought he'd treat her like shit. i mean, imagine if you married the person you liked when you were 13'
and i was like
'UHH, HE'S SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME LMAO. WE HAPPEN TO BE DATING HAHAHA'
and i'll be honest.
for a second there
i actually wondered what it'd be like to be married to kelvin.
o.O
you know what?
i can't see kelvin getting married.
HAHA
well, i can see him getting married, but like, can't see him as a dad.
But... I WANT TO BE A MOMMY :D
haha.
i actually have a motherly instinct.
i worry about ppl too much and i always nag them like 'DID YOU PACK A LUNCH?' or 'DID YOU BRING YOUR JACKET?' and blah blah blah.
i like being a mother hen XD i like taking care of people even though they find it annoying.
Blah...
i better go to bed.
Getting late and i'm going downtown library tmrw to do hmwk then shop for daddy's gift.
Nighty Night :)
He was 'gentle kelvin' today again. i wonder how long this will last?
not to be pessimistic or anything.
I...feel really weird.
Like, i'm so close to him, yet at the same time he's keeping me at arm's length.
It's like, i don't know much about him, and he's not willing to tell me. Yet i know so much more about him than anyone else, it's like i know his soul rather than his mind.
I can judge what he likes and dislikes, but i don't know specifics. I can judge what would make him happy and sad, but i don't know exactly what. Like... i don't know his material likes and dislikes, but i know his personality likes and dislikes.
It's so weird.
I know him, yet i don't.
He's the complete opposite LOL.
he knows everything i hate and love material wise. He knows all the facts about me inside and out. He knows my personality...a bit i guess.
Like, he knows how i react and stuff and like my moods but he can never tell what i would enjoy or what i would dislike (as in activities and non-material things).
But... i guess that's all the more reason to stay together.
Because we are still strangers to each other.
I want to know about him. Because that way i can make him happy.
To me, seeing him happy means everything :)
LOL
'you know you're in love when...' XD
man.
i REALLY do love him don't i?
Like... to the point where i'm starting to think i'm in the 'blinded' stage.
Maybe it's a phase?
i don't care.
i love him :) that's all i know <3
But... today he was very nice again.
I know he doesn't like to hold my hand because it makes his cramp up (SORRY MY HANDS ARE SO FREAKING SMALL >=[) but now, he actually makes the effort to at least hold my hand firmly when i slip my hand in his.
Usually he doesn't move, like i'm the only one holding his hand. and like, quite frankly i'm used to it.
But he actually HOLDS my hand now... i feel kinda bad because i usually hold his right hand and i don't want to cramp his writing hand up...
LOLOLOL i have to say something...
and what i am about to say
will not be repeated to ANYONE.
...
...
he gained weight XD
or at least i THINK he did LMAO.
because
His body is tone.
Like, i know because i can feel it when he hugs me. there's not a inch of fat ANYWHERE (cept for his tummy, but that's understandable)
and
when he was sitting down in band class (yesterday), i hit his thigh because he was teasing me and then it felt softer than usual LOL.
like, you know how when you hit your thigh and like it jiggles a little? like jiggles once? (NOT LIKE THOSE FAT PPL WHO NEVER STOP JIGGLING)
it was very brief, but i saw it jiggle XD
I'm actually kinda happy he gained weight. He's too skinny. he never eats enough.
I think, before, he was UNDERWEIGHT. Maybe now he's the ideal weight...
OMG
DID I TELL YOU
I LOST WEIGHT AGAIN :) HAHAHA
causee
usually when i check in afternoon, my weight is between 149-152
but, today i checked, and i was 148 :)
I USUALLY ONLY WEIGHT 148 WHEN I WAKE UP. AND THAT'S WHEN MY TUMMY IS EMPTY. :)
but... i ate a bit more than usual today... because i had LD practice and i was hungry after i got home even though i ate supper already...
BUT
MY GOAL
IS TO GO DOWN TO AT LEAST 145 BY THE END OF THIS YEAR :D
and then, by the time we finish grade 11, i want to be 140.
i think, the reason i gained so much weight last year was because i went to the mall at lunch to get second cup, then right after i would have foods and like we would bake so much stuff. So like tons of cals right there and in class we sit for so long.
