its strange because it keeps going it loops.
I believe that i am still considered immature, however, can i not also be considered mature for admitting that i am still immature? (LOLL did that make sense?)
its like, i'm mature for admitting that i'm immature. Or am i immature for thinking i'm mature?
But then again, it could be both. It could be that i'm still immature, but i'm mature enough to the point where i know that i am still immature in this world.
Then that makes me think. Even some adults are immature in this world. And there are some children who are more mature than they should be.
I was told by my therapist, my boy friend, and even my own mother that when i'm not being childish, i am way too mature for my own age.
When i heard it, it kinda made me laugh bitterly inside.
Whose fault was it that i became like this?
I grew up in a household where hostility hung in the air constantly. I grew up as a tool that was used to make the other parent suffer.
Looking back on my childhood, it made me think. Why did my parents constantly argue in front of me? As a parent i believe that you should love your child with all your heart. When you love someone, you wouldn't want to put them in pain. Yet my parents fought in front of my eyes almost all the time...and it hurt. It honestly hurt a lot.
It kinda makes me laugh at how blissfully ignorant i was back then. Every night i would stand up on my bed and look out the window and make a wish on the very first star i saw. I think subconsciously, i still do wish every night when i lay there waiting for sleep to come.
Star light, Star bright.
First star i see tonight.
I wish i may; I wish i might,
Have the wish i wish tonight?
Everynight i would wish for the same thing. And goddamit, it took freaking 13 years for my wish to come true. It took 13 fucking years for me to have a normal family, and now that family is breaking apart again.
I remember my dad used to take me out to visit his uncle or something and in the car he would talk to me about his life and his problems. It makes me laugh now that i think about it. My dad talking to a 7 year old kid about his problems? lol much? he used to always say 'but i'm glad that you're still young, because it doesn't make sense to you right now. I know it hurts you to see us fighting but i can't explain it to you at this age. You'll understand when you get older'.
Understand when i get older?
don't underestimate me. I'm smarter than you think. i understand perfectly well what's happening. Its not like he's the only one who releases steam on me. My mom does it too. She tells me all the horrible stuff my dad has done to her and what my grandma (on my dad's side) does to manipulate her and shit. And honestly, i would always have 3 thoughts going through my head during those times.
1) manipulate you? i'm sorry, but could you stop hallucinating? you only THINK they were trying to do that because things did not go they way YOU wanted it to. Therefore you blame others for your misfortunes. I know because i've seen you do it so many times in the 15 years i've been alive.
2) It's not fair that you have to suffer so much. I know how you grew up. You never had a home and you would always move around so friends came and went. Not to mention you were the second oldest in the family and a lot of the household responsibilites fell on your shoulders. If anything, i think that you deserve so much more in life, and i'm sorry that i'm such a horrible daughter.
3) Despite everything though. this is my fucking life. If something bad happened to you, DON'T DRAG ME INTO IT. i'm just a fucking kid dammit. Don't try to make me hate my relatives just because you want to cause them pain. I'm not a tool. i'm your fucking daughter. Let me love my relatives the way they love me.
My mom usually yells at me everyday because she says i never do anything around the house. She always asks me why should she have to suffer and clean and cook everyday while everyone else never helps.
I'll admit that i should be helping around the house more. I'll admit that we should be more grateful to have her around. I'll admit that we take her for granted. and I'll admit, that she's gotta be one of the strongest woman alive to have been able to hold on for so goddamn long.
But sometimes it makes me so mad.
Even though i don't do as much as my mom does, i still help out. I go grocery shopping with her every time because her body is too weak to carry lots of heavy stuff. I help fold the laundry and occasionally even wash the clothes. I vaccum when she asks me to and i wash dishes when she tells me to. I do most things she asks me to and yet i still get yelled at because 'i don't do anything for the house'.
like HELL i don't do anything for the house. what about my brother? all he ever does is go to work and then go hang out somewhere with his friends. He freaking goes out and wastes money on shit. Honestly, who needs jeans that cost like $200? who needs a sweater that costs $100? and then when i tell HIM to go with my mom grocery shopping, he bitches like it's the end of the world. he won't even fold his own fucking clothes!! who does it? I HAVE TO.
WHY.THE.FUCK.SHOULD.I.HAVE.TO.FOLD.HIS.FUCKING.CLOTHES?
HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER TO GO PICK OUT HIS CLOTHES.
he buys what he wants on his own time. and when my mom goes out to buy him clothes, i usually end up picking most of it because my bro hates my mom's fashion sense.
like seriously. fml.
But still...
i love my mom very much. I don't know what i'd do without her. I know i'm not the best daughter in the world, but i can't imagine what life would be like without her. Even thinking about it makes me tear up. She's not the best mom in the world, but i admire her. Though she has experienced pain and suffering that no one should have to go through, she still manages to smile and laugh everyday. And even though she complains that we never help out around the house and threatens to just up and leave one day, she always sticks around and makes sure that we have food to eat and clean clothes to wear.
I really should be a more grateful daughter.
I guess that's one thing i can work towards.
I really admire my dad too. He's the one who taught me that you shouldn't hold on to every single bad thing that has happened to you. Now, when i look at my dad, i can truly see that he lives with a constant pain. He knows how much fighting with my mom has hurt me and my brother and he truly feels terrible for it. i guess thats why he always tries to be a big part of our lives? I think he feels like he's the reason that we live the life we do.
And yet, he's always there too.
I won't deny. Even though i know my mom exaggerates about how much my dad has hurt her in the past, she has rubbed off on me. I treat my dad like dirt without realizing it. He comes home and says hi to me and all i do is grunt and ignore him. (but i'm proud to say i'm trying to fix that. i at least make an effort to say hi back now)
My dad constantly takes the blame for everything that goes wrong in the household because he feels like if he shoulders the burden, then things will pass much easier. In a sense it does. But i get mad when i think about it. he takes the blame for something even when he had nothing to do with it. I get so upset because i think: why aren't you standing up for yourself? why are you letting people blame you for something you didn't do?
My dad gives really good advice. His looks are deceiving. He looks so carefree but when you REALLY look at him, you can tell everything is starting to take it's toll on him.
I think my dad knew that i wanted to ask him those questions cause sometimes out of the blue he'd say: 'it doesn't matter whose fault it is. and it doesn't matter who you blame. Don't remember every little thing that has ever gone wrong in your life. Just forgive and forget. If you hold onto the bad memories, your life will be miserable no matter what you do. but if you let it go, you will find that life will be much happier. Regardless, whatever i do is always considered wrong by your mom in some way. You do, you damn; you don't, you damn. So what can i do? Just forgive and forget. Despite what it seems, i still love her very much.'
I always stay quiet after he says something like that. i think he misunderstands my silence and thinks i don't understand. but it's quite the opposite. i understand, and i just don't know what to say back. How can i apologize? no amount of apology could make up for all the years of silent pain he went through as we were growing up. Now that i think about it, my dad is a very strong man.
I guess he and my mom kinda do match. He's a strong man, and she's a strong woman.
It kinda terrifies me though.
I don't want to become like either my mom OR my dad.
They have their good points but i don't want to be like either of them. i want to be ME.
Thinking about my relationship with kelvin, it scares me to think that we could have the potential to be like my parents. (or his parents... >.<)
Like even now, me and kelvin have very explosive arguments where both of us end up saying things we don't really mean. But we always make up in the end. What if we stop making up? what if it's just argument after argument after argument? If by that time we're still together (assuming i don't just get up and leave) what will happen? i swore to myself when i was little that i would never make my children go through what i did in my childhood. But what if they do? it would be my fault.
I guess, even though the thought kinda terrifies me, i wish that we would become like HIS parents.
Sure, they argue sometimes too, but you can plainly see the love there is. or rather, the companionship. They're not completely dependant on each other. They each live separate lives, but when it boils down to it, they're the support that keeps each other going. (well, at least that's what my take on their relationship is anyways from what i've seen.)
-sigh- what a depressing blog. i guess the stress from the last few days are getting to me. Everything was going fine and then my parents kinda got into a silent disagreement about how to build the deck (such a stupid reason) and they haven't talked to each other since. I guess it kinda reminded me of my childhood and all the bitter feelings resurfaced. But, now that it's all out of my system, i can bottle up those feelings and shove them into the dark recesses of my mind once again :)
but i guess the overall thing that still remains a fact and will always be a fact is...
despite everything that has happened to us, i love my family more than anything in the world... (excluding poi poi XD i love him just as much)
Moral of the story?
You can say how much you hate your family all you want, but when you actually get to the bottom of all those feelings, you realize that there will always be a part of your heart that loves them with every fiber of your body.
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