Today, when i was practicing my flute. i started thinking randomly (my mind does that in the middle of songs LOL it just wanders off...) and i started thinking about the future.
Not like 10 years down the road or anything, more like half a year to a year in the future?
Because, i remember my dad asked me what i wanted to do for my 16th birthday and that i had better tell him now so he could plan and shit for me.
It shocked me to say in the least. Like, my parents had never cared to organize any sort of birthday party for me ever (except for the few times that my mom brought cake to my elementary class on my birthday XD).
So i told him that i wanted to go to the WEM waterpark with my friends and he offered to get the tickets and like rent the place for a birthday party (not like the entire waterpark, just like, you know get a spot to the side where u can have cake and shit). and yea he was like 'yea i can do that for you blah blah i get the tickets now blah blah' and i told him that i'd tell him when i had everything thought out.
but then when i was playing my flute, i wondered if it would be better if i could just have like 2 or 3 friends for my 16th birthday. First people who come to mind would be Kelvin, Chris and Shevon. But then i started thinking again. No doubt that me and Shevon will still be friends by then, Chris will always be my friend no matter what so i don't worry about him either. But what about kelvin? Like... his emails are freaking 2 lines now. Its just that we're drifting farther and farther apart and its almost like i'm the only one trying to hold onto his hand to prevent him from drifting away in the current. I've always been the one who had to go the extra mile to make our relationship work and i'm getting tired of it. What if we're not dating by my 16th birthday?
Even though he can be an asshole at time, i still love him. i want him to be there for that special day. I want him to be there every year, hell, i want him to be there for my 18th birthday (that's impossible because he's moving after high school). But like seriously.
What if we don't make it that far?
I don't know why i'm the only one having these insecurities. Like, i don't even know if kelvin gives a shit or not. He doesn't seem fazed by the fact that we're drifting apart. Hell, i asked him once if it felt like we were and he was like 'nope'. Maybe i'm being too sensitive? He never seems to notice when we start to get more and more distant. I'm starting to wonder if he even cares...
Like, am i even special to him?
I don't want to be the only one putting in an effort to save our relationship.
If i didn't love him so goddamn much, i would have put effort into listening to my friends advice to dump him rather than to keep trying to hold onto a relationship that has a freaking expiration date on it.
He says that he sees me different from other people. He tells me that i AM special to him. but i wonder what 'special' means to him.
Like sometimes its obvious he treats me different. and sometimes it's not even in a good way. Like, i'll see him around his friends and he'll be laughing and smiling, but he doesn't laugh or smile as much when he's with me. Is it my fault? and he'll be having fun with his friends and whatever and he'll talk to them without any restraints. but with me its like he's always holding back or something. if this is his definition of 'special', i wish i wasn't so goddamn 'special'.
All i want sometimes is for him to treat me like he would treat any of this other friends. He won't even open up to me. I'll ask about his life and he'll be like 'meh' and won't tell me much. Hell, if i don't ask he doesn't tell me anything at all.
There was this incident in the year where i got really upset. Apparently his class was supposed to go to the theatre to see a play put on by the drama class and he had to miss band. that would've been fine by me if he freaking told me. That day i was late in the morning so i didn't see him. that was fine. In the band room, he wasn't there during the break from block 1-2. That was fine, i thought maybe he was running late. He didn't show up for band. that wasn't fine. i didn't know where the hell he was so i got worried. Mr. whaley didn't know so the first thing he did was automatically ask ME where Kelvin was. I told him i didn't know. Then EUPHEMIA spoke up and said that he was at the theatre watching this drama thing. That made me really upset. why did SHE know and i NOT know? I'm closer to him as a FRIEND dammit (forget me being his gf for a moment here), he claims that he hates her guts and yet she knows but i don't? what is this, some kinda fucked up joke?
That made me so upset. Even now i don't even think Kelvin understands just how close i was to just getting up and leaving.
Like... (Shevon you'll know exactly how i feel in the next paragraph)
Why should i be the only one to put in the effort to keep this relationship going?
This is a fucking 2 man job dammit. I'm only ONE woman. like seriously.
If you don't put in the effort to keep me around, then i won't stick around.
I've already been more tolerant than 99% of the girls out there and you still fucking complain that i'm high matenence? i'm sorry, but i think you are GRAVELY MISTAKEN.
Don't get me wrong though, i'll admit that in some areas, i'm just as bad(if not worse) than other girls. yes, i'm very emotional. yes, i cry a lot. yes, i cry easily. yes, i say a lot of things i don't mean. and yes, i say a lot of mean things without thinking.
But...just...
make me feel like i'm your actual girlfriend dammit...
I don't give a shit that you don't take me on dates.
I don't care that you don't phone me every night.
I don't care that you don't tell me that you love me that often.
I just want to feel special.
