First Blog

Hum...
i guess i decided to start a blog because lately there's been so much on my mind to the point where i've been having trouble sleeping at night.
Mostof the things on my mind aren't very important though. i find that i'm usually more bothered by the small details rather than the large, more significant things.
Surprisingly, for my first blog, i want to get the biggest thing off my chest first.
I've realised that i've been bouncing this question around in my head for the past year and a half and still i have no answer.
What is love?
yes, laugh all you want. i don't really give a shit what you think.
But seriously. How do you know you're in love? what does it feel like?
i know that it sounds ridiculous coming from me, especially since i always claim to love my bf more than anything in the world. But it's strange.
I've asked my bf what love was before (well, maybe i didn't exactly phrase it that way but it's close enough), and he told me this:
'I don't know what it is. But i DO know that whenever i see you, i get this really warm feeling and it spreads to every part of my body. When i see you, it's like there's only you and me and nothing else. When i see you sad, it breaks my heart and i quite literally feel a sharp pain in my chest. The very thought of you being hurt is enough to cause me pain.'
And that made me wonder (panic would be a more accurate word).
I want to be able to say that i love him. I truly believe that i do.
But... i don't get that feeling that he describes. When i see him, there's no outstanding emotion.
There's no intense joy whatsoever. I don't know. In that moment i guess i'm too distracted. I'm too caught up in the moment. Now that i think back on it, when i remember him finally arriving or something, i can't remember anything other than him. It's like my whole being was focused on him simply coming through the door. Yet there was no outstanding emotion. But still it was like my whole world stopped just for him.
I don't feel a constant warmth in my chest. I don't get a feeling of joy from the simple fact of remembering he loves me.
But still, i think i am able to say i do love him.
When i see him in pain, i do feel a deep pain in my heart and i want to cry for him. I can't even think about him in pain without tearing up. I can't even imagine what my life would be like if he wasn't there to show me support and give me the courage to face every day head on. He makes me happy and when i see him i wonder how i was lucky enough to have found him. Seeing him smile for me and only me gives me a feeling of happiness that rivals no other feeling. Even though it's a cliche, i think i must say it because the words ring so true: he completes me. When he hugs me it feels like i'm in the one place where the world can't touch me; it feels like i'm safe; it feels like home.
I want him in my life. I need him in my life.
But what if it's not love? i realized that before i met him i was actually very lonely. I had lots of friends but still, i was so empty and sad. It was about sometime then that i became depressed (and it took me about 6 months after i started dating him that he convinced me to go to see a therapist >.>). But then he came into my life. I was so happy. To think that someone loved me for who i really was. He broke down my defenses and he was the first person to truly get a glimpse at who i really am. He knew how much i was hurting and he was the first person to offer their support and love. He let me know that i shouldn't be afraid of who i really am.
What if i only think i love him when really he's just my one lifeline to sanity? Is our relationship based off of love or is it just a habit? Do i really love him or am i just keeping him around because i can't bear the thought of being alone?
I don't know. I don't know the answers to any of these questions. All i know is that i want to believe that i love him.
But life has proved time and time again that it doesn't care what i want.
So i can only hope.
Hope that i'm worrying for no reason.
Hope that he loves me as much as i think he does.
Hope that i love him as much as i think i do.
Hope that we'll make it to forever.