FML.

So.
i'm determined to figure out what the hell is really bothering me. cause if i figure this out, then at least i can tell kelvin and if things go downhill from there, then whatever, at least he knows.
i'm still kinda thinking it's the whole 'what if he doesn't love me' kinda thing. idunno. could be, maybe not.
or maybe it's because i'm jealous?
because on friday, he promised to help me with my essay, and instead, he shoved my essay to the side to help melissa for the entire class with her essay even though she got 81% which is the second highest mark after kelvin (83%)
grah. now that i think about it, that could be it. but that hurt me more than it made me mad i guess... it proves how little the promises he makes to me means to him. the fact that he would just brush it off like that and completely forget about it while helping someone else out who doesn't need the help as much as i do makes me feel like i don't matter.
you know that feeling where you feel like you're just there for a 'back up'? yeah, that's how i feel.
and i already talked about the londonderry concert and how i was kinda a 'last minute thought'.
But... it makes me so upset.
Maybe that's it.
maybe it's because i don't want to be treated like a back up anymore.
Just because i'm always there doesn't mean that i always will be.
i'm so very tempted to skip school and see if he even cares. besides, we can't exempt on attendence anymore so who cares?
wahh... i need to talk to chris T____T
maybe chris can help me.
blaarrgghh... CHRIS, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, CAN YOU TALK TO ME AT LUNCH TMRW T____T
ah who am i kidding, i probably posted this blog too late... oh well, i guess i can always talk to him in band... and jass band.
-sigh- but...
i've told him that so many times though.
i've told him time and time again that i won't be there forever.
i don't think it's registering with him.
i want to make him realize that i'm not something he should take for granted.
because first of all, he's the one who is leaving after we graduate. HE'S the one who put a time limit on our relationship. HE'S the one who doesn't put any effort into our relationship to begin with.
GAH. for crying out loud, this doesn't even SEEM like a relationship.
what do you call it when a guy and a girl are 'together' but never spend time together outside of school and he never calls her and even IN school he doesn't even make her feel loved?
what do you call that?
i call it a shitty relationship. Maybe you agree?
maybe it's the time of season getting to me...
just looking at the snow and thinking of winter break makes me so upset because of the memories of last year...
god, that was so fucked up. not even joking.
last year, you know what he did?
ugh, i'm not even sure i want to type it up.
fuck.
last year
on the last day of school before winter break.
we exchanged gifts.
what did he do?
he rejected my gift and started yelling at me.
right in front of the office where a lot of people are.
now, can you say that i have no reason to be angry?
stupid thing is, i still have the gift from last year.
that's money wasted right there.
fucking hells.
i'm not even going to get him a christmas gift this year.
screw that.
and to make things even worse,
i planned a get together at the last week of winter break
and so i invited everyone
and out of courtesy i invited kelvin too, but i didn't plan for him to come because he didn't come to any of the gatherings i planned throughout the holidays.
i didn't even WANT to invite him because truthfully, i was planning to break up with him as soon as we got back to school.
yeah. he shows up.
and i was PISSED.
because first of all, he had NO RIGHT to just suddenly show up after just blowing off all the other get togethers. second of all, he acted like nothing ever happened.
he was all 'smiles and happiness'.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
so you show up, after yelling at me in front of possible a quarter of the school and after rejecting my gift, and then pretend like it never happened?
what are you, fucking insane?
and he had the NERVE to act like he missed me so much.
how rich. you liar.
so while we're in front of people we don't know, then you get mad at me.
but in front of all our friends, you never look anywhere else but me and just smile?
oh come on, stop bullshitting me. you even dare to joke and tease me like a first date? (which by the way, HAS NEVER HAPPENED ONCE IN 2 YEARS AND 7 MONTHS)
i don't know what you enjoy more. ruining my holidays or just slowly killing me on the inside.
ugh. you know what?
tmrw, i'll just tell him.
tell him that i'm in a sour mood because of what happened last year. i'm angry that he takes me for granted, and i'm upset because despite all of this crap i've gone through, i STILL love him (god knows why) and he possibly doesn't even care.












FML.