This year, i want to lose weight.
I'M SO FUCKING JEALOUS >=[
Kelvin can look like a freaking denim model when he's shirtless.
GRRR.
Not fair >.< in this relationship, the guy looks hotter than the girl. WAAHHH~ T__T
Then again, maybe that's just my opinion? i think he's cute because i love him XD
okay. i'll admit. i like a shirtless kelvin LMAO
pft. i have proof that he likes it when i wear my swimsuit. (shevon, can you guess or are you too innocent? XD)
hahaha.
You know, i find it so amazing. Sometimes i think to myself:
why does he even like me? i'm not that like-able. I'm selfish, egotistic, arrogant and bitchy. He must be crazy to love me.
I know kelvin used to think something like that. He told me that when we first started dating, he couldn't believe that i chose him out of everyone else since he was the 'nerd/nobody' and didn't have any outstanding characteristics at all.
Actually... i don't know why i love him.
I guess... i just do. Like, i've said this before and i'll say it again.
When he smiles at me, i know that i love him, and he loves me.
I think...
when you love someone, you don't need a reason.
Sure, you love lots of things about that person, but they aren't the reason you love them.
Like... you love a person for who they are.
I love kelvin because he is kelvin.
I think... that if kelvin wasn't kelvin, i wouldn't love him.
Almost like... i'll still love him if he changes, because i'll be there for the change and i can adapt. But if kelvin had a double who was completely different, i wouldn't love him.
Because he's not Kelvin.
You can't choose who to love.
Love chooses whom it wants.
It is irrational with no logical reasoning at all.
But i guess that's what makes love so exciting :)
You know i want to do before i graduate from high school?
i want to be able to fall asleep in his arms :) IN AN ACTUAL BED, NOT ON THE STUPID BUS.
Like, no perverted things, but just... fall asleep.
I think... i would feel very safe...and warm XD
HAHA OMG
TODAY
IN WORLD LIT CLASS
we were talking about romio and juliet
and like the teach was going on and on and on
and he was like
'well back then they married at like 13 you know! and like juliet's parents didn't want her to marry romio because they thought he'd treat her like shit. i mean, imagine if you married the person you liked when you were 13'
and i was like
'UHH, HE'S SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME LMAO. WE HAPPEN TO BE DATING HAHAHA'
and i'll be honest.
for a second there
i actually wondered what it'd be like to be married to kelvin.
o.O
you know what?
i can't see kelvin getting married.
HAHA
well, i can see him getting married, but like, can't see him as a dad.
But... I WANT TO BE A MOMMY :D
haha.
i actually have a motherly instinct.
i worry about ppl too much and i always nag them like 'DID YOU PACK A LUNCH?' or 'DID YOU BRING YOUR JACKET?' and blah blah blah.
i like being a mother hen XD i like taking care of people even though they find it annoying.
Blah...
i better go to bed.
Getting late and i'm going downtown library tmrw to do hmwk then shop for daddy's gift.
Nighty Night :)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
This Love.
I feel so happy today :)
hehehe... <3
today
i actually felt loved.
ABOUT TIME.
XD
because
today, i think he smiled at me more times than he has smiled for a long time.
And you know i love his smiles :) <3
SINCE HE SMILED A LOT, DOES THAT MEAN HE MISSED ME?!
i asked him if he missed me,
and he hesitated and then was like 'mmmm'
...YOU DIDN'T MISS ME?!?!?!
YOU HESITATED T____T emo tears.
but...
in the bandroom yesterday at lunch,
i was happy.
because, when i went to go throw out my pear, he came with me (HE DOESN'T USUALLY FOLLOW) and then i forgot what he said, but i pouted and walked away
and he then came up behind me and hugged me :)
i was surprised because he doesn't usually do that kind of stuff. not unless he's in a sappy mood which is almost like never.
and today
at lunch
in the bandroom (always there lol)
when i was sitting down
he was standing behind me
and i looked up at him and asked for a 'chu'
and he kissed my forehead and chuckled X3
WARNING! THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS INSANELY CORNY AND MUSHY. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT ENJOY LAUGHING AT HOW HOPELESSLY IN LOVE I AM.
