Emotion.

-sigh-
i think today was the first time in a long time that i've actually been upset at him.
Well, long time being about the entire month up until today.
Like... i told him before. I told him that if he has to ditch me, then fine, at least give me a day's worth notice.
Today, he decided to tell me in the morning: 'oh btw, i can't spend lunch with you'
You can't spend lunch with me 3 days of the week and now you're cutting the time down even more?
Jeez.
And he's ditching me on friday to practice his solo again too.
It's not that i don't understand... like i know kelvin has to work on things to make them perfect, but like... it still irks me.
Actually, i'm kinda relieved that it still makes me upset because if i wasn't upset, that would mean that i stopped caring.
I don't want to stop caring.
But
on the bright side
he actually seemed visibly upset and sorry for not telling me ahead of time.
Usually he's just like 'oh yeah, sorry' and then pretends nothing happened.
I fucking HATE it when he does that.
-sigh-
i dunno. am i expecting too much?
i just want to spend time with him. and it doesn't help that he can't spend any time with me outside of school. Like honestly, what kind of relationship is this?
To be honest, everytime i tell someone that i'm dating, they're always like 'oh! so you guys must go on dates a lot since you're still together!' and each time, i always reply 'no, not really. he hasn't taken me out on one single date'
I'm not surprised at the number of shocked reactions that i get.
Amusingly enough, even though in their head they picture a nice guy, after i tell them that he's never taken me on a date, they all suddenly hate him LOL.
well, not really hate him. iunno, they tell me to leave him. does that count as hate?
But... i guess his 'kind poi poi' phase is still going. He seems to care more i guess...
more than i remember? or maybe it was because over the summer i kinda forgot how things felt like and now it seems like such a big change from nothing.
I'm actually kind of surprised...
he laughs more around me now. And frankly, he's taken a liking to playing pranks on me.
English class is hell. He sits behind me and you know what he does all class? he tries to make me scream by poking me. Brin sits in front of me and she's given me weird looks more often than naught because of him.
humm...
i don't know whether to be upset or apathetic about this.
Like, it's not like he hasn't ditched me before, but at the same time, i'm angry that he doesn't seem to mind that we don't spend as much time together.
Like really. He's freaking in high school, let the kid live his own life man. 99% of the kids i know don't even have to ask their parents if they can go somewhere anymore. they just say 'oh hey mom, i'm going to this place blah blah and i'll be back at blah blah, okay bi!'
that works doesn't it?
jeezus christ.
Even i can do that now, and like considering my parents that's a pretty impressive feat.
i really hate it when i reflect upon my relationship. Because it depresses me.
It's depressing how disfunctional it is.
So here i am, dating a guy for 2 and a half years and yet he's never taken me out on a single date. other people on the other hand, go on lots of dates yet hardly any last more than 1 year.
Messed up no?
It's just...
augh i don't know how to explain it.
Like... i'm so confused.
one minute i'm happy, the next i'm mad. It's driving me insane.
and then, there are those times (omfg this drives me crazy every time) where i WANT to be mad at him, and i can't help but be happy.
Sometimes, i wish he didn't know me so well. Maybe then i could stay mad at him instead of him making me laugh.
-sigh-... why DO i love him anyways?
idunno...
like
two days ago, my teacher said something that actually made me kinda scared.
he told us that love was all in our heads. we THINK we love someone because we are attatched to them. when we are physically attatched to someone, we claim to love them even though we don't really. For example, you could kiss someone and think that you love them, but you don't. You just don't want to be alone. No one wants to be alone. Same thing with best friends. Are they really your best friend? what is a best friend? You only call that person your best friend because you hang out with them a lot and you talk a lot. But fact to the matter is, it's probably only because there's no one else to hang out with.
That seemed to strike a chord in me.
Do i love him? or am i just afraid of being alone?
I know i have a phobia of being alone. I've known this since elementary. (don't ask why i did a psycho analysis of myself in elementary. i was just REALLY REALLY depressed)
Do i love kelvin? or am i clinging to him?
