I just want.

i hate this.
i honestly fucking hate this. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Starting from last friday, it feels like i don't even know myself... and it feels like everyone hates me.
Last friday i spazzed out at LD because everyone wouldn't shut the hell up. It was so goddamn noisy and like we were learning "Conquering the battlefield" and i was trying to help alice since she was the only person who didn't seem to get it. but it was so DAMN noisy and like i just snapped. i started yelling at them to shut the hell up because i couldn't even hear myself yelling over thier stupid noise. Like really, if you got the drum pattern, at least allow others the chance to achieve the same. Don't be selfish and take away that chance. Have some respect for your peers and just SHUT THE FUCK UP. iunno... like... i felt bad afterwards for yelling like that but they deserved it. however, i will admit that the way i went about telling them to be quiet was disrepectful as well and totally uncalled for so i feel quite bad about it.
Bah... i guess it was after that incident that everything started to go downhill.
We couldn't play anything in band and like whaley had to cut out one song from our concert because some people couldn't play it at all. and like it mad me really mad. He told us since the first day we got 'Mars' that we would be playing it. and we knew there were some challenging parts and yet no one worked on them. so in the end, whaley got pissed and just cut it. Like really, it's always the same people who can't get it and it makes me so mad. Put some effort into this. Everyone else did so why don't you? and like... i spent my time to work out the part, and i learned it so i could play it. i have just as many hard parts as you if not more. and like... even the songs that we ARE playing in the concert, i don't even think that we play them very well. Some parts are muddy and some just plain messy. Not to mention we always speed up or slow down and are never consistant with our tempo.
-sigh- and plus, i forgot to wash my cup 2 classes in a row and i feel bad about making whaley clean up after me.
ugh
Londonderry's Concert was terrible. The music wasn't terrible, it was just... the people and atmosphere i guess.
i don't even think i will attend any more londonderry concerts after this one. i hate sitting between euphemia and kelvin.
all they did was bitch about how stupid the kids were and how horrible they played.
IF THEY'RE SO FUCKING HORRIBLE, THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME TO THE CONCERT.
and kelvin, like seriously, what the fuck?
i understand that you are the more critical type, but really now, don't keep spouting mean comments every 3 seconds. and it doesn't help that you kept saying the F bomb while there were CHILDREN behind us. children about 4-7 years old. grow up. seriously. They are grade 7's okay? they're NEW to this, they haven't been at it for 5 years like we have, stop criticizing them using our standards. it's like criticizing a 3 year old for not drawing 3-D objects. THEY DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO. THEY'RE NEW AT IT. THEY DON'T HAVE EXPERIENCE.
and even i had some criticism, but at least i kept them to myself. keep in mind that THEY AREN'T US. at least tolerate them. don't go and call them stupid and insult them. and yes i can understand you wanting to punch some of them for ordering you around and talking back to you, but the others didn't do anything, so if you're going to critique, do it correctly and only on one person.
ugh. like fuck
and then halfway through, kelvin just got up and went to go stand with mike at the back and left me sitting in the front with euphemia.
he didn't come back until the very end.
what am i? some last minute thought? fuck you, i'm not a person that you should remember at the last minute. i don't know why i bother. and you even DARE to come back and ask me 'What's wrong?'
don't ask me that stupid question when it's so fucking obvious what the hell is wrong.
and don't ask me if i'm 'still mad' either because i'm pretty sure that's obvious as well.
I hate everyting right now. i'm so upset. i spent an hour and a half in the shower crying. and i still feel like crying.
you know what upset me the most?
well, actually i don't know WHY this upset me the most, but like
when i was sitting in the front with euphemia, she said: 'jeez, when is kelvin coming back? you're so boring'
excuse me? this is a concert. people came to LISTEN. not to talk and insult other people. SORRY for not talking to you while they were playing their music. SORRY for not agreeing with your insults. SORRY for not contributing in your 'hating' of londonderry's music program.
I said this before and i'll say it again: GROW UP.
don't stay so fucking immature.
you two always complain about justin and jesse not helping and stuff and i agree with you that they need to help and grow up as well. but you are no better when you act like this. and to be honest, when you act like this, i feel like i hate you.
i feel like i don't know you and i feel like shooting myself.
people were staring at us for crying out loud.
they were looking at us when kelvin and euphemia were passing around disses.
why should I get lumped in with them when i did not contribute to thier conversation, and even disapproved of their actions?
WHY?
ugh. just... ugh.
i hate this.
i hate everything right now.
i want to scream, and cry, and scream some more.







i just want it to end.