WAAAHH~~
it wasn't just a normal kiss though
it was like
really gentle
and kind <3 (...i'm so tempted to write 'tender' but that's just too corny LMAO)
like
even though it was just a small chu
i felt...
very loved.
and like
he doesn't chuckle
but he did
hehe....
i wonder...
is he happy to see me?
did he miss me at all during the summer?
Like, i was thinking
maybe during the summer he didn't miss me much because he never really thought about it, but now that we're together again, he's happy.
Kinda like he unconsciously misses me but can't really tell.
like, i think that was the case for me
except i KNEW i missed him
i would feel lonely sometimes,
but other times i was okay.
Life goes on you know?
it's only when you think about the other, that you realize how much you wish they were there.
And besides, kelvin is much better at reasoning with his emotions than i am.
So... i think since he's being so nice, it's his way of saying 'I'm glad that you're here again'
haha... i'm glad i'm with him again too <3
I wish... he would stay in this mood forever XD <3 X3
i like the 'gentle' kelvin.
because usually i deal with the 'playful' kelvin.
well, not saying he isn't gentle with me (the dude treats me like freaking glass), but like, emotionally gentle.
I think... i need to learn to speak 'KELVIN LANGUAGE'
XD
i need to learn to interpret his actions and his mood better.
That will be my goal this year.
Screw getting distinctions in school, my goal is to understand my poi poi better.
OMG
I HOPE I GET TO WALK HOME WITH HIM TMRW :)
well, not to his house, but like
halfway there.
walk to fife.
Even though doing so is making him go the long way...
BUT FUCK THAT >=]
i want to spend time with him haha :P
...
...
I...wish that this love will last forever <3
hehehe... <3
today
i actually felt loved.
ABOUT TIME.
XD
because
today, i think he smiled at me more times than he has smiled for a long time.
And you know i love his smiles :) <3
SINCE HE SMILED A LOT, DOES THAT MEAN HE MISSED ME?!
i asked him if he missed me,
and he hesitated and then was like 'mmmm'
...YOU DIDN'T MISS ME?!?!?!
YOU HESITATED T____T emo tears.
but...
in the bandroom yesterday at lunch,
i was happy.
because, when i went to go throw out my pear, he came with me (HE DOESN'T USUALLY FOLLOW) and then i forgot what he said, but i pouted and walked away
and he then came up behind me and hugged me :)
i was surprised because he doesn't usually do that kind of stuff. not unless he's in a sappy mood which is almost like never.
and today
at lunch
in the bandroom (always there lol)
when i was sitting down
he was standing behind me
and i looked up at him and asked for a 'chu'
and he kissed my forehead and chuckled X3
WARNING! THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IS INSANELY CORNY AND MUSHY. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT ENJOY LAUGHING AT HOW HOPELESSLY IN LOVE I AM.
WAAAHH~~
it wasn't just a normal kiss though
it was like
really gentle
and kind <3 (...i'm so tempted to write 'tender' but that's just too corny LMAO)
like
even though it was just a small chu
i felt...
very loved.
and like
he doesn't chuckle
but he did
hehe....
i wonder...
is he happy to see me?
did he miss me at all during the summer?
Like, i was thinking
maybe during the summer he didn't miss me much because he never really thought about it, but now that we're together again, he's happy.
Kinda like he unconsciously misses me but can't really tell.
like, i think that was the case for me
except i KNEW i missed him
i would feel lonely sometimes,
but other times i was okay.
Life goes on you know?
it's only when you think about the other, that you realize how much you wish they were there.
And besides, kelvin is much better at reasoning with his emotions than i am.
So... i think since he's being so nice, it's his way of saying 'I'm glad that you're here again'
haha... i'm glad i'm with him again too <3
I wish... he would stay in this mood forever XD <3 X3
i like the 'gentle' kelvin.
because usually i deal with the 'playful' kelvin.
well, not saying he isn't gentle with me (the dude treats me like freaking glass), but like, emotionally gentle.
