it really bothers me when people refer to here as 'deadmonton'. i dont know why. it just... really really bothers me. Not bothers me in like 'i get mad' sort of way, but it bothers me to think that everyone would just get up and leave someday if they were old enough.
i think that it bothers me cuz i usually associate it with jackass. even though now i couldn't care less, i do care about other people though. and i don't want those other people to leave. I know it seems like edmonton doesn't have much to offer... but this is home isn't it...? don't be so quick to cast off the place where you grew up and made your first friends.
lately all i've been hearing about is how people just want to leave this place... and it's kinda upsetting to say at the least. it makes me feel kinda alone. am i the only one who doesn't mind it here? will i be the only one left here...?
and like.. it pisses me off when i read some peopl's status that is like : 'If it weren't for you guys, i'd stay here'
like honestly. if you're going to post such a thing, just stay there for all i care. I don't need a person like you saying how crappy this place is compared to other places. It guess it doesn't matter to you that this is the place you grew up, this is the place you created unforgettable memories, and THIS is the place where you can call home.
Sometimes i feel like everyone's not the people i thought they were. And i'll admit that i think about pretty much leaving everything behind more often than naught. and when i say leave everything behind, i don't mean move to another city.
*sigh* the more i think about it, the more i believe that my 'friends' aren't really my real friends. everyone's a faker. and it's getting kinda old.
Actually, i think the main thing is i feel kinda lonely...
Lonely because everyone hates it here, lonely because everyone's probably going to leave here, lonely because the more i think, the more alone i become.
maybe i care too much. wouldn't it be nice to just be heartless? that way nothing could hurt me. Although then again, that would have it's downsides too i guess.
haha... i think the more i fantasize about just disappearing, the more i long for it. lol... wouldn't it be nice to just disappear? so i won't have to worry about nothing, not have to feel upset, not have to feel lonely because there's only a pitch black oblivion.
I wonder if darkness is what you get after you die. If so, i think that'd be very nice... i've come to realize i hate it when i have time on my hands. because there's so much i think about and so much that i come to realize in such a short amount of time that it kinda kills who i am.
Ever have that feeling where you think everyone hates you? or at least doesn't like you? imagine having that feeling permanently etched into the back of your mind. It's very bothersome actually... and like i mentioned in a previous blog, even though it doesn't bother me as much anymore, it feels like the complete opposite. the more i say that i don't care, the less true it becomes, and yet at the same time, the more i start not giving a rats ass.
argh. maybe it's because of this cold? idk, i hate being sick because everytime i'm sick, i always go into this stupid uncontrollable crying mode. where i'll randomly cry at the stupidest things. quite annoying actually.
anywayz...
ugh... i don't feel like continuing this blog since i'm in such a crappy mood. Sorry shevon, i know i promised you a long blog but i think i'll have to write it tmrw or something...
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