I'm an Idiot.

so... yesterday i sent him and email... just... telling him everything. HAHA i forgot to send it to you on email shevon, so i'm gonna post it up here since you're the only one allowed to read my blog. LOL i sent it to logan to read before i sent it to kelvin... and i made logan cry LMAO. Yeah. that's how emotional it is. but... i mean every word of it.
Here it is:

NOTE BEFORE YOU READ ANYTHING: all the stuff in the '[]' brackets, are my after thoughts when i read over my email to proof read. YEA I PROOF READ. i make a lot of spelling errors HAHA. Btw, i re-read every paragraph or so... so yea, i could be adding things randomly in the middle of my email.


um...
hi.
i guess... [woow... i'm an ass for being so insensitive right there]
first of all,
this email is PROBABLY about what you think it is. But, at the same time, it's not a bad email. Relax, i'm not pointing a gun to your head okay? just... want to say a few things.
Btw, i suggest you read this to the end or else shevon will make you. (she knows where you live might i add.)

So...
i'm going to say this first:
what i'm going to say,
at best will piss you off. (at least that's what i think)
or it will irritate you incredibly.
But... at the same time, you don't know how i've felt these past two months.
you have no fucking clue at all. (i am so terribly sorry if i start swearing at you, but like i said, i just need to get some stuff off my chest.)
Like...
*sigh*...
Kelvin.
I don't hate you. Or at least i don't want to hate you. I don't want to hate someone that is probably my best friend (best MALE friend. Just so Shevon doesn't kill you) and quite possibly the only person in the world that i wish i could talk to for the rest of my life.
But...
at the same time...
it hurts, you know?
Like...
You probably don't know... but i've started a blog on blogger.com
You might have read it on my space, but i don't know. i don't think you read it anymore. i could be wrong though.
But... most of my blogs...
i'll admit are about you. Or rather, about my feelings towards you.
And i'll tell you now, not all of my blogs are pretty.
Like, there are some blogs... where i'm swearing my ass off and some blogs i'm crying like no tomorrow.
And...
sometimes...
it feels like the hurt will never stop.
It hurts... because we're so close... yet so far apart.
I... don't know how you feel about me anymore... haha.... but... I dunno... i know that i still love you...
It hurts to love you... but i do.
And like... i'd choose staying with you and bearing all that hurt rather than losing you and feeling empty.
Because... all through the summer...
haha... i feel like such an idiot for saying this...
but...
i honestly waited for your emails.
I really did.
i waited until midnight each day, somtimes even till 2am. I still do actually.
Because i wanted to hear from you. and see how you were doing...
Yes, call me a hypocrite.
i never once asked you how you were doing, or how things were.
But i wanted to know.
I know that when you signed on msn... i didn't talk to you much.
Or rather, i sounded like i didn't even want to talk to you. Honestly, i didn't think i did.
Like... it confuses me. When i'm not talking to you, i feel like i'm so lonely and i wished that you were here with me. But when you signed on and stuff... it just... it made me so angry.
Because the emails you sent me... pissed me off so much.
I know you didn't mean to piss me off. If anything, i knew you were sending me those emails because you made me a promise and didn't want to break it because you knew how much it meant to me.
But...sometimes the emails... were so... insensitive you know?
Like... it was dead. When i was reading them. it kinda felt like you thought it was a kind of chore.
Don't get me wrong. the first few emails, i loved, because when i read them, i could see you saying all those things and i could see you enjoying yourself. That made me happy. But... after a while, idunno... it just died.
I'm not accusing you. I'm not trying to make you angry.
But kelvin, just please. if anything, understand that i'm saying these things because i want you to know how i feel okay? Hell, i don't care if you understand or not, i just want you to know.
And...
after the first week or two...
it felt like you didn't even want to keep contact with me. And i think that's where i started to hurt so much.
haha... (i don't even know WHY i'm laughing... since i obviously don't feel happy... must be shevon rubbing off on me.)[i'm going insane. Call the asylum]
you don't know... how much it hurts...
hahahahaha... [i think i AM insane. oh man...]
but then again, you probably know... because i think that you are hurting as well.
I... don't know how you feel at all.