I think... i need to learn to speak 'KELVIN LANGUAGE'
XD
i need to learn to interpret his actions and his mood better.
That will be my goal this year.
Screw getting distinctions in school, my goal is to understand my poi poi better.
OMG
I HOPE I GET TO WALK HOME WITH HIM TMRW :)
well, not to his house, but like
halfway there.
walk to fife.
Even though doing so is making him go the long way...
BUT FUCK THAT >=]
i want to spend time with him haha :P
...
...
I...wish that this love will last forever <3
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
First Day of School...
oh wow.
i swear to god, today was FUCKING BORING.
First block... Social.
LOL i think... in social
it's just a giant clique and then there are the loners.
Cuz like
the giant clique
is like me, coralie, kevin, monica, justin, josh and like anyone else we know.
because, we're always the one's talking and joking to each other.
Like... i felt bad for the other people.
There's actually this one new transfer student i want to talk to.
His name is Omar i think. He came from lebanon.
He seems really nice :) i wanna talk to him but i'm scared to LOL.
Second block was world lit.
so it started out with teach doing attendance
and i had a heart attack when he said kelvin's name.
i was like 'WTFFFF HE'S IN THIS CLASS??!'
then i was happy because i thought 'OH YAY, I DON'T HAVE TO FIND HIM AT LUNCH BECAUSE I'M WITH HIM IN ALL MY BLOCK 2 CLASSES!'
and i had...mixed feelings you know?
when he actually walked into the room.
LOL I'M SO DUMB
BUT I HAD...
A MOMENT.
where it was like
my heart was beating really fast.
and i could only stare at him.
IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL LOVE?!?!?! LMAO
and then
when he sat down
he saw me
and waved a bit.
then i started to get pissed.
i'm like, YOU DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME FOR 3 WEEKS AND YOU JUST SAY HI?! FUCK YOOUU!
Then...
i realized...
i was so happy to see him.
i missed him so much. To the point where i turned it all into anger.
And like...
i'm embarassed to say this.
but i looked at him in class more times than i wanted to. LOL
and like..
i guess
after class
we talked...
and...
i think things went back to normal.
But
i hate how he ignores things.
Like he KNOWS i'm upset and stuff
but he chooses to ignore it and pretend nothing happens.
just because you put a blanket over the mess it doesn't mean that it isn't there you know.
Yet... i can't help but feel so relieved...
he still loves me :)
and i still love him.
fuck reality.
i'll make a forever
I'LL STALK HIM >=]
LOLOOLOLOL jk jk...
but...
when we graduate
i will tell him
how much i love him
and he can finally give me the answer to that question i asked a year ago:
'can you take me with you?'
ANYWAYZ.
BACK TO TOPIC.
block 3...
erm... i guess the only ppl i talk to are cho, monique, and amy.
Like, behind me is the fob herd.
like anothony and some other dude i forgot his name
and then there's derek.
yeah... teach yelled at them XD
well not really yelled.
kinda put them on the spot. called them her 'first chatty bunch' and that she would 'be watching them' XD
other than that... math was pretty easy... the only hard part is punching the right buttons on the calculator T__T i can't operate it to save my life. i wish i could do it all manually... >.>
umm
block 4 was bio...
i think
bio was most fun
because i could talk to edisa, hussein, ashley, and like lots of other ppl.
i think i will enjoy bio very muchies :)
AUGH
FUCK MORNING CLASSESSSS
anywayz. i'll spazz about morning classes tmrw.
gotta sleep now.
Nighty night :)
i swear to god, today was FUCKING BORING.
First block... Social.
LOL i think... in social
it's just a giant clique and then there are the loners.
Cuz like
the giant clique
is like me, coralie, kevin, monica, justin, josh and like anyone else we know.
because, we're always the one's talking and joking to each other.
Like... i felt bad for the other people.
There's actually this one new transfer student i want to talk to.
His name is Omar i think. He came from lebanon.
He seems really nice :) i wanna talk to him but i'm scared to LOL.
