I don't know.
This came to me after i re-read my last blog and i kinda tossed the idea around while i was exercising.
To someone who doesn't know me too well, from reading my previous blog, they would have assumed that the feelings i have towards him are more of that of a best friend.
Could it be?
I won't deny. I admit that he is my best friend. He is my closest friend. Yet, he is also my boy friend.
I realize now that i kinda lied in the last blog. Its not true that i don't feel any kinda of outstanding emotion. I do feel happiness. And if i really think about it, i do feel happy knowing that he loves me. But the thing is, it's a dulled happiness. its kinda like: been there, done that. It's a fact. Don't get me wrong. i AM genuinely happy he loves me. i think it's just, either a) after knowing that for the past 2 years it's starting to dull down a bit or b) i still dont quite believe it.
I'd say it's a combo of both. I mean, if YOU were a girl and had low self esteem and felt like you had to put up a facade so that people would like you, wouldn't you find it disbelieving that another human being (a guy no less) loved you for who you were?
actually, now that i put it that way, it does kinda seem unbelieveable....
Something my female best friend told me really made me think. She told me that her piano teacher thought of her husband as a best friend too.
That made me wonder: is it so bad that my feelings for him might be more of those of a best friend?
like, if you think about it, wouldn't you rather marry someone you feel like is your best friend rather than marry someone you love but you can't really be at ease with them like you can with a best friend?
But then again, i still think my feelings for him go beyond that of a best friend.
If he died, i would probably die too.
That isn't a complete lie. nor am i exagerating (sp?) either.
I admit, i would be too cowardly to just straight forward suicide. I am human, i fear pain, what do you expect? but then again, if he died, it would be like my soul died. I would be an empty shell and i don't doubt that i would eventually waste away. I would be alive physically, but at the same time i would be dead. So either way, in the end, i do end up dead.
But then i worry, maybe his feelings have changed over the past year?
the quote i put in my last blog was something that he told me a year ago, before we entered high school.
When we entered high school, everything changed. I don't know. I think it was that summer transition that put a gap between us. He went to toronto to visit and when he came back he changed. I could tell from the emails that he was different. He began talking about how he loved it there and how he was going there for university after he graduated and how he already had a house and was going to live there.
Needless to say, it broke my heart. I don't know if he knows it. i've tried explaining to him, but he doesn't seem to understand.
He doesn't understand that it kills me to just listen to him talk about leaving me so casually without really giving it a second thought. It made me feel like i meant nothing to him and that i'm just some chick he keeps around for benefits.
And so i asked him what our relationship was a few months ago. When i explained how upset i was that he was leaving, he told me something that i can't seem to forget even to this day.
I asked him if our relationship meant and i asked him if he thought that it was for fun.
He responded with:
"Well yeah, what else would it be?"
That broke my heart.
and it was all downhill from there.
We eventually got mad at each other and started arguing. He told me that he didn't want to waste his life doing nothing and that he wanted to make something of himself.
Now when i think back on it, i admit i did not approach the topic like i should have.
It is only now, 3 months after our 2 year anniversary that i realize this: i was upset because he was leaving me. He put a time limit on our relationship and after that time limit expired, he would throw me away casually like i meant nothing to him. He claimed that he wouldn't do that but i was bitter. Even now, i have a hard time admitting this one fact: all i wanted was for him to take me with him. I don't want to be alone.
Lately though, things have gotten better. We don't fight as much and its almost like when we first started dating again.
I am still resentful at him though. i wish i wasn't. i hate myself for being mad at him. i resent the fact that he is going to leave me. I even asked him to take me with him. he never did give me an answer to that question.
Sometimes i wonder how i've held on for so long. Everyone tells me to dump him. How can i do that? I love him and he's my best friend. i don't want to lose that friendship, nor do i want to lose his love. (that is IF he even loves me)
In the 2 years and 3 months that we've been dating, never once has he taken me out on a date. We never see each other in the summer unless its a friend gathering and even still, he rarely attends any get togethers that i plan. He doesn't sign on msn to talk to me because he says it's too hot in his room for him to actually sit there long enough for even a 10 min convo on msn. This year i made him promise to send me an email every week. The first week, he made an effort to send me a long email. but then it started to dwindle down to nothing. Now his emails are merely 5 sentences or less.
I don't know. am i wrong to be upset?
And i being stupid by holding onto something that obviously is not working out?
am i wrong for loving him?
I can't understand. I don't understand.
...I wish i understood...
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