All i know is that my heart hurts every single minute from the moment i wake up, to the moment where i fall asleep. [i've officially dived off the deep end, that sounded so corny but i can't find any other way to say it.]
i want to know how you feel. But at the same time, i know guys don't do these type of things.
Because, 'feeling' talks are in the girl's area. That's our forte.
So... i'm not gonna ask anything of you. But... just keep in mind that i DO want to know more about how you feel and stuff. Hell, i want to know more about you in general.
haha...
Are you mad at me yet? when i was typing that last sentence, i could see you being pissed off. It's funny how scarily accurate i can remember how your face looks like when you're mad. [that sounded gramatically inaccurate]
I probably deserve whatever thoughts are going through your head right now. Because i'll admit, i'm no angel. If anything, i think i'm the one to blame LOL...
I'm selfish. (That was the first thing that went through my head when i thought about what you would think)
I take you for granted. and i think that's where my whole 'miss you when you're not here, but pissed when you sign on msn' thing came from.
I don't know much about you at all.
Lol... i'm ashamed to say that but it's true. i don't know much about you at all. Because all this time, it was about me, me, me. Never about you. I was always the one demanding things; I was always the one demanding that you change because i don't like the way you act or something.
But... no matter how hard i try, i know you can't change. Rather, you shouldn't change. Because i have no right to demand that of you. (haha... i can see you getting pissed at that too...)
I...
To be painfully honest...
i'm scared.
haha.
i'm terrified that at this point, you probably just want to tell me 'it's over'.
I don't know why i'm so scared to let you go.
Is it because i want someone there no matter what?
Is it because i really, REALLY, no-bullshit-involved-total-completely-true love you?
Is it because i don't want to be lonely?
I don't know...
but i do know... that i don't want you to go.
Hate me for that sentence, because i've already tried to break up with you 3 times.
I'll admit... that each time
when i asked you 'do you want me to stay?'
deep inside me, i prayed to god that you would say 'yes'
and i think, god answered my prayers, because you said 'yes' each time.
I really don't want to leave you. But i know that if i do, i could have that chance at being happy without constantly hurting.
Haha... i'm so confusing aren't i?
You know what? i was so pissed at you yesterday... at registration i mean. Because you saw me, yet you just kept walking. Or maybe you didn't see me, i dunno. But your mom definately saw me. You didn't even say hi. I was so mad so i didn't bother going after you. I think i kinda regret that now... i'm immature. But damn man, that pissed me off so fucking bad. Like... i won't even begin... HAHAHA.
i think i'm hysterical. I don't know whether i should continue crying or whether i should laugh at how stupidly insecure i am.
I know you feel like a jerk everytime you see/hear/know that i'm crying... but, just this once, i don't think you should feel guilty. Because, for once, you deserve to be selfish.
You told me before, that i can irritate you to no end, but you would always care about my well-being. (wow, bad grammer much? that sentence sounded so off. idk, maybe it's right. no clue LOL)
I kinda... i admire that quality you know?
because... you are still able to think clearly when you are irritated at me.
Unlike when i'm mad at you, i don't give a shit until after i calm down then i realize that if something had happened to you, then i wouldn't be able to live with myself.
Oh boy. i think i'm rambling. Are you tired of hearing me talk yet?
HAHA i scrolled up... that's one long ass email. i'm sorry. i know you don't like reading my insanely long and boring emails...
*sigh*
You know what Kelvin?
i guess... what i'm trying to say is...
When i see you again at school.
I want to be able to hug you and smile.
I don't want to lose what we have.
Because i'll tell you honestly right now:
if we ever broke up... i don't think i could continue being your friend. You know me, i tend to hold onto things... and i think it would hurt me too much to watch you move on. I'm a coward aren't i? I flee in the face of pain. How pathetic.
Maybe i'm desperate? idk. possibly. HAHA.
*sigh* (here is where i go horrible cheesy, but it's the damn truth. don't blame me, blame all the authors out there who write those mushy books that i just so happen to love oh-so-much)
I told this to shevon... and she understood what i meant... i'm hoping you do too.
But...
haha...
sorry, but like i know this will sound so VERY incredibly cheesy.