Second block was world lit.
so it started out with teach doing attendance
and i had a heart attack when he said kelvin's name.
i was like 'WTFFFF HE'S IN THIS CLASS??!'
then i was happy because i thought 'OH YAY, I DON'T HAVE TO FIND HIM AT LUNCH BECAUSE I'M WITH HIM IN ALL MY BLOCK 2 CLASSES!'
and i had...mixed feelings you know?
when he actually walked into the room.
LOL I'M SO DUMB
BUT I HAD...
A MOMENT.
where it was like
my heart was beating really fast.
and i could only stare at him.
IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL LOVE?!?!?! LMAO
and then
when he sat down
he saw me
and waved a bit.
then i started to get pissed.
i'm like, YOU DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME FOR 3 WEEKS AND YOU JUST SAY HI?! FUCK YOOUU!
Then...
i realized...
i was so happy to see him.
i missed him so much. To the point where i turned it all into anger.
And like...
i'm embarassed to say this.
but i looked at him in class more times than i wanted to. LOL
and like..
i guess
after class
we talked...
and...
i think things went back to normal.
But
i hate how he ignores things.
Like he KNOWS i'm upset and stuff
but he chooses to ignore it and pretend nothing happens.
just because you put a blanket over the mess it doesn't mean that it isn't there you know.
Yet... i can't help but feel so relieved...
he still loves me :)
and i still love him.
fuck reality.
i'll make a forever
I'LL STALK HIM >=]
LOLOOLOLOL jk jk...
but...
when we graduate
i will tell him
how much i love him
and he can finally give me the answer to that question i asked a year ago:
'can you take me with you?'
ANYWAYZ.
BACK TO TOPIC.
block 3...
erm... i guess the only ppl i talk to are cho, monique, and amy.
Like, behind me is the fob herd.
like anothony and some other dude i forgot his name
and then there's derek.
yeah... teach yelled at them XD
well not really yelled.
kinda put them on the spot. called them her 'first chatty bunch' and that she would 'be watching them' XD
other than that... math was pretty easy... the only hard part is punching the right buttons on the calculator T__T i can't operate it to save my life. i wish i could do it all manually... >.>
umm
block 4 was bio...
i think
bio was most fun
because i could talk to edisa, hussein, ashley, and like lots of other ppl.
i think i will enjoy bio very muchies :)
AUGH
FUCK MORNING CLASSESSSS
anywayz. i'll spazz about morning classes tmrw.
gotta sleep now.
Nighty night :)
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
hmmm...
so... i'm taking this personality quiz thingy...
and like, i have no idea if this stuff is true.
Here is the analysis:
You are the type to fall quickly and passionately in love, but will commit to a person forever when this happens. When you choose to love someone, it's going to be a strong relationship and nothing will come between you and your lover. But beware: love can turn you blind, and the rest of the world might cease to exist while you are in that honeymoon phase. When you come down from your high, you may find you have neglected other people and things that you love.
Here is the analysis:
Self-centered
You are self-centered. People around you get tired of trying to please you all the time. You don't care how others feel and everything has to be done your way - this is why you don't have very many friends. Deep down, however, the real you is quite a nice person, and when you like someone, you can be very sincere. So try to think less about yourself and you will eventually be a more popular person.
What does being a friend really mean to you?
You value your friendships: 55%
You love your friends very much - so much so that it's actually quite a worry. You may not be able to cope very well when you do lose somebody's friendship. You are a very sensitive and fragile person, and are therefore likely to get upset easily. You care for your friends and are willing to do anything that they ask you to do. Sometimes this can make your friends think that you are a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, people do really love you because your highest priority is your friends.
Jealousy Test
Jealousy Level: 50%
You harbor hidden feelings of jealousy
You easily get jealous of other people, but you manage to control your expressions and emotions. For instance, when a close friend tells you that she has met the man of her dreams, you might sincerely say to her "Congratulations!", but what you're really thinking is "You're so lucky! Why can't I be you?"
How do you behave when in love?
