Bittersweet.

Today was okay...
but... honestly, at the very end of the day, i felt like crying.
So, me and kelvin and christine were the last to leave the band room.
and when christine is busy doing all the last minute stuff, kelvin pulls me aside to talk to me.
and he asked me if i was 'okay' and told me that he 'didn't mean it that way' and i actually felt a bit better.
and then he said something that made me want to cry harder than before.
he told me 'i just don't want it to get serious'.
i'm sorry, what did you say?
is this... just a fling to you? i understand that you don't want something crazy serious like 'marry-me' serious, but...still.
i thought i was over the fact that you were going to leave after graduation. i thought i had accepted that fact. apparently i didn't.
I don't want to be wasting my time. If this is just a fling to you, then please, tell me so i can at least get the 'heart-break' over with and move on to someone who is actually willing to let this relationship go somewhere.
argh... it's just... that's not what i want to say...
you have no idea, when you said that to me, exactly how i felt.
it felt like someone had driven something into my heart and started twisting it.
and the stupid thing was, after that, you asked if i was okay again and i just laughed and said yes.
i can't do this anymore. i don't want to do this.
i don't understand. How can you even do this?
how are you able to be so heartless as to say 'i love you', yet not mean a word of it and not even take something like this seriously?
what, you don't want for our relationship to go anywhere for fear that you won't be able to just get up and leave?
fuck... i mean... do you know how much it hurts to just LISTEN to you say that?
to know that someone so close and precious to you will just get up and leave after a certain amount of time. it kills me on the inside. it really does.
and to think that this means nothing to you at all...
what am i supposed to do?
you told me to 'just enjoy the moment'
i'm sorry, you just ruined 'the moment' the minute you told me that this wasn't going anywhere and that i was wasting my time.
how are you able to do that?
how are you so heartless, that you could just get up and leave after so much?
how are you so heartless, that you are able to just talk about it casually?
how are you so heartless, that you are able to still continue on even after knowing that i don't want just a 'fling'?
Maybe i was expecting too much from you.













Thanks for breaking my heart.