Instead of me telling you 'i love you', why don't you say it first for once?
Instead of me asking you whats going on in your life, why don't you tell me before i tell you whats going on in mine?
Instead of me grabbing your hand, why don't you grab mine? because before you know it, that hand will no longer be yours to grab.
I think that the song 'Fallen' by Sarah McLachlan really suits my mood right now. Its a beautiful song with a even more beautiful melody. The lyrics are absolutely amazing too, and sometimes when i listen to this song, i can't help but just sit and think.
Heaven bent to take my hand,
and lead me through the fire.
Be the long awaited answer,
through a long and painful fight.
Truth be told i tried my best,
but somewhere along the way...
i got caught up in all their was to offer...
and the cost was so much more than i could bear...
Though i've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low.
I messed up
Better i should know.
So don't come round here
and tell me i told you so.
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
we believed that we could change ourselves
the past could be undone.
But we carry on our backs the burden
time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal.
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That i've held so dear.
I've fallen,
i have sunk so low
I messed up
Better i should know
So don't come around here,
and tell me i told you so...
Heavent bent to take my hand,
nowhere left to turn.
I'm lost to those i thought were friends
To everyone i know.
Oh they turn their heads embarassed,
pretend that they don't see.
But it's one missed step
one slip before you know it.
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.
Though i've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low.
I messed up
Better i should know.
So don't come round here
and tell me i told you so...
[X2]
To me, the lyrics couldn't be more accurate.
'But it's one missed step, one slip before you know it. And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed'
Yes, that's right. There's only so much that i can take. I can't keep going back to him. Sorry just isn't enough anymore. To me, sorry has just become a word that no longer has meaning. Once you've lost something, it's gone forever. there's no rewinding time and no second chances.
-sigh- sometimes i wonder, has he already resigned to his fate? Since he's moving away in two years, has he already given up any future our relationship might have?
I don't think i will give up. I don't think i will ever give up. Because i believe that if i fight hard enough, i can change that fate. I can change anything i want in this world as long as i don't give up. But... if he's already given up, doesn't that mean that to some extent, he doesn't want our relationship to have a future? i won't pursue something that he doesn't want. because in the end, it will only end up hurting both of us.
I know i'm stupid to hold onto a relationship that's going no where but i can't help it. Right now, i think the only thing that stops me from just walking away is the fact that i love him and that i hope after we graduate, that the 4 years we've been dating will at least mean something to him.
I had this conversation with him once. and i told him what i was hoping. He told me that the 4 years would mean something to him if we made it that far. But honestly, i thought that was a lie. Our relationship is 'just for fun', what makes him think that i'll believe that after 4 years of dating, it'll affect him in any way? Its like you have a toy, but after a while you just get bored and you don't care if you ever see it again.
To be honest, i've tried breaking up with him 3 times already. Each time i failed because i kept coming back to him after he asked me to.
Why did i go back to him? i don't even know.
Like, right now, he's doing the bare minimum to keep me around.
I've had this thought for a while now...
Is it love or lust?
I've noticed that everytime he wants to like makeout or something, he pays more attention to me and treats me the way that i wish he would treat me all the time. But other times, its just like he'll put in as much effort as needed to make sure i don't just dump him.
We had this one argument this one time after jazz band...
i forgot how it even started, but i think that we both had a bad day that day and we were angry at each other... eventually i started crying. He hugged me and kept apologizing because that was the most upset he'd ever seen me ever. i told him how i felt about our relationship, i told him about how it hurt me. and he kept apologizing. i don't remember much about that day (my mind automatically blocks out unplesant memories, i find that it's something i developed to prevent myself from having random emotional breakdowns, although i CAN still remember if i tried to). But the one thing that i did remember was that at one point, he told me he loved me. Speaking truthfully, instead of making me feel better, it hurt me even more. Hell, i wouldn't even let him finish saying it before i cut him off and told him not to say it. I think that at that moment i seemed like such a hypocrite. Cause i'm always complaining about how i want him to say it more, yet at that moment i didn't want to hear it because if heard it, the pieces of my heart would turn to dust. i at least want to be able to have pieces of a heart to put back together rather than small piles of dust.
Lol... sometimes i think that my heart isn't even a heart anymore. there's only so much patching up i can do with glue and duct tape. I bet that if i could see it, it'd be more tape and glue than a heart.
You know...
I think i'll change my wish from today on.
Instead of wishing for forever,
I'm going to wish that he understands me.
Wish that he understands how much i hurt.
Wish that he understands what i want.
Wish that he understands how i feel.
and wish that he will be able to love me as much as i love him.
...
...
but then again, since when did wishes come true?
my last wish took 13 years to happen.
I don't have that kind of time.
Because the day that he put an expiration date on our relationship...
he put an expiration date on my happiness.
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