Here is the analysis:
You could be heading for trouble if you don't loosen up just a little bit. Don't be so suspicious of him. He did have a life before he met you. You are too pessimistic about your relationship, and this could, ironically, be the reason that it will eventually end. Cut him some slack, and you'll find he comes back to you of his own accord anyway.
How deep is your love?
Depth: 57%
You have him in a corner of your heart. Don't lie to yourself; he's your special guy. Take good care of your heart. You still have a long way to go. Always remember that love has two edges. Being apart for a while might be a good chance to proof his love to you.
and like, i have no idea if this stuff is true.
Here is the analysis:
You are the type to fall quickly and passionately in love, but will commit to a person forever when this happens. When you choose to love someone, it's going to be a strong relationship and nothing will come between you and your lover. But beware: love can turn you blind, and the rest of the world might cease to exist while you are in that honeymoon phase. When you come down from your high, you may find you have neglected other people and things that you love.
Here is the analysis:
Self-centered
You are self-centered. People around you get tired of trying to please you all the time. You don't care how others feel and everything has to be done your way - this is why you don't have very many friends. Deep down, however, the real you is quite a nice person, and when you like someone, you can be very sincere. So try to think less about yourself and you will eventually be a more popular person.
What does being a friend really mean to you?
You value your friendships: 55%
You love your friends very much - so much so that it's actually quite a worry. You may not be able to cope very well when you do lose somebody's friendship. You are a very sensitive and fragile person, and are therefore likely to get upset easily. You care for your friends and are willing to do anything that they ask you to do. Sometimes this can make your friends think that you are a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, people do really love you because your highest priority is your friends.
Jealousy Test
Jealousy Level: 50%
You harbor hidden feelings of jealousy
You easily get jealous of other people, but you manage to control your expressions and emotions. For instance, when a close friend tells you that she has met the man of her dreams, you might sincerely say to her "Congratulations!", but what you're really thinking is "You're so lucky! Why can't I be you?"
How do you behave when in love?
Here is the analysis:
You could be heading for trouble if you don't loosen up just a little bit. Don't be so suspicious of him. He did have a life before he met you. You are too pessimistic about your relationship, and this could, ironically, be the reason that it will eventually end. Cut him some slack, and you'll find he comes back to you of his own accord anyway.
How deep is your love?
Depth: 57%
You have him in a corner of your heart. Don't lie to yourself; he's your special guy. Take good care of your heart. You still have a long way to go. Always remember that love has two edges. Being apart for a while might be a good chance to proof his love to you.
Feel This
School starts tomorrow.
I'm actually kinda excited, but at the same time, i just feel so...sad.
I don't know why i'm sad, i just... i can't help this feeling. It's almost like i've completely given up on everything.
Well
not THAT sad
but like
It's...
a very subtle melancholy, you know?
like...
it's a depressing feeling that doesn't overwhelm, but it's still there.
I think this melancholy has sprouted from my insecurities about Kelvin.
The stupid dummy still hasn't replied yet. i have no idea if he even got the email. Whatever, i don't care anymore. i'll see him tomorrow so i'll get my answer.
I was listening to one of the songs on my ipod
and like, i actually took the time to listen to the lyrics...
and one part made me feel like i wanted to cry.
It's the song 'Feel This' by Bethany Joy Galeotti
I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't know it.
But...
one part is like:
What if i told you that your tears haven't been ignored?
And everything that was taken can be restored?
-fast forward song-
What if I told you that innocence is yours?
And beauty you have now is brighter than before?
I don't even know why i wanted to cry when i listened to that.
I think everything is starting to remind me about me and kelvin.
dammit
so depressing.
I found that i lie to myself very often.
I lie to myself so that i don't break down.
It was funny when i realized this because i always thought that i was emotionally stronger than most people because of how i grew up.
Turns out once you get past everything, i'm more fragile than ever.
I tell myself that everything will be okay and that whatever happens, will happen.
I tell myself to accept the inevitable and just take it with stride.
But... that just makes me sadder.
I don't know if i'm living in a dream world or reality.
Reality is harsh, i know that much. I also know that there isn't any 'fairy tale ending'. There's hardly ever a 'happily ever after'.