Like... i've said this in my old blogs but... what the hell is love supposed to feel like anyways?
because truthfully... i don't know what it is.
i feel nothing towards my family.
Like... even though if i think of them dying, i will cry but when i cry... i feel nothing. i feel empty.
It's like my brain does what the normal reaction would be yet i don't feel the same way.
But... at the same time, i know that i wouldn't want my family to die.
It's strange... i always feel so empty.
Even when i'm laughing and smiling... i feel... kinda empty.
The only emotion that i think i've ever felt strongly is probably hate and anger.
I don't know...
i'm a different person around ppl than i am when i'm alone.
Around people i put up a facade... maybe that's why i don't feel anything.
Sometimes i'm laughing on the outside and yet inside i feel so alone.
You know that feeling when you're all alone in the dark?
not the pleasant feeling mind you, the bad feeling.
It's kinda like that.
except it feels like i've been swallowed into a void and everything is dead.
i... don't feel anything.
is that an issue?
Like... i guess it's the same thing with kelvin.
Just imagining him die or leave me... i cry just by even thinking about it. Yet... even though tears are falling, i don't feel anything. Sadness maybe, but is that sadness from losing someone i love? or is it sadness for being all alone again?
Human beings are selfish people. In the end, all we care about is ourselves. We are only kind to other people because we need company to survive. We aren't kind to them because we want to be. We are kind to them because we don't want to be alone or because we want to seem kind to others.
I'm different than what i act like. i'm not a kind person at all.
Truth be told, i'm mean. I criticize others because i can't stand someone being better. I like company only because i fear being singled out and picked on. I prefer to sit alone in the dark rather than go outside and live my life.
I like solitude when i'm away from others.
When there's no one around me. i like being alone.
because when i'm alone, i can be me. and no one will hate me for me.
They say our desires reflect the kind of person we are.
What are my desires?
it quite simply really. Simple, yet impossible.
I wish i had wings.
I wish that i could fly away from it all when i want to.
I wish that i could fly and go see the beautiful sceneries of the world.
I desire freedom.
a life with nothing and no one to tie me down.
a life of solitude where there is only me and nature.
Where man has not messed up the balance of the world.
hmmm...
this has nothing to do with the current topic but i feel like writing a bit about it.
Maybe because at this point i don't really care what anyone thinks anymore.
i've told my mom and dad that they are bad parents before.
I was really upset that day and that was the day where we decided that i needed to go see a psychiatrist/counselor whatever you want to call it.
Do you know why i said that to them?
not because i was angry and i said that just to hurt them.
But because up until then, i actually truly did feel that way.
I hated my parents for making my life miserable.
If you look in my diary, you can see that i've actually written multiple entires that go on for a few pages about how much i hate them.
I hateed how they always argued. I hated it even more that they would always argue in front of me. they didn't even bother to hide it. and quite honestly, it felt like they were arguing in front of me purposely just to try to win me over to their side, because each time, my mom would always go on and on about how bad my dad treated her and how hard she has to work for the family and blah blah blah.
Like really?
I couldn't say anything then. But now is different.
Back then, all i could do was cry.
Now i don't cry anymore.
instead, i tell them to shut up.
parents are supposed to raise their children to be good people.
parents are supposed to love their children.
If trying to use your child as a tool is your way of showing love. then i don't fucking want it.
maybe that's why i feel so empty?
Like...
even now
the nicer part of me is saying that even though they did all that stuff, they still love me, they care for me and want the best for me. yet the selfish part of me still hates them for what they did.
You know what?
i actually kind of find this amusing now that i think about it.
When i was little, i knew my parents weren't fighting because of me, yet everytime i would always run up into my room after and then just scream into my pillow. I kept apologizing to God over and over saying that it's all my fault. Now THAT is amusing to me right now.
I guess it's amusing because i prayed to God of all people.
Like really, to me, i don't think there is a god.
if there was a god, then he sure ain't all that merciful.
now that i think about it...
i...actually kind of hate myself.
I hate the kind of person i am.
hm.
interesting.
i guess i should stop this blog here today.
i guess i have a lot to think about tonight.


Did you learn something new about me?