hahaha..
okay i'll just spit it out.
But like,
I love you, you know? :)
I love it when you hug me, because that's the only time that i've ever felt so... secure.
I felt loved you know? hahaha
When you hug me, it feels like everything will be okay. It feels like no matter how much downs we have, we'll pull through.
Do you feel the same way? i don't know. I hope you do.
Hoo boy... i feel like such an idiot right now, but the cornyness doesn't stop here [SPEAKING OF CORN, DID YOU KNOW WALMART IS SELLING 6 CORN COBS FOR A BUCK?!?! =P i want to buy some...]
(haha did the stuff in the brackets remind you of something i would normally say? i hope it did... because as of now, i think i feel so much better after getting all that stuff off my chest... BUT THERE'S MORE TO COME. DOOOOOOOOM~~ XD)[Actually... i think i almost feel HAPPY now .__.]
Hey Kelvin... :)
I'm an idiot for loving you. XD (As many ppl have oh-so-kindly pointed that out to me on several occasions)
but damn man,
i WANT to be an idiot HAHAHAHA.
You know what? i don't give a damn that you're moving away after we graduate. [if i ever give you shit about that again, just remind me about this email and i'll shut the hell up.]
because... i think by then, i will love you enough to accept that fact that this is what you want and i am in no position to stop you.
So... i'm gonna ask you this one thing.
You wanna be an idiot with me? :) because i don't think i'm very lovable either... considering i'm so high maintenence. (WOW HOW THE HELL DO YOU SPELL THAT WORD DX)
This email didn't turn out like anything i was planning.
I thought this email would be all DOOM AND GLOOM but like i guess in the end i kinda reverted back to the old me.
But on a more serious note...
I... fuck this, you know what? i'm not going to lie to you, because you don't deserve that.
I won't understand if you decide to dump me.
Or rather, i'll understand, but i won't be understanding. Did that even make any sense? LMAO.
Because, i don't think i'm ready to get over you yet.
Allow me this one moment of selfishness here. (sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry... i'm a hypocrite. sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry...)
I don't want you to leave. (That tiny bit of hope in my heart is wishing that right now you are thinking about what a complete and total idiot i am for even thinking that you were gonna dump me. but i think i have a strong enough grip on reality to know that this isn't some goddamn fairytale)
Do you hurt too? I want to know so i can make that hurt go away.
Do you know... that i have a picture of us on my computer desk?
Well... it's not only us... it's a picture of you, me, ashley, and logan. It was taken on the night where we were gonna go out to that restaraunt by the sea shore (vancouver trip remember?) We took it out in the hallway just outside our room.
I have another pic of just us two but the bottom of the frame says: 'Live Laugh Love' in bold letters on top of the word 'FRIENDS' and if my dad saw me put the pic of just you and me in there i think he'd take a shotgun and march to your house... (i probably don't need to tell you this, but if you see my dad marching to your house with a gun, please run away XD)
shit. i'm rambling again.
Sorry, i'll try and wrap this up.
ANYWAYS.
POINT IS:
I still love you,
so do you still love me? (i would ask the flower, but i don't want to kill the flower garden by plucking all the petals off)[besides, that stupid flower never tells the truth...damn flower... go burn in hell... on second thought, i think i WILL destroy the flower garden... MWAHAHAHA]
I don't know when you'll read this. But i hope you do read it before school starts. Don't worry, i'm not expecting you to reply to this LMAO. but... if you do read this before school starts...
When you see me... can you give me a hug? :) that is... if you're willing to stay with me that is...
i'd rather not have you hug me then say 'it's over'. Cuz that would be killer. Don't be a murderer. It's bad. EBILS.
So yeah... i guess that wraps up my SUPER-DUPER-LONG email. :)
Sorry for taking up about... 5 min of your time? i dunno how long it takes you to read this. Depends on whether you try to understand me along the way or if you just read it to the end without thinking.
Well...
Nighty night Kelvin... :)


i hope you know this but...
i miss you.

Love you lots,
Puppy-chan




So... i don't know how he will react. I think i cried my heart out yesterday rofl... right now i feel so empty... the only emotion i have right now is fear. fear that we have finally reached the end of our road... i'm terrified. but at the same time. i love him. i trust him to make the right decision...
i hope...