I know this. I've accepted it.
Yet why do i always escape into my dream world?
I'm a dreamer. i'll admit.
When i'm alone. i escape into that dream world that i've created.
The world where i can make things go however i want.
You know what scares me?
I've found that i spend more time in my dream world than in reality.
I need to get a grip.
Haha. you know what randomly popped into my mind just now?
I have these moments
like, it's just really weird.
where... everything goes blank
and the only thing i can think of is:
I'm alive.
and like, it feels like my body is foreign to me.
And then i think 'i have a body to control'
And for a second, i forget how to move.
I rarely have those moments anymore.
I remember when i was in junior high i would have them all the time.
But it still amazes me.
I'm alive.
I'm a human being.
Like... have you ever thought about how effortless it is to just MOVE?
You don't even have to think about it.
If you want to type something, you type it.
You don't tell your hands to 'move' or to 'type that letter'
it just happens.
It's amazing.
Oh wow, i think i'm having one of those moments again.
haha.
i hope i don't suddenly space out at work... (gotta leave in 5 min btw)
oh boy...
stupid cold.
I managed to get rid of my sore throat in a day...
don't know how long my plugged nose will last...
shit
gotta go
i blog later.
I'm actually kinda excited, but at the same time, i just feel so...sad.
I don't know why i'm sad, i just... i can't help this feeling. It's almost like i've completely given up on everything.
Well
not THAT sad
but like
It's...
a very subtle melancholy, you know?
like...
it's a depressing feeling that doesn't overwhelm, but it's still there.
I think this melancholy has sprouted from my insecurities about Kelvin.
The stupid dummy still hasn't replied yet. i have no idea if he even got the email. Whatever, i don't care anymore. i'll see him tomorrow so i'll get my answer.
I was listening to one of the songs on my ipod
and like, i actually took the time to listen to the lyrics...
and one part made me feel like i wanted to cry.
It's the song 'Feel This' by Bethany Joy Galeotti
I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't know it.
But...
one part is like:
What if i told you that your tears haven't been ignored?
And everything that was taken can be restored?
-fast forward song-
What if I told you that innocence is yours?
And beauty you have now is brighter than before?
I don't even know why i wanted to cry when i listened to that.
I think everything is starting to remind me about me and kelvin.
dammit
so depressing.
I found that i lie to myself very often.
I lie to myself so that i don't break down.
It was funny when i realized this because i always thought that i was emotionally stronger than most people because of how i grew up.
Turns out once you get past everything, i'm more fragile than ever.
I tell myself that everything will be okay and that whatever happens, will happen.
I tell myself to accept the inevitable and just take it with stride.
But... that just makes me sadder.
I don't know if i'm living in a dream world or reality.
Reality is harsh, i know that much. I also know that there isn't any 'fairy tale ending'. There's hardly ever a 'happily ever after'.
I know this. I've accepted it.
Yet why do i always escape into my dream world?
I'm a dreamer. i'll admit.
When i'm alone. i escape into that dream world that i've created.
The world where i can make things go however i want.
You know what scares me?
I've found that i spend more time in my dream world than in reality.
I need to get a grip.
Haha. you know what randomly popped into my mind just now?
I have these moments
like, it's just really weird.
where... everything goes blank
and the only thing i can think of is:
I'm alive.
and like, it feels like my body is foreign to me.
And then i think 'i have a body to control'
And for a second, i forget how to move.
I rarely have those moments anymore.
I remember when i was in junior high i would have them all the time.
But it still amazes me.
I'm alive.
I'm a human being.
Like... have you ever thought about how effortless it is to just MOVE?
You don't even have to think about it.
If you want to type something, you type it.
You don't tell your hands to 'move' or to 'type that letter'
it just happens.
It's amazing.
Oh wow, i think i'm having one of those moments again.
haha.
i hope i don't suddenly space out at work... (gotta leave in 5 min btw)
oh boy...
stupid cold.
I managed to get rid of my sore throat in a day...
don't know how long my plugged nose will last...
shit
gotta go
i blog later.
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