Oh my, i should really be doing my English oral presentation prep right now but i can't seem to find the will to do it LOL. thank god the school computers still let me use blogger though. i should really try to see if fanfiction.net is still available here, but i think the last time i checked it was blocked :(
bleeaahhh... the past few days have been weird... i'm not even sure i want to blog about it because i've been having weird mood swings ( i blame PMS). i go from incredibly confused and hurt to feeling so peaceful and content with my life that i could die without any regrets. it's quite an odd feeling really. and i've realized so much about myself over the past few days that it's incredible. Like, i've come to realize that i don't really know what it is that i am truly afraid of. like... i'm scared of things like ants crawling up my leg and being alone and stuff... but that's only small fears. I can live with them and they're really not that bad. But i have yet to figure out what it is that truly terrifies me. even though i probably don't want to find out what it is, i can't help but feel morbidly curious. What if it's something ridiculous? what if it's something so incredibly terrifying that i wished i had never found out? yeah... well, that's my 'fears' rant right there haha. not much of a rant if i do say so myself. XD
hmmm what else...? ooooohh, i've also rediscovered my love for books :) this is dumb because i'm not talking to anyone in particular and i'm very well aware that this blog is an inanimate (sp?) object but i'm going to phrase it as a question anyways: do you remember those days when i was younger where i would spend hours on end pouring over piles and piles of books? when i could go through 6 or 7 chapter books in one day and still be craving for more? (who am i kidding, no one knows that about me because no one's ever bothered to get to know me well enough)
yeah... i've apparently rekindled my long lost love for books :) i had forgotten how amazing it was to read a book and suddenly find yourself surrounded by a world uknown simply by a few words on a page. Lately, i've taken to daydreaming more often (or fantasizing, whatever floats your boat. but not fantasizing in a...perverted way LOL) and my imagination is back to where it was years before. haha... i don't know why i'm saying this but my level of imagination has kinda gone back to when i was obsessed with fire emblem for the first time. haha it makes me laugh to think back on it, like, i daydreamed so much that it was bordering on unhealthy LOL. it got to the point where i even imagined their scent and i could actually smell, hear, and feel the feelings in my fantasy. It was crazy... but it was also one of the happiest times of my life. I think fantasizing is my way of escaping. Because in my little make believe world, anything can happen and i can create a life where i can actually be happy.
You have no idea how much i wish i could fly. The desire sometimes is completely overwhelming and i find myself feeling more and moer trapped by the day. What i wouldn't give to suddenly sprout wings myself and like fly away from everything. Wouldn't that be amazing? to leave behind all your worries and just feel the wind on your face as you see the scenery below you flash by like a movie.
Hm, the other thing that i've realized is that the feel of a cool breeze on my face is probably my most favourite feeling in the world. i know this is going to sound so cheesy but it's kinda like all my worries and anger drift away from me. But... truthfully i think the reason i love feeling the wind on my face is because when i close my eyes, i can see it. i can see the thousands of miles of beautiful, untouched nature flowing away beheathe me and just for a moment, i can feel like i'm in my own little world and i'm flying.
LOL this post is probably one of my...weirdest. It's definately different than everything else that i've posted, but this is me. No lies, no fake smiles, no barriers. Just me. Sometimes it scares me when i realize just how many barriers i put up around myself when i'm in public. How many fake smiles i put on and the fake laughs i let out. I've done it so much that i'm starting to convince myself that it's real.
oh well... i think i'll stop this blog now since it's 10:14 and the bell is gonna right in 6 min. crap, colp's here. gotta go.
No comments:
Post a Comment