Feel This

School starts tomorrow.
I'm actually kinda excited, but at the same time, i just feel so...sad.
I don't know why i'm sad, i just... i can't help this feeling. It's almost like i've completely given up on everything.
Well
not THAT sad
but like
It's...
a very subtle melancholy, you know?
like...
it's a depressing feeling that doesn't overwhelm, but it's still there.
I think this melancholy has sprouted from my insecurities about Kelvin.
The stupid dummy still hasn't replied yet. i have no idea if he even got the email. Whatever, i don't care anymore. i'll see him tomorrow so i'll get my answer.
I was listening to one of the songs on my ipod
and like, i actually took the time to listen to the lyrics...
and one part made me feel like i wanted to cry.
It's the song 'Feel This' by Bethany Joy Galeotti
I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't know it.
But...
one part is like:

What if i told you that your tears haven't been ignored?
And everything that was taken can be restored?

-fast forward song-

What if I told you that innocence is yours?
And beauty you have now is brighter than before?

I don't even know why i wanted to cry when i listened to that.
I think everything is starting to remind me about me and kelvin.
dammit
so depressing.
I found that i lie to myself very often.
I lie to myself so that i don't break down.
It was funny when i realized this because i always thought that i was emotionally stronger than most people because of how i grew up.
Turns out once you get past everything, i'm more fragile than ever.
I tell myself that everything will be okay and that whatever happens, will happen.
I tell myself to accept the inevitable and just take it with stride.
But... that just makes me sadder.
I don't know if i'm living in a dream world or reality.
Reality is harsh, i know that much. I also know that there isn't any 'fairy tale ending'. There's hardly ever a 'happily ever after'.
I know this. I've accepted it.
Yet why do i always escape into my dream world?
I'm a dreamer. i'll admit.
When i'm alone. i escape into that dream world that i've created.
The world where i can make things go however i want.
You know what scares me?
I've found that i spend more time in my dream world than in reality.
I need to get a grip.
Haha. you know what randomly popped into my mind just now?
I have these moments
like, it's just really weird.
where... everything goes blank
and the only thing i can think of is:
I'm alive.
and like, it feels like my body is foreign to me.
And then i think 'i have a body to control'
And for a second, i forget how to move.
I rarely have those moments anymore.
I remember when i was in junior high i would have them all the time.
But it still amazes me.
I'm alive.
I'm a human being.
Like... have you ever thought about how effortless it is to just MOVE?
You don't even have to think about it.
If you want to type something, you type it.
You don't tell your hands to 'move' or to 'type that letter'
it just happens.
It's amazing.
Oh wow, i think i'm having one of those moments again.
haha.
i hope i don't suddenly space out at work... (gotta leave in 5 min btw)
oh boy...
stupid cold.
I managed to get rid of my sore throat in a day...
don't know how long my plugged nose will last...
shit
gotta